friends or friends
Can you ever be true friends with an EX? Is it friends with your EX or being friendly towards your EX?
Xbah! I'm generalizing... and I sound like I'm narrating Sex and the City.
Pardon me while I go kick myself.
*kick*
My last entry made me think of this... I don't know if there's a real answer... but I always believe it is possible. Sigh, sometimes optimism makes life painful.
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Upon closer inspection, these are loafers
I happen to like my shoes, they are quite comfortable.
I don't always like being in my shoes.
I had intended to tell my visiting ex that I was bi. I was waiting for her to return home and I wanted to write her a letter about it, blah blah I blogged this a week ago... Anyway, I did not write the letter. A little incident the night before she left made me rethink it.
I enjoyed her visit, it was fun, but it made me realize why we broke up two years ago. All the reasons were in my face again and while we are friends and such, the reality that I would go mad being her boyfriend sunk in. Like everyone else, I have people I am compatible with in a 'friend' way, but not in a 'lover/boyorgirlfriend/deeplydevotedrelationship' way. We have fun together and I am very attracted to her physically and mentally, but we clash. Clash not good, clash make me stress, clash drive me batty. No clash. *smile*
We were camping that last night, three of us. Her friend and travelling companion was there. After playing cards and chatting a while, we settled down to go to sleep. (They teased me about wearing tighty-whiteys, which was wierd because I had black boxer-briefs on... go figure... but we were going to sleep in a fun and light hearted mood.. or so I thought...) After about ten minutes, my ex made several rather nasty comments in a mean tone of voice. They were about me, two years ago. I looked at her for a sec, said "mmhmm", and promptly rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and couldn't recall what she had said, only that it wasn't nice. As per the plan, we parted ways, they finished their trip and flew back home.
I was miffed about her comments that night and it bothered me. It was right out of the blue, in front of her friend, who I didn't know very well, and just before we were all going to sleep. Wierd wierd wierd.
I had one chore to do. I had camping equipment they borrowed from another friend in the city. Because they were finishing their trip, I was to return it. I called the owner and got his voicemail, so I left a message stating he could call me and let me know when to stop by, and I would drop his equipment off. He didn't call, and three days later I got an email from my ex, "frustrated" that I hadn't dropped of this guys equipment that they had "promised" would be returned immediately. Sigh. Typical.
I had her comments on my mind the days after she left and this "frustrated" thing really pissed me off. So after all was said and done, I'm wasn't really in any sort of a mindset to write anything to her. I wrote a terse two line email saying I dropped of his stuff and that was it. She wrote back and apologized for jumping the gun when she didn't know both sides of the story.
So I just let it slide and I'm glad I did. When I thought about it, even though she's a friend and I wanted to be honest with her, she's the past and wading back there isn't the best thing I could do with my life right now. Instead of sweeping away the cobwebs, I grabbed a DustBuster and vacuumed them up, and emptied the whole pile into a bin labeled "Not worth my time right now."
And that, as they say, is that.
I happen to like my shoes, they are quite comfortable.
I don't always like being in my shoes.
I had intended to tell my visiting ex that I was bi. I was waiting for her to return home and I wanted to write her a letter about it, blah blah I blogged this a week ago... Anyway, I did not write the letter. A little incident the night before she left made me rethink it.
I enjoyed her visit, it was fun, but it made me realize why we broke up two years ago. All the reasons were in my face again and while we are friends and such, the reality that I would go mad being her boyfriend sunk in. Like everyone else, I have people I am compatible with in a 'friend' way, but not in a 'lover/boyorgirlfriend/deeplydevotedrelationship' way. We have fun together and I am very attracted to her physically and mentally, but we clash. Clash not good, clash make me stress, clash drive me batty. No clash. *smile*
We were camping that last night, three of us. Her friend and travelling companion was there. After playing cards and chatting a while, we settled down to go to sleep. (They teased me about wearing tighty-whiteys, which was wierd because I had black boxer-briefs on... go figure... but we were going to sleep in a fun and light hearted mood.. or so I thought...) After about ten minutes, my ex made several rather nasty comments in a mean tone of voice. They were about me, two years ago. I looked at her for a sec, said "mmhmm", and promptly rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and couldn't recall what she had said, only that it wasn't nice. As per the plan, we parted ways, they finished their trip and flew back home.
I was miffed about her comments that night and it bothered me. It was right out of the blue, in front of her friend, who I didn't know very well, and just before we were all going to sleep. Wierd wierd wierd.
I had one chore to do. I had camping equipment they borrowed from another friend in the city. Because they were finishing their trip, I was to return it. I called the owner and got his voicemail, so I left a message stating he could call me and let me know when to stop by, and I would drop his equipment off. He didn't call, and three days later I got an email from my ex, "frustrated" that I hadn't dropped of this guys equipment that they had "promised" would be returned immediately. Sigh. Typical.
I had her comments on my mind the days after she left and this "frustrated" thing really pissed me off. So after all was said and done, I'm wasn't really in any sort of a mindset to write anything to her. I wrote a terse two line email saying I dropped of his stuff and that was it. She wrote back and apologized for jumping the gun when she didn't know both sides of the story.
So I just let it slide and I'm glad I did. When I thought about it, even though she's a friend and I wanted to be honest with her, she's the past and wading back there isn't the best thing I could do with my life right now. Instead of sweeping away the cobwebs, I grabbed a DustBuster and vacuumed them up, and emptied the whole pile into a bin labeled "Not worth my time right now."
And that, as they say, is that.
time keeps on slippin'
In three days I will be home. Yaahoo!! Whatever the outcome, my decision was made and acted on, and now I have some direction. Interesting, if nothing else...
I sit here at work, with two days left once I leave here this evening. Noone has been hired to replace me as of yet, so my only way to really help he/she/it that takes over, is to document the job as clearly as possible. This is not fun. As with any job, there are a million trivialities, stupid little things that you need to know to make things work as they should... the hard part is choosing which ones to put down in writing to best help he/she/it... It's tedious, boring, and fruitless labour, because no matter how well I document the position, there are things he/she/it has to figure out on their own. It's a catch 22 in some ways..
But I digress... My time here is at an end and I am happy. The co-workers have been the joy of this workplace and I will miss them. The stereotypes and the prejudices I can live without... but we have managed to co-exist and become friends in this little office, so upon leaving, I will miss them.
I return home to 1) work full-time and 2) finish my BA at university.
The dichotomy I face on returning home: the university is very open-minded and tolerant, whereas the workforce is not. I go back to school, knowing that being queer on campus is generally accepted and the people there are mostly younger than me, and many have healthy attitudes towards sexual diversity. The workforce is mostly older than me and is not very accepting of sexual deviants. So, while I have no intention of going wild and wearing a huge banner that reads "I'm BI! I like girls and guys!", I am not sure where I will draw the line in my activities and actions, on campus, at the workplace, and in the community in general.
As always, "I tell who I want, when I want!", about my sexuality, and that will never change. But I'm not sure how to achieve balance between these three things. I want to get involved in the queer society on campus. I want to get involved in the local les/gay community group. I want to wear my pride ring and earrings when I feel like it, where I feel like it. On the flipside, I'm not ready to tell my family, and I know that the general population, especially those older than I, are very intolerant of queers.
So my mind is in a bit of a fog as I ponder what my next steps will be. For fun I applied to a job *at* the university. It would be exciting to work there while I go back to school. I am underqualified and I don't even expect to get a callback, but it made me smile to think about it. Working in a place of higher learning, has always been a treat for me... and the concept is exciting. Unfortunately, the reason I'm going to school there is so that jobs like the one I applied for will be no longer out of my reach. Yet another catch 22... for now. Finish degree, be qualified, terrorize the unsuspecting fools that look for employees, with a piece of paper that makes me eligible to those fussy HR departments. Heehee.
ramble ramble ramble
So I prepare to leave, prepare to start again in my home community, and prepare to adjust to small town life again. As in the past, I hold a shield made of all my strongest qualities to help succeed... but I wonder if anyone will notice that this time there's a little rainbow painted on it.
In three days I will be home. Yaahoo!! Whatever the outcome, my decision was made and acted on, and now I have some direction. Interesting, if nothing else...
I sit here at work, with two days left once I leave here this evening. Noone has been hired to replace me as of yet, so my only way to really help he/she/it that takes over, is to document the job as clearly as possible. This is not fun. As with any job, there are a million trivialities, stupid little things that you need to know to make things work as they should... the hard part is choosing which ones to put down in writing to best help he/she/it... It's tedious, boring, and fruitless labour, because no matter how well I document the position, there are things he/she/it has to figure out on their own. It's a catch 22 in some ways..
But I digress... My time here is at an end and I am happy. The co-workers have been the joy of this workplace and I will miss them. The stereotypes and the prejudices I can live without... but we have managed to co-exist and become friends in this little office, so upon leaving, I will miss them.
I return home to 1) work full-time and 2) finish my BA at university.
The dichotomy I face on returning home: the university is very open-minded and tolerant, whereas the workforce is not. I go back to school, knowing that being queer on campus is generally accepted and the people there are mostly younger than me, and many have healthy attitudes towards sexual diversity. The workforce is mostly older than me and is not very accepting of sexual deviants. So, while I have no intention of going wild and wearing a huge banner that reads "I'm BI! I like girls and guys!", I am not sure where I will draw the line in my activities and actions, on campus, at the workplace, and in the community in general.
As always, "I tell who I want, when I want!", about my sexuality, and that will never change. But I'm not sure how to achieve balance between these three things. I want to get involved in the queer society on campus. I want to get involved in the local les/gay community group. I want to wear my pride ring and earrings when I feel like it, where I feel like it. On the flipside, I'm not ready to tell my family, and I know that the general population, especially those older than I, are very intolerant of queers.
So my mind is in a bit of a fog as I ponder what my next steps will be. For fun I applied to a job *at* the university. It would be exciting to work there while I go back to school. I am underqualified and I don't even expect to get a callback, but it made me smile to think about it. Working in a place of higher learning, has always been a treat for me... and the concept is exciting. Unfortunately, the reason I'm going to school there is so that jobs like the one I applied for will be no longer out of my reach. Yet another catch 22... for now. Finish degree, be qualified, terrorize the unsuspecting fools that look for employees, with a piece of paper that makes me eligible to those fussy HR departments. Heehee.
ramble ramble ramble
So I prepare to leave, prepare to start again in my home community, and prepare to adjust to small town life again. As in the past, I hold a shield made of all my strongest qualities to help succeed... but I wonder if anyone will notice that this time there's a little rainbow painted on it.
Friday, August 23, 2002
I was raised Catholic, and even though I'm wacked out and have many beliefs about reality and existence, in my own fucked up way I still believe in the faith and go to church a lot.
That said, I found this CNN story hilarious and I'm sad the poor fellas have been suspended. C'mon NY, let em have some fun! *wink*
* Radio humour on any level, outrageous and coarse, or not, gets a full thumbs up from me... and I'm all for the "If you don't like what you hear, change the channel!" policy promoted by many wacky free-speech enthusiasts.
That said, I found this CNN story hilarious and I'm sad the poor fellas have been suspended. C'mon NY, let em have some fun! *wink*
* Radio humour on any level, outrageous and coarse, or not, gets a full thumbs up from me... and I'm all for the "If you don't like what you hear, change the channel!" policy promoted by many wacky free-speech enthusiasts.
Sometimes playing online games is great entertainment. Other times, the reality that it's real people behind each of the characters you interact with gets a bit ... scary?
I like my online gaming friends, but sometimes I worry about a few of them... that's not so fun, because aside from email or e-chat, there's not a damn thing I can do for them.
Bummer. I am not a person that likes being unable to act. It's not fun.
I like my online gaming friends, but sometimes I worry about a few of them... that's not so fun, because aside from email or e-chat, there's not a damn thing I can do for them.
Bummer. I am not a person that likes being unable to act. It's not fun.
'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry'
A good friend of mine emailed me about an experience with one of her roommates.
I know him myself and I shudder at the thought... large floppy beachball comes to mind... oy...
I vow that for the rest of my life, she will hear as often as I can possibly bring it up tastefully, 'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry'.
Life is good! *smile*
A good friend of mine emailed me about an experience with one of her roommates.
It was horrible... and soooo awkward... ugh...
He came in from work, I was making stirfry. He jumped in the shower and I was in the kitchen. About 10 mins later I walked up the hallway to see if he wanted some (food!!!!) and the first bathroom door is open, so is the divider to the second bathroom and there he was, naked, and all I could say was 'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry' It's all better now, it was awkward that night ... I've successfully managed to burn the picture from my mind....4ever??
I know him myself and I shudder at the thought... large floppy beachball comes to mind... oy...
I vow that for the rest of my life, she will hear as often as I can possibly bring it up tastefully, 'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry'.
Life is good! *smile*
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
webs of passion
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
- Sir Walter Scott
I've considered myself bi since I was in my mid teens. I recall my first year in junior high school, grade seven, having little interest in girlfriends or girls in general, except as friends. Of course later that year that all changed. Along with a hormonal rush and the general confusion of the onset of puberty, came the desire for sex and a strong attraction to girls.. and to guys.
Junior high school was a time of confusion for me, just as it is for most people. Along with the regular inner and outer struggles that most north american teens face, I had to examine and define my sexuality. It was confusing and a bit tedious dealing with the whole situation of being physically and emotionally attracted to both guys and girls. Over the course of three or four years, dating girls and guys, experimenting sexually with 'same-sex' partners and 'the-opposite-sex' partners, looking at the life of hetros and homos, listening to my heart and listening to myself, I came to understand my sexual identity.
I grew up in a small, coal-mining town, where 'being openly gay' was not something that really happened. Honestly, to this day, I can not imagine myself walking through that town and letting everyone know I'm queer. I certainly didn't while I was in highschool. When I first realized that I was attracted to guys, it was a bit scary. One big part of my struggle was trying to figure out if I was homosexual? Bisexuality is not something that was discussed in my junior high health classes. Homosexuality was discussed, for however brief a moment, so at least I had somewhere to start. I struggled with the question of homosexuality. I recall the struggle of finding a way to define myself, and it can be summed up with the simple question, just what in all hells am I?
Am I just gay? I'm attracted to guys, I think? I'm attracted to girls, I think? Yeah I'm attracted to both, but what the fuck? No. Maybe I'm gay and just think I like girls, maybe to fit the norm, be 'normal' in this town? I must be gay, maybe? No. I like girls, I like looking at them, being with them, I'm attracted to them. Maybe I'm straight and just think I like guys? Yeah, I don't like guys in that way. No wait, yes I do. What the *#$@??!?
My thought patterns for a while were just that. At one point, for almost a year, I had decided I was gay and was trying to figure out how to deal with it. After all was said and done, I figured out I liked penis and I liked vagina. More to the point, I found that gender wasn't really what I was attracted to. Sure, I liked looking at nudey pics of guys and girls, I appreciated sexy male and female films stars, walking across the screen flaunting their perfectly toned bodies, I loved walking the beaches seeing the guys and girls half naked frolicking in the summer heat... guys and girls were both attractive, alluring, and for lack of a better term, got me hard. But I found myself really attracted to eyes and to the soul, no matter what the gender was. I came to realize my bisexuality and came to understand my sexual identity.
People often ask if I prefer guys or girls. I answer honestly, that I have no preference. I'm happy with a person I am attracted to, regardless what package they come in. I'd be lying to say I don't find myself physically attracted to certain people and that is often a basis for the decision to get to know them or not, in a 'hope-of-a-possible-spark-to-make-a-relationship' sort of way. I think my wild outlook on life and the universe comes into play. Bisexuality fits my views on existence. I believe in balance above all things. A universe encompassing all, tempered by balance. In the same way, my sexuality includes all. The balance of my sexual life being unlimited by gender, but limited by my choices. I find myself really attracted to very few people. Physical attraction is easy, as most people know. I find lots of people physically attractive. To fewer people on an higher level that would include those I would like to be physical with. But beyond that there aren't many that I am attracted to on a level that brings physical, mental, and emotional attraction together. I guess it makes me appreciate those I am attracted to on all these levels just a little bit more.
Damn, that sounds so confusing. More simply, I see lots of people and say "Yum! Now that's a hottie!", I see some that get "Damn! You're downright gorgeous and I'd drop to my knees and bow down before you!" but I find few that get "You! You I will consider giving the rest of my life to, so that we could be together and one." Hopeless romantic? Definitely. Finding someone that fits that last statement? Priceless. Talking in circles? Typical me. *smile*
I hate the term closeted, but it is the generally accepted term in our current society. I do not consider myself closeted, and I never have. Even as a young man I had a strong sense of self, I was independent moreso than other people my age, and I was comfortable making my own decisions. As a teen I never made it public that I was bi. The only people that knew were the guys I dated or fooled around with. Highschool in my hometown was not a place I wanted to 'out' myself, and I had no desire to. I have never defined my life by my sexuality. Being bisexual has always been a part of who I am, but only a part. My decision to never make a 'public outing' had many reasons; where I lived and grew up; how my family would react; how my friends would react; etc, etc... but the main reason was that I am a very private person. I share things with people on an extremely limited basis, so 'outing' myself has never been important to me, has never been something I've worried about or struggled with. I tell people when I want to and if I want to, the rest of the world be damned! I have never considered myself closeted or such, because I am who I am, I have self-confidence and I share what I will, with whoever I please. I have told a few of the younger members of my family, though my parents and brother remain in the dark. The time will come, I'm in no hurry to tell them. In a recent discussion, I was confronted about this, not telling my family; I simply said that I am happy with who I am, they are happy with who I am, and when the time is right I may or may not tell them. If I was to fall head over heels for a guy and we planned on being together, I would have no trouble telling them, I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man. Time will tell, and so will I. I know that it may shock them a bit, but probably not too much, I'm not exactly a macho man! *grin* But I have no fear of not being accepted for who I am. I always have been accepted, and always will be. I know a few relatives will balk at the 'queer boi, but most of our family is accepting of the differences in us all. I lucked out, I got the good ones in life, and I feel sad to think of all those that make known their sexuality to friends and family and get shot down and isolated from those they love... over something as trivial as the gender one is attracted to.
What brought on this discourse? I just had a visit from 'ex girlfriend A'. I never told her I was bi. It bothers me. At the time of our relationship I was telling friends and letting people know I was bi; until that point, they hadn't known, though some guessed. [I had been in a relationship for five years before the one with 'ex girlfriend A', and I hadn't told that girl either. It bothered me then too. I have told her since, she wasn't very shocked. But I have never told ex girlfriend A.]
When I left highschool and went to university, I found a new world of acceptance and freedom. Unfortunately, I started seeing a girl in my first year there and because of silly circumstances, I never told her I was bi. Five years later, I still hadn't. As well, I hadn't told my friends or coworkers or costudents etc... because I felt that since I hadn't told the girl I was dating, I should keep my mouth shut. Honesty is the best policy but I was happy (sortof) with this girl and didn't want to mess things up. So it was years later that I finally found myself out of that relationship and able to let my friends know the real truth about me. Not that they were shocked, actually, I don't think anyone I've ever told has been shocked. Perhaps I'm more of a girly-boi than I think. *grin*
All in all, I reasoned long ago that any relationship I enter will be with the other party knowing full well that I'm bi. If he or she is comfortable with that, great! If not, well, nice to meet ya, cya round! I am who I am, I'm happy being who I am, I want anyone that is going to be with me to know who I am, otherwise, the relationship isn't worth squat to me.
But I have yet to tell ex girlfriend A. But I've resolved to do so. And it feels good. I would have long ago, except she related a story to me not long after we started seeing one another. An ex boyfriend of hers had 'gone gay' after they broke up. It had messed her up a bit and at that time, I didn't want to drop my bisexuality on her.
She had a great visit here and we enjoyed a few days together. So, I wanted to wait until her vacation was over and done, as I don't really know how she will react, and it would be rotten to bother her on her trip. In the next week or so I'll write her and tell her about me. All of me. *smile*
It's time to clear away that tangled cobweb.
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
- Sir Walter Scott
I've considered myself bi since I was in my mid teens. I recall my first year in junior high school, grade seven, having little interest in girlfriends or girls in general, except as friends. Of course later that year that all changed. Along with a hormonal rush and the general confusion of the onset of puberty, came the desire for sex and a strong attraction to girls.. and to guys.
Junior high school was a time of confusion for me, just as it is for most people. Along with the regular inner and outer struggles that most north american teens face, I had to examine and define my sexuality. It was confusing and a bit tedious dealing with the whole situation of being physically and emotionally attracted to both guys and girls. Over the course of three or four years, dating girls and guys, experimenting sexually with 'same-sex' partners and 'the-opposite-sex' partners, looking at the life of hetros and homos, listening to my heart and listening to myself, I came to understand my sexual identity.
I grew up in a small, coal-mining town, where 'being openly gay' was not something that really happened. Honestly, to this day, I can not imagine myself walking through that town and letting everyone know I'm queer. I certainly didn't while I was in highschool. When I first realized that I was attracted to guys, it was a bit scary. One big part of my struggle was trying to figure out if I was homosexual? Bisexuality is not something that was discussed in my junior high health classes. Homosexuality was discussed, for however brief a moment, so at least I had somewhere to start. I struggled with the question of homosexuality. I recall the struggle of finding a way to define myself, and it can be summed up with the simple question, just what in all hells am I?
Am I just gay? I'm attracted to guys, I think? I'm attracted to girls, I think? Yeah I'm attracted to both, but what the fuck? No. Maybe I'm gay and just think I like girls, maybe to fit the norm, be 'normal' in this town? I must be gay, maybe? No. I like girls, I like looking at them, being with them, I'm attracted to them. Maybe I'm straight and just think I like guys? Yeah, I don't like guys in that way. No wait, yes I do. What the *#$@??!?
My thought patterns for a while were just that. At one point, for almost a year, I had decided I was gay and was trying to figure out how to deal with it. After all was said and done, I figured out I liked penis and I liked vagina. More to the point, I found that gender wasn't really what I was attracted to. Sure, I liked looking at nudey pics of guys and girls, I appreciated sexy male and female films stars, walking across the screen flaunting their perfectly toned bodies, I loved walking the beaches seeing the guys and girls half naked frolicking in the summer heat... guys and girls were both attractive, alluring, and for lack of a better term, got me hard. But I found myself really attracted to eyes and to the soul, no matter what the gender was. I came to realize my bisexuality and came to understand my sexual identity.
People often ask if I prefer guys or girls. I answer honestly, that I have no preference. I'm happy with a person I am attracted to, regardless what package they come in. I'd be lying to say I don't find myself physically attracted to certain people and that is often a basis for the decision to get to know them or not, in a 'hope-of-a-possible-spark-to-make-a-relationship' sort of way. I think my wild outlook on life and the universe comes into play. Bisexuality fits my views on existence. I believe in balance above all things. A universe encompassing all, tempered by balance. In the same way, my sexuality includes all. The balance of my sexual life being unlimited by gender, but limited by my choices. I find myself really attracted to very few people. Physical attraction is easy, as most people know. I find lots of people physically attractive. To fewer people on an higher level that would include those I would like to be physical with. But beyond that there aren't many that I am attracted to on a level that brings physical, mental, and emotional attraction together. I guess it makes me appreciate those I am attracted to on all these levels just a little bit more.
Damn, that sounds so confusing. More simply, I see lots of people and say "Yum! Now that's a hottie!", I see some that get "Damn! You're downright gorgeous and I'd drop to my knees and bow down before you!" but I find few that get "You! You I will consider giving the rest of my life to, so that we could be together and one." Hopeless romantic? Definitely. Finding someone that fits that last statement? Priceless. Talking in circles? Typical me. *smile*
I hate the term closeted, but it is the generally accepted term in our current society. I do not consider myself closeted, and I never have. Even as a young man I had a strong sense of self, I was independent moreso than other people my age, and I was comfortable making my own decisions. As a teen I never made it public that I was bi. The only people that knew were the guys I dated or fooled around with. Highschool in my hometown was not a place I wanted to 'out' myself, and I had no desire to. I have never defined my life by my sexuality. Being bisexual has always been a part of who I am, but only a part. My decision to never make a 'public outing' had many reasons; where I lived and grew up; how my family would react; how my friends would react; etc, etc... but the main reason was that I am a very private person. I share things with people on an extremely limited basis, so 'outing' myself has never been important to me, has never been something I've worried about or struggled with. I tell people when I want to and if I want to, the rest of the world be damned! I have never considered myself closeted or such, because I am who I am, I have self-confidence and I share what I will, with whoever I please. I have told a few of the younger members of my family, though my parents and brother remain in the dark. The time will come, I'm in no hurry to tell them. In a recent discussion, I was confronted about this, not telling my family; I simply said that I am happy with who I am, they are happy with who I am, and when the time is right I may or may not tell them. If I was to fall head over heels for a guy and we planned on being together, I would have no trouble telling them, I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man. Time will tell, and so will I. I know that it may shock them a bit, but probably not too much, I'm not exactly a macho man! *grin* But I have no fear of not being accepted for who I am. I always have been accepted, and always will be. I know a few relatives will balk at the 'queer boi, but most of our family is accepting of the differences in us all. I lucked out, I got the good ones in life, and I feel sad to think of all those that make known their sexuality to friends and family and get shot down and isolated from those they love... over something as trivial as the gender one is attracted to.
What brought on this discourse? I just had a visit from 'ex girlfriend A'. I never told her I was bi. It bothers me. At the time of our relationship I was telling friends and letting people know I was bi; until that point, they hadn't known, though some guessed. [I had been in a relationship for five years before the one with 'ex girlfriend A', and I hadn't told that girl either. It bothered me then too. I have told her since, she wasn't very shocked. But I have never told ex girlfriend A.]
When I left highschool and went to university, I found a new world of acceptance and freedom. Unfortunately, I started seeing a girl in my first year there and because of silly circumstances, I never told her I was bi. Five years later, I still hadn't. As well, I hadn't told my friends or coworkers or costudents etc... because I felt that since I hadn't told the girl I was dating, I should keep my mouth shut. Honesty is the best policy but I was happy (sortof) with this girl and didn't want to mess things up. So it was years later that I finally found myself out of that relationship and able to let my friends know the real truth about me. Not that they were shocked, actually, I don't think anyone I've ever told has been shocked. Perhaps I'm more of a girly-boi than I think. *grin*
All in all, I reasoned long ago that any relationship I enter will be with the other party knowing full well that I'm bi. If he or she is comfortable with that, great! If not, well, nice to meet ya, cya round! I am who I am, I'm happy being who I am, I want anyone that is going to be with me to know who I am, otherwise, the relationship isn't worth squat to me.
But I have yet to tell ex girlfriend A. But I've resolved to do so. And it feels good. I would have long ago, except she related a story to me not long after we started seeing one another. An ex boyfriend of hers had 'gone gay' after they broke up. It had messed her up a bit and at that time, I didn't want to drop my bisexuality on her.
She had a great visit here and we enjoyed a few days together. So, I wanted to wait until her vacation was over and done, as I don't really know how she will react, and it would be rotten to bother her on her trip. In the next week or so I'll write her and tell her about me. All of me. *smile*
It's time to clear away that tangled cobweb.
resolution
It is done.
Crunch time came and went, and I am happy with my decision. I am going to finish my degree. I'll move home to live with the folks for a while, and work days, so I can take classes in the evenings. One course per term, I don't want to get swamped with employment work and college work. And easier for me to pay up front for each course. No more fucking student loans. Woohoo!
So yet again, I pick up my life and move to go somewhere else and do something else. But for the first time in the past five years, the final destination is home. It feels really good. I gave my two weeks at work and now I have to start looking for new employment at home. Luckily the internet is the mecca of job seekers now, so I can do 90% of my job search online. I suppose that *some* will have to be pounding the pavement, but it's the 21st century now. eApply sounds so much better! 8-)
September 6th will be my last day working here. Whee! I pack up and leave anytime after that. Actually I may pack up and leave before that. Rather than pay more rent I think I'll see if I can crash at my uncle's place for a week. He has been more than welcoming all along, and it's a nice place to be at this time of year. Good friends, good food, good pool in the backyard to beat of the late summer heat...
So after 5 years I return to my post-secondary stomping grounds... An odd feeling I get thinking about that, as I didn't leave as a happy camper, and I didn't leave on the best of terms with a few people... I guess it will be interesting, if nothing else. In the bigger picture, I enjoyed most of my time there and since I will be returning only as a part-time student, I won't be there often anyway.
I'm excited! I don't know what will happen in the coming months, but I'm looking forward to whatever it will be. 8-)
It is done.
Crunch time came and went, and I am happy with my decision. I am going to finish my degree. I'll move home to live with the folks for a while, and work days, so I can take classes in the evenings. One course per term, I don't want to get swamped with employment work and college work. And easier for me to pay up front for each course. No more fucking student loans. Woohoo!
So yet again, I pick up my life and move to go somewhere else and do something else. But for the first time in the past five years, the final destination is home. It feels really good. I gave my two weeks at work and now I have to start looking for new employment at home. Luckily the internet is the mecca of job seekers now, so I can do 90% of my job search online. I suppose that *some* will have to be pounding the pavement, but it's the 21st century now. eApply sounds so much better! 8-)
September 6th will be my last day working here. Whee! I pack up and leave anytime after that. Actually I may pack up and leave before that. Rather than pay more rent I think I'll see if I can crash at my uncle's place for a week. He has been more than welcoming all along, and it's a nice place to be at this time of year. Good friends, good food, good pool in the backyard to beat of the late summer heat...
So after 5 years I return to my post-secondary stomping grounds... An odd feeling I get thinking about that, as I didn't leave as a happy camper, and I didn't leave on the best of terms with a few people... I guess it will be interesting, if nothing else. In the bigger picture, I enjoyed most of my time there and since I will be returning only as a part-time student, I won't be there often anyway.
I'm excited! I don't know what will happen in the coming months, but I'm looking forward to whatever it will be. 8-)
Monday, August 12, 2002
falling to an enchantress
I fall for her, she is a kindred spirit, so different but the same
A one sided illusionary enchantment unnoticed
I fall for her, an imaginary but such a real part of life
A part of my life and a part of my other life
I fall for her, in a reality that is as false as a lie
A reality so alive to me, that it hurts to not live it
I fall for her, and I don't know why, it's just an illusion?
An illusion made real, a reality based on reality
I fall for her, I know her in a strange way that is real
A way of life seen from afar, the tears, the sorrow
I fall for her, maybe again and again, imagination is key
A word and nothing more, a facade, a farce, a fallacy
I fall for her, spirit of the woods, faery of my eyes
A girl just like any other, troubled and sad
I fall for her, a smile a curse, a soul I want to console
Another attempt by my soul to clutch the unattainable
The moon cries and it breaks my heart to hear
All my love dear one, though you will never know
I fall for her, she is a kindred spirit, so different but the same
A one sided illusionary enchantment unnoticed
I fall for her, an imaginary but such a real part of life
A part of my life and a part of my other life
I fall for her, in a reality that is as false as a lie
A reality so alive to me, that it hurts to not live it
I fall for her, and I don't know why, it's just an illusion?
An illusion made real, a reality based on reality
I fall for her, I know her in a strange way that is real
A way of life seen from afar, the tears, the sorrow
I fall for her, maybe again and again, imagination is key
A word and nothing more, a facade, a farce, a fallacy
I fall for her, spirit of the woods, faery of my eyes
A girl just like any other, troubled and sad
I fall for her, a smile a curse, a soul I want to console
Another attempt by my soul to clutch the unattainable
The moon cries and it breaks my heart to hear
All my love dear one, though you will never know
Friday, August 09, 2002
crunch time
it is decision time - I have to make choices:
where to live, here or home?
where to live, new apartment, stay where I am, go to parents?
where to work, stay here, find new job, find new job at home?
and many others that all depend on these basic three...
and I have to decide by next week, all of it! the end of the month is coming and I need a place to live...
bitch and moan!
Life's been rather dull and routine lately. The only highlight being that I spent a fun long weekend at home visiting the aunt and uncle while my parents vacationed on the west coast. Relaxing and wonderful weather. That's all I can ask for. I drank a quart of Baileys and read a good book. A mental massage that was much needed.
The past few weeks has been a revolving pattern of eat, sleep, work, play Clan Lord, repeat. A little bit of avoidance and procrastination on my part about the decisions to be made... whatever, it's all fun! 8-)
I've been fixated lately on the classical guitar. While I have been uninspired to pick up the one sitting in my room at home, I want to try this out. I want to go get an old second-hand classical guitar and try the classical method. It may be the pianist in me, but I find the finger picking enchanting. And the style appeals to my musical senses. I seems right for me, whereas the strumming method on my current acoustic has always seemed... well, not right. I suppose you can finger pick on anything you pick up (no pun intended), but the and style is so different. Maybe I will get one... eBay has many! yay! But dishing out the money for even a cheapo one would be stupid right now. Sigh, I'll probably end up with one anyway, eating macaroni and cheese on paper plates...
Ex number two comes in one week. She's staying with me. Will be interesting... she's a wild one. We'll do a tour of my hometown etc... and I'll get a vacation out of it. I'm excited, a break in the monotony.
And today I am craving chicken. Not nice chicken, but cheap deep fried grocery store chicken. How bad is that!?!
Bawk!
Clan Lord
it is decision time - I have to make choices:
where to live, here or home?
where to live, new apartment, stay where I am, go to parents?
where to work, stay here, find new job, find new job at home?
and many others that all depend on these basic three...
and I have to decide by next week, all of it! the end of the month is coming and I need a place to live...
bitch and moan!
Life's been rather dull and routine lately. The only highlight being that I spent a fun long weekend at home visiting the aunt and uncle while my parents vacationed on the west coast. Relaxing and wonderful weather. That's all I can ask for. I drank a quart of Baileys and read a good book. A mental massage that was much needed.
The past few weeks has been a revolving pattern of eat, sleep, work, play Clan Lord, repeat. A little bit of avoidance and procrastination on my part about the decisions to be made... whatever, it's all fun! 8-)
I've been fixated lately on the classical guitar. While I have been uninspired to pick up the one sitting in my room at home, I want to try this out. I want to go get an old second-hand classical guitar and try the classical method. It may be the pianist in me, but I find the finger picking enchanting. And the style appeals to my musical senses. I seems right for me, whereas the strumming method on my current acoustic has always seemed... well, not right. I suppose you can finger pick on anything you pick up (no pun intended), but the and style is so different. Maybe I will get one... eBay has many! yay! But dishing out the money for even a cheapo one would be stupid right now. Sigh, I'll probably end up with one anyway, eating macaroni and cheese on paper plates...
Ex number two comes in one week. She's staying with me. Will be interesting... she's a wild one. We'll do a tour of my hometown etc... and I'll get a vacation out of it. I'm excited, a break in the monotony.
And today I am craving chicken. Not nice chicken, but cheap deep fried grocery store chicken. How bad is that!?!
Bawk!
Clan Lord
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
oh, those glasses
If I was to become a woman, I would be Daria.
If her inner bitch and my inner bitch met, they'd either kill each other or bond for life.
I am a cartoon freak, I love, love, love cartoons. Animated television is so fantastic! But as much as I enjoy the myriad of shows out there, Daria is my favorite. It's the only animated show that consistently makes me think to myself, "Yeah, that could be me."
I have no ambitions toward becoming a woman or a cartoon character. But damn, I enjoy that show.
Ahem... hmm... I gotta say that if Jane and Trent were somehow to be converted into real life people, I'd be the happiest person alive. The physical characteristics and style drawn into their characters are what I like in my real life guys and girls. I like my girls a little boyish, and my boys a little girlish. And Jane's persona is just what I like in datable materials. If I could meet a couple that looked and acted a bit like Jane and Trent (minus the brother/sister thing, I'm not down with that type of thing...) I'd bow down before them and offer to be their cabana boi for life.
Outpost Daria is a great place for aspiring Daria fanatics.
On a side note, I heard through the grapevine that the boi with the gorgeous eyes didn't call because the day after I met him, he had an encounter with a guy he's been pining over* for quite some time and they got together. Xbah! Well, I can't begrudge him that one, I hope it works out well for him. But at least I now know, which always better than just wondering "why?"
Perhaps we'll meet again. But I'm no longer thinking about it.
*sigh* Those eyes... *smile*
(*direct quote from the source! my friends are so gay... *grin*)
If I was to become a woman, I would be Daria.
If her inner bitch and my inner bitch met, they'd either kill each other or bond for life.
I am a cartoon freak, I love, love, love cartoons. Animated television is so fantastic! But as much as I enjoy the myriad of shows out there, Daria is my favorite. It's the only animated show that consistently makes me think to myself, "Yeah, that could be me."
I have no ambitions toward becoming a woman or a cartoon character. But damn, I enjoy that show.
Ahem... hmm... I gotta say that if Jane and Trent were somehow to be converted into real life people, I'd be the happiest person alive. The physical characteristics and style drawn into their characters are what I like in my real life guys and girls. I like my girls a little boyish, and my boys a little girlish. And Jane's persona is just what I like in datable materials. If I could meet a couple that looked and acted a bit like Jane and Trent (minus the brother/sister thing, I'm not down with that type of thing...) I'd bow down before them and offer to be their cabana boi for life.
Outpost Daria is a great place for aspiring Daria fanatics.
On a side note, I heard through the grapevine that the boi with the gorgeous eyes didn't call because the day after I met him, he had an encounter with a guy he's been pining over* for quite some time and they got together. Xbah! Well, I can't begrudge him that one, I hope it works out well for him. But at least I now know, which always better than just wondering "why?"
Perhaps we'll meet again. But I'm no longer thinking about it.
*sigh* Those eyes... *smile*
(*direct quote from the source! my friends are so gay... *grin*)
Thursday, July 25, 2002
my own superhighway
I decided being stuck in the rotary was no good and took an off ramp onto my own personal superhighway. I feel good. Sorta. Maybe.
I applied to a company in my hometown for employment. Move home. I made a decision, to make the attempt. I think I regret it already, but now I know that I can try. I'm so fed up with being rudderless that I have to do something, and I think that if they would hire me, then I would at least have a place to start. The antithesis of it all is that the job I applied for is another step down the ladder, I'm overqualified and I'd take another pay cut. But it would be home, where my heart is, so I can live with that. This step is a bandaid; if I am staying here, if they choose not to hire me, then I have to look for a new apartment, look for a new job, look for a new lover, look for a life here in this city, something I have been avoiding for the past few months. I have been unable to figure out what I want, so starting to build a life here has been impossible. I know that it sounds silly, but I decided to try going home because of a nice guy that never called. Not really him, it's just the whole thing affected me to much, so I know that I'm not stable, I know I'm too shaky, it's not something I'm used to feeling, and the combination of insecurity and lostness has forced me to make a move, whatever that is going to be. Money problems are looming, I'm paying out more than I take in, even if I budget myself well, and my years of college spending and carefree credit card carousing are coming back to bite me in the ass. The plan. I want the plan to work, five years and get rid of this debt. But can I live, not living, for five years. Not a chance. Plan or no plan, money or no money, pretending to live won't work. I do things, whether it costs me an arm and a leg financially, I just do things. Money sucks. Being financially irresponsible sucks worse. So here I sit, at work, where I don't really want to be, looking for work, where I think I want to be, but not sure, trying to think about where I should live, and if I do stay here how I can afford it, working at a new job that I can't find as of yet, trying to live. Hmm. Xbah!
Our lotto pool won 2,200 dollars last week. We each got $240 and change. It was sweet. It went so fast I hardly knew I had it. And I planned on paying bills with it to catch me up with anything overdue... instead I bought shirts. And a tanning package upgrade. And other junk. And I would have bought and $80 jacket and $40 bathrobe too, but my common sense kicked in finally. The little shopping trip was fun, I needed that, but damn, does that make any sense? I think I may just be a bit depressed. Odd for me, but the mood is definitely not on the upper side of things lately. Luckily it's been balanced by some good times with friends and family. But where do we go from here?
I decided being stuck in the rotary was no good and took an off ramp onto my own personal superhighway. I feel good. Sorta. Maybe.
I applied to a company in my hometown for employment. Move home. I made a decision, to make the attempt. I think I regret it already, but now I know that I can try. I'm so fed up with being rudderless that I have to do something, and I think that if they would hire me, then I would at least have a place to start. The antithesis of it all is that the job I applied for is another step down the ladder, I'm overqualified and I'd take another pay cut. But it would be home, where my heart is, so I can live with that. This step is a bandaid; if I am staying here, if they choose not to hire me, then I have to look for a new apartment, look for a new job, look for a new lover, look for a life here in this city, something I have been avoiding for the past few months. I have been unable to figure out what I want, so starting to build a life here has been impossible. I know that it sounds silly, but I decided to try going home because of a nice guy that never called. Not really him, it's just the whole thing affected me to much, so I know that I'm not stable, I know I'm too shaky, it's not something I'm used to feeling, and the combination of insecurity and lostness has forced me to make a move, whatever that is going to be. Money problems are looming, I'm paying out more than I take in, even if I budget myself well, and my years of college spending and carefree credit card carousing are coming back to bite me in the ass. The plan. I want the plan to work, five years and get rid of this debt. But can I live, not living, for five years. Not a chance. Plan or no plan, money or no money, pretending to live won't work. I do things, whether it costs me an arm and a leg financially, I just do things. Money sucks. Being financially irresponsible sucks worse. So here I sit, at work, where I don't really want to be, looking for work, where I think I want to be, but not sure, trying to think about where I should live, and if I do stay here how I can afford it, working at a new job that I can't find as of yet, trying to live. Hmm. Xbah!
Our lotto pool won 2,200 dollars last week. We each got $240 and change. It was sweet. It went so fast I hardly knew I had it. And I planned on paying bills with it to catch me up with anything overdue... instead I bought shirts. And a tanning package upgrade. And other junk. And I would have bought and $80 jacket and $40 bathrobe too, but my common sense kicked in finally. The little shopping trip was fun, I needed that, but damn, does that make any sense? I think I may just be a bit depressed. Odd for me, but the mood is definitely not on the upper side of things lately. Luckily it's been balanced by some good times with friends and family. But where do we go from here?
Monday, July 22, 2002
blurry visions in drag
No, I wasn't in drag... the lady at karaoke was. *smile* Last week was nuts and today I'm under the weather. An ex is visiting the city, but I have yet to see her. Another is coming to stay with me in August for a few days while she does the touristy thing with her friend. Interesting developments. I was home visiting the folks all weekend. And yesterday I had such bad sinus problems, that today I'm a wreck. And the problems are starting up again. Oh, allergy season is SO much fun.
Last week, Buddha came for a visit. So I was out every night. I'm still tired. It was Pride Week here too, so while I didn't get very involved (best friend visiting gets priority) we went with friends to karaoke at another gay bar. It was fantastic, we had great fun. I got up and did Bootylicious with my friend Matt. We sucked shit, but it was memorable. And everyone got up to dance for our song, they'd been seated all night. Heehee, we rocked the joint. Buddha and Richard tried to duet a Jewel song, they got up on stage and when the music started they argued about who was going to sing first. This went on for 30 seconds (an eternity in karaoke time) and they were only saved when Buddha's little sister jumped up, grabbed a mic and took over. She was loaded and was most definitely the life of the party. Ahh, memories... Did I mention I hate karaoke? I really do, but a few drinks and I get into it and go a little wild.
The real reason the night was great for me, I met a really nice guy with abfab eyes. Deep brown with a really obvious sparkle, I was instantly entranced. And sexy all round too... What a hottie! Point, I sat down with my friends and he was sitting on the next couch, so we started chatting and I enjoyed his company all evening. When it came time to leave, he asked for my number and I happily obliged. I wanted to go dancing with him *so* badly but the girls were ready to go.
That was a great night. Unfortunately, nearly a week later, I have squat to show for it. *sigh* No call. No email. I gave him both, though he only wrote the number down. (But he programmed it into his phone, so hopefully it wasn't lost) How disappointing, I really wanted to get to know him better. I really wanted to see if he was datable. I really wanted to stare into his eyes while we made love on a sandy beach. Well, maybe that's pushing things a bit, but my mind is wandering today, and since I'm feeling sick, happy fantasies are just helpful. Hmm... Since my last boytoy stopped calling a few months ago I've been moping about guys and girls, and haven't been very interested in meeting new people. It was great to meet someone new and who was interested. It sucks to not have any way to follow up. Sigh, he was soooo cute too. Disappointed and wanting someone to cuddle up to. Bah! Suck it up princess!
Since my brain seems to be shutting down, and I can't keep coherent, I think I'll put my head down on my desk and procrastinate. Fuck working, when I feel this crappy, it's a challenge just to stay awake and at work. Mais oui?
No, I wasn't in drag... the lady at karaoke was. *smile* Last week was nuts and today I'm under the weather. An ex is visiting the city, but I have yet to see her. Another is coming to stay with me in August for a few days while she does the touristy thing with her friend. Interesting developments. I was home visiting the folks all weekend. And yesterday I had such bad sinus problems, that today I'm a wreck. And the problems are starting up again. Oh, allergy season is SO much fun.
Last week, Buddha came for a visit. So I was out every night. I'm still tired. It was Pride Week here too, so while I didn't get very involved (best friend visiting gets priority) we went with friends to karaoke at another gay bar. It was fantastic, we had great fun. I got up and did Bootylicious with my friend Matt. We sucked shit, but it was memorable. And everyone got up to dance for our song, they'd been seated all night. Heehee, we rocked the joint. Buddha and Richard tried to duet a Jewel song, they got up on stage and when the music started they argued about who was going to sing first. This went on for 30 seconds (an eternity in karaoke time) and they were only saved when Buddha's little sister jumped up, grabbed a mic and took over. She was loaded and was most definitely the life of the party. Ahh, memories... Did I mention I hate karaoke? I really do, but a few drinks and I get into it and go a little wild.
The real reason the night was great for me, I met a really nice guy with abfab eyes. Deep brown with a really obvious sparkle, I was instantly entranced. And sexy all round too... What a hottie! Point, I sat down with my friends and he was sitting on the next couch, so we started chatting and I enjoyed his company all evening. When it came time to leave, he asked for my number and I happily obliged. I wanted to go dancing with him *so* badly but the girls were ready to go.
That was a great night. Unfortunately, nearly a week later, I have squat to show for it. *sigh* No call. No email. I gave him both, though he only wrote the number down. (But he programmed it into his phone, so hopefully it wasn't lost) How disappointing, I really wanted to get to know him better. I really wanted to see if he was datable. I really wanted to stare into his eyes while we made love on a sandy beach. Well, maybe that's pushing things a bit, but my mind is wandering today, and since I'm feeling sick, happy fantasies are just helpful. Hmm... Since my last boytoy stopped calling a few months ago I've been moping about guys and girls, and haven't been very interested in meeting new people. It was great to meet someone new and who was interested. It sucks to not have any way to follow up. Sigh, he was soooo cute too. Disappointed and wanting someone to cuddle up to. Bah! Suck it up princess!
Since my brain seems to be shutting down, and I can't keep coherent, I think I'll put my head down on my desk and procrastinate. Fuck working, when I feel this crappy, it's a challenge just to stay awake and at work. Mais oui?
Friday, July 12, 2002
blurred
My outlook of the world is usually that of it being an enormous painting made up of millions of colours, constantly being added to, adjusted, brightened and darkened as days go by... lately it as if someone took their hand and wiped it across the wet canvass, smearing the paint and colours together... the world is blurred...
I read over my last few thoughts and I sound decidedly grim... truly, while I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, things are still good and I should try to sound less whiney. My mood swings have been odd lately, more frequent, but less drastic...
Home is my haven. I have been travelling home to visit the folks a lot. I've gone the past two weekends, and every other weekend for two months before that. I contemplated going home tonight, just for the hell of it. And again next weekend. My mom called and she's coming here for the weekend to visit my uncle. So I'll be staying here this weekend, and I'll go visit my relatives and my mummy. And I can still go home next weekend. Yay! But, the decision remains, should I just move home? They'd be happy to give me a room until I found an apartment in the city... but should I leave here? I feel like I just got here... it's only been nine months... I'm really confused on this point more than anything else. I just don't know what I want to do... worse, there are few options for employment at home, while the job market is much bigger here... I refuse to move anywhere to work for peanuts in a demeaning job of any sort... no matter how dull and dreary my current job may be, it's not demeaning or disgusting. Bah, silly brain tangents.
So the big choice is not such a choice after all. If I was to move home, I would need to find work first. As that's near impossible, I am stuck here. Is that what I want? I'll be damned if I know... The thing that gets it all is that the 4 .5 hour drive that I love means that in either place, the other is still accessible at any time. So, whatever the case, I get the best of both worlds. So now, I have to decide. And because I don't know what I want, I don't know how to decide. And after weighing all my options, I'm as dazed and confused as ever.
Good thing I'm happy, otherwise I'd probably be insane by now.
My outlook of the world is usually that of it being an enormous painting made up of millions of colours, constantly being added to, adjusted, brightened and darkened as days go by... lately it as if someone took their hand and wiped it across the wet canvass, smearing the paint and colours together... the world is blurred...
I read over my last few thoughts and I sound decidedly grim... truly, while I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, things are still good and I should try to sound less whiney. My mood swings have been odd lately, more frequent, but less drastic...
Home is my haven. I have been travelling home to visit the folks a lot. I've gone the past two weekends, and every other weekend for two months before that. I contemplated going home tonight, just for the hell of it. And again next weekend. My mom called and she's coming here for the weekend to visit my uncle. So I'll be staying here this weekend, and I'll go visit my relatives and my mummy. And I can still go home next weekend. Yay! But, the decision remains, should I just move home? They'd be happy to give me a room until I found an apartment in the city... but should I leave here? I feel like I just got here... it's only been nine months... I'm really confused on this point more than anything else. I just don't know what I want to do... worse, there are few options for employment at home, while the job market is much bigger here... I refuse to move anywhere to work for peanuts in a demeaning job of any sort... no matter how dull and dreary my current job may be, it's not demeaning or disgusting. Bah, silly brain tangents.
So the big choice is not such a choice after all. If I was to move home, I would need to find work first. As that's near impossible, I am stuck here. Is that what I want? I'll be damned if I know... The thing that gets it all is that the 4 .5 hour drive that I love means that in either place, the other is still accessible at any time. So, whatever the case, I get the best of both worlds. So now, I have to decide. And because I don't know what I want, I don't know how to decide. And after weighing all my options, I'm as dazed and confused as ever.
Good thing I'm happy, otherwise I'd probably be insane by now.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
blink
I have given a name to my pain and it is Batman.
- Jack Nicholson as The Joker, Batman
I am lost.
Rudderless, lacking direction, without a guiding force, unmotivated...
I haven't had even the slightest desire to write anything lately, here or elsewhere, as I can't think. My mind went on hiatus. Siesta. I lack any type of focus, and life is all wound up around indecision and meaningless thought patterns. I am regretting my latest decision, to accept a full time position at the office... no more term position on contract, but a full fledged employee. I want to turn and run, screaming... and I don't know why.
My only thoughts lately have been to pack up and move to my hometown and find a job there... but I really want to make things work here... but these are just thoughts, my main problem is I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I want to do it...
So, my head is spinning and I'm getting worn out from over thinking everything, and being lost.
I need something, but what?
I have given a name to my pain and it is Batman.
- Jack Nicholson as The Joker, Batman
I am lost.
Rudderless, lacking direction, without a guiding force, unmotivated...
I haven't had even the slightest desire to write anything lately, here or elsewhere, as I can't think. My mind went on hiatus. Siesta. I lack any type of focus, and life is all wound up around indecision and meaningless thought patterns. I am regretting my latest decision, to accept a full time position at the office... no more term position on contract, but a full fledged employee. I want to turn and run, screaming... and I don't know why.
My only thoughts lately have been to pack up and move to my hometown and find a job there... but I really want to make things work here... but these are just thoughts, my main problem is I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I want to do it...
So, my head is spinning and I'm getting worn out from over thinking everything, and being lost.
I need something, but what?
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
my brain really doesn't flip flop from tangent to tangent, really, i mean it...
I went out with an old friend last eve. We went to karaoke at a local gay club, which in and of itself is quite entertaining. I had the pleasure of meeting his roommate, an abfab girl who is as pleasant as day. One of those people you instantly like without even trying. And she had gorgeous blue eyes! It was too loud for anything except chitchat, but I spent the evening happily looking into her eyes whenever I got a chance to talk to her. Nothing on any level except two people just introduced, and she's gay so no sexual undertones, but her eyes absolutely twinkled and smiled. I was dazzled all night long. Sigh, I know it's sad to say, but I enjoyed her company moreso than the old friend I hadn't seen in half a year. I could rant on about her and her spectacular eyes for pages, but I'll shut off the brain spewage and suffice it to say that her eyes and her smile made me happy. The world is made a little better because of special people like her.
I went out with an old friend last eve. We went to karaoke at a local gay club, which in and of itself is quite entertaining. I had the pleasure of meeting his roommate, an abfab girl who is as pleasant as day. One of those people you instantly like without even trying. And she had gorgeous blue eyes! It was too loud for anything except chitchat, but I spent the evening happily looking into her eyes whenever I got a chance to talk to her. Nothing on any level except two people just introduced, and she's gay so no sexual undertones, but her eyes absolutely twinkled and smiled. I was dazzled all night long. Sigh, I know it's sad to say, but I enjoyed her company moreso than the old friend I hadn't seen in half a year. I could rant on about her and her spectacular eyes for pages, but I'll shut off the brain spewage and suffice it to say that her eyes and her smile made me happy. The world is made a little better because of special people like her.
so i sit here early in the day, wondering about what to do next, there's many options, hmm, i am flat broke now, every cent i have is already spoken for so i guess it's less food for the week, but i have to make some decisions about what i want to do, i am completely bored with my job, nothing else seems to be popping up, the money i am making isn't enough to cover all my expenses, though i have been wasting money so it's my own bloody fault, mostly because i have been travelling home too often, my friend will not be moving home in the fall as expected, she was given a promotion and a raise so she wants to stay at least until spring, so now i have to find a new place to live and take care of the cats which are now staying at her parents house until i can take them, hmm, and i keep paying to go home and visit the folks, trips home that aren't that expensive, but when you add them all together, maybe i'm following my heart, i know that's where i want to be eventually, but is now the time? i don't think it is, but if i was to get work there, then what would or could happen? to be totally honest i don't have a fucking clue what really want, i know today i want to crawl under my blankets and go back to bed and ignore the world for a day or two, and i would but i can't afford it right now, the worst case scenario is i run screaming out of the office and claim mental instability and ask for compensation, but that wouldn't pay the bills either, and my wonderful plans for a few years down the road, what will happen to them? i want to go travel, and if i keep paying my bills as i am now, in five years i'll have everything paid off, nothing to really show for it except some great experiences, but financial freedom of a sort, and the freedom to go do stuff without worrying about what i left behind, excess baggage, and right now i can pay all my bills, if i choose not to eat much and do absolutely nothing except work, sleep and surf the net, but i can't do that, i need to get out, go have cocktails with friends, go for coffee, go to the movies, go shopping, go to dinner, argh, so many things i want, but don't want, but do, but can't, but should and haven't, my brain is starting to stop its spewing of random thoughts and the annoying miasma of uncertainty swirling round in my brain is starting to settle, but now i'm left glum and discontented, unsatisfied because i lack focus right now, and clueless as to where i'll be three months from now, and wondering just what i'm going to do
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
Poor Pinchy
Lobster. Bought right of the boat. Cooked by daddio in the POT. Best $30 I've spent in ages. Drool. Ocean's Gold. In my tummy. Yummy. And the family and friends around the table. Priceless. Screw credit cards, we should trade in lobster currency.
I applied for a job recently. In the ad they did not say what the company was, but it sounded like a decent job. I was contacted to be interviewed, at which time I found out the employer and the job details. It was fabulous! Just what I wanted to do, for a company I wanted to work for! I was so excited! I had a good interview and crossed my fingers. Unfortunately, I wasn't picked. Normally this doesn't bother me, as I usually apply for jobs that get 100's of applicants and getting the interview is usually great luck. But this job was something I really wanted. I really really wanted to work there... so I'm totally bummed out over it... but there's nothing I can do except continue the job hunt... Blah.
One ex is coming to visit sometime this month. Another is coming in August. Both I consider friends, but they are still ex's. And call me a dirty dawg, or an idiot or both, I'd sleep with either of them in an instant. It would be the stupidest thing I could *possibly* do, and it's like 99.9% "never gonna happen"... BUT, if that .01% chance ever popped up, I'd jump the opportunity faster than you could say "whoa boy". Why? Because I'm a man and I think with my dick? Nope. Because I'd like a wild fuck just for fun? Maybe. Because I'd like to lose myself in the touch, scent and sexual pleasure of these two people that I got intimate with on both a physical, mental and spiritual level? Sigh, most definitely yes. Yes, yes, yes. Fucking attachment issues... But why let go when nothing makes you let go? Common sense? Fuck that. Doing the right thing? Fuck that. Thinking about the future and not living for the moment? Fuck that. And fuck me. Please? I can say this with the steadfast assurance that either of these two would not let me touch them with a ten foot pole, if I was the last chance of a fuck in their entire lives. *smile* You see, they are both smart, practical people, that use their heads, not their hearts, when making decisions about stupid situations. Thankfully I can depend on them to never give me the opportunity to screw things up so badly. So I can happily meet them both, smiling with the memories of the past interfering not at all, except in my dreams at night when nothing counts and mistakes fade away with the morning.
Lobster. Bought right of the boat. Cooked by daddio in the POT. Best $30 I've spent in ages. Drool. Ocean's Gold. In my tummy. Yummy. And the family and friends around the table. Priceless. Screw credit cards, we should trade in lobster currency.
I applied for a job recently. In the ad they did not say what the company was, but it sounded like a decent job. I was contacted to be interviewed, at which time I found out the employer and the job details. It was fabulous! Just what I wanted to do, for a company I wanted to work for! I was so excited! I had a good interview and crossed my fingers. Unfortunately, I wasn't picked. Normally this doesn't bother me, as I usually apply for jobs that get 100's of applicants and getting the interview is usually great luck. But this job was something I really wanted. I really really wanted to work there... so I'm totally bummed out over it... but there's nothing I can do except continue the job hunt... Blah.
One ex is coming to visit sometime this month. Another is coming in August. Both I consider friends, but they are still ex's. And call me a dirty dawg, or an idiot or both, I'd sleep with either of them in an instant. It would be the stupidest thing I could *possibly* do, and it's like 99.9% "never gonna happen"... BUT, if that .01% chance ever popped up, I'd jump the opportunity faster than you could say "whoa boy". Why? Because I'm a man and I think with my dick? Nope. Because I'd like a wild fuck just for fun? Maybe. Because I'd like to lose myself in the touch, scent and sexual pleasure of these two people that I got intimate with on both a physical, mental and spiritual level? Sigh, most definitely yes. Yes, yes, yes. Fucking attachment issues... But why let go when nothing makes you let go? Common sense? Fuck that. Doing the right thing? Fuck that. Thinking about the future and not living for the moment? Fuck that. And fuck me. Please? I can say this with the steadfast assurance that either of these two would not let me touch them with a ten foot pole, if I was the last chance of a fuck in their entire lives. *smile* You see, they are both smart, practical people, that use their heads, not their hearts, when making decisions about stupid situations. Thankfully I can depend on them to never give me the opportunity to screw things up so badly. So I can happily meet them both, smiling with the memories of the past interfering not at all, except in my dreams at night when nothing counts and mistakes fade away with the morning.
Friday, June 28, 2002
ow ow ow ow ow... it hurts...
For some unfathomable reason I got no sleep last night. Oh wait, I do know the reason! My cats arrived and kept me awake all night. Between allergies and hoppy little cat feets, sleep was not to be had. I'm an aching wreck today, over-tired and sore from head to toe. Bitch - whine - moan.
The kitties are great, the older of the two did not adjust to the new surroundings at all, and hid under the bed. The little one explored every nook and cranny and made sure to push anything not glued down off each precarious ledge I happened to leave it on. I enjoy seeing them, but tonight we make the five hour trek home and tomorrow I deposit them at Buddha's parents house. Little bit of a self-imposed guilt trip for not keeping them myself... but one night in a tiny room with the two devils reminds me I am just not equipped to have them right now.
I get my lobster tomorrow! Woohoo! When I called to break the news to my mom that she would have two furry guests for one night, she told me they planned the feed for Saturday! Well tie me down and fuck me like a timberwolf! I get my lobster! I literally cheered on the phone. So my long weekend looks good so far, hopefully all will go as planned, if not, to hell with it all, I'm gonna eat me some lobstah!
For some unfathomable reason I got no sleep last night. Oh wait, I do know the reason! My cats arrived and kept me awake all night. Between allergies and hoppy little cat feets, sleep was not to be had. I'm an aching wreck today, over-tired and sore from head to toe. Bitch - whine - moan.
The kitties are great, the older of the two did not adjust to the new surroundings at all, and hid under the bed. The little one explored every nook and cranny and made sure to push anything not glued down off each precarious ledge I happened to leave it on. I enjoy seeing them, but tonight we make the five hour trek home and tomorrow I deposit them at Buddha's parents house. Little bit of a self-imposed guilt trip for not keeping them myself... but one night in a tiny room with the two devils reminds me I am just not equipped to have them right now.
I get my lobster tomorrow! Woohoo! When I called to break the news to my mom that she would have two furry guests for one night, she told me they planned the feed for Saturday! Well tie me down and fuck me like a timberwolf! I get my lobster! I literally cheered on the phone. So my long weekend looks good so far, hopefully all will go as planned, if not, to hell with it all, I'm gonna eat me some lobstah!
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
Eyes
Monday started grey and cloudy.
It turned out to be warm and sunny in the afternoon.
Tuesday started grey and cloudy.
It turned out to be warm and sunny in the afternoon.
Today started warm and sunny.
It turned out to be grey and cloudy in the afternoon.
Must mother nature fuck with our heads?
Heehee!
The day is progressing, I am close to leaving for the day. It has been rough but my mood has picked up and I feel better. Now all I need is some sleep.
I can feel the rain coming. I went for a walk on my lunch break. It has gotten grey and cloudy outside. I walked down the street and I felt the wind pick up, getting stronger and stronger and I felt the rain in it, soon to come. The power of air and water together, strong, pulsing, invigorating. What a wonderful feeling...
I saw beautiful eyes. I walked to one of the malls down the road. I saw beautiful eyes in that mall. Twice! Not just pretty eyes, not just dazzling eyes, but stunningly beautiful eyes, the kind that make my heart skip a beat. All I have to do is see them and I feel happy... what a wonderful feeling that is! I appreciate any eyes... eyes speak to me of the people I encounter as I meander along through life. But every so often I'll see eyes that literally make me stop short and blink. Twice today this happened in about a 5 minute span. Luck be a lady tonight!
If asked what colour of eyes is my favourite, I reply, "All of them." Really, I think the brown, blue or green categories just don't cover the extreme variance of colours unique to each persons eyes. I've seen and fell in love with eyes a vibrant blue the colour of the sky on a cloudless summers' day... but do I like those more than the penetrating dark brown deepness found in the eyes of my co-worker down the hall, or the shimmering emerald specks that flashed in the hazel eyes of a fiery old girlfriend, or the soft pale blue in the ever-so-sad eyes of my first boy crush... they are all heaven to me, I fall endlessly into them without a thought... eyes... how much I love eyes...
And so my day progresses and I sit here thinking about eyes, those I've experienced, those I will experience... and I am lost in thoughts of happiness and the world moves slowly along, letting me drift along with it for just a little while, happy and content.
Monday started grey and cloudy.
It turned out to be warm and sunny in the afternoon.
Tuesday started grey and cloudy.
It turned out to be warm and sunny in the afternoon.
Today started warm and sunny.
It turned out to be grey and cloudy in the afternoon.
Must mother nature fuck with our heads?
Heehee!
The day is progressing, I am close to leaving for the day. It has been rough but my mood has picked up and I feel better. Now all I need is some sleep.
I can feel the rain coming. I went for a walk on my lunch break. It has gotten grey and cloudy outside. I walked down the street and I felt the wind pick up, getting stronger and stronger and I felt the rain in it, soon to come. The power of air and water together, strong, pulsing, invigorating. What a wonderful feeling...
I saw beautiful eyes. I walked to one of the malls down the road. I saw beautiful eyes in that mall. Twice! Not just pretty eyes, not just dazzling eyes, but stunningly beautiful eyes, the kind that make my heart skip a beat. All I have to do is see them and I feel happy... what a wonderful feeling that is! I appreciate any eyes... eyes speak to me of the people I encounter as I meander along through life. But every so often I'll see eyes that literally make me stop short and blink. Twice today this happened in about a 5 minute span. Luck be a lady tonight!
If asked what colour of eyes is my favourite, I reply, "All of them." Really, I think the brown, blue or green categories just don't cover the extreme variance of colours unique to each persons eyes. I've seen and fell in love with eyes a vibrant blue the colour of the sky on a cloudless summers' day... but do I like those more than the penetrating dark brown deepness found in the eyes of my co-worker down the hall, or the shimmering emerald specks that flashed in the hazel eyes of a fiery old girlfriend, or the soft pale blue in the ever-so-sad eyes of my first boy crush... they are all heaven to me, I fall endlessly into them without a thought... eyes... how much I love eyes...
And so my day progresses and I sit here thinking about eyes, those I've experienced, those I will experience... and I am lost in thoughts of happiness and the world moves slowly along, letting me drift along with it for just a little while, happy and content.
/swear
In my eyes, indisposed
In disguise as no one knows
Hides the face, lies the snake
The sun in my disgrace
Boiling heat, summer stench
'Neath the black the sky looks dead
Call my name through the cream
And I'll hear you scream again
- Soundgarden
I am wiped out today. I woke with an awful headache and took some extra strength aspirin on top of my allergy medication. Joy of joys, my world has ground to a halt. All things seem to be sorting themselves out, but I'm in a holding pattern now. The cats issue is dealt with. I pick them up and they will take a two month vacation at Buddha's parents' place. They said they'd keep them until we get a place. Good. Not that I'd mind taking them, but it just makes everything a little easier on the brain. No permission from the Dungeon Master necessary, although just for the record he's a nice guy and he had already said yes... So, no 'me and two cats' stuck in a small room for two months. Two very frisky cats, I might add. So that is settled. Now to find an apartment. That sucks. My tenth move in five years. That's like two a year. Bitchin'! me...settle...down? I guess not... I have a job interview Friday, and if I got it, life would change dramatically... not money wise, I'd still be just making a fair wage, but the job situation would be fantastic. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, it's a job that could be lifted right from my resume. All one paragraph today. I'm too weary to separate thoughts coherently. I was bitchy to friends last night and had to apologize today. Damn my mood swings, they've been bad lately, but that's normal this time of year. Allergy season is like a living rollercoaster, I go from bitch to superbitch in a breath. The nice thing is that a few of them asked what was wrong. No smart remarks, no meanness returned, no finger pointing, they just want to know what the problem is and if they can help or fix it. Friends, good or casual, are a wonderful thing to have. The rest of the world can bite my bitchy ass, but friends, whether I'm in a good mood or bad, are worth all the gold in Texas. Is that an expression? All the tea in China maybe? Whatever. Two days here without bosses. The place runs itself, but I have things to do that I'm not in the mood to do. Fuckaluckalooey. I like that word. Summer is finally here, the weather is beautiful and the world seems like a nice place. And more than anything else right now I want a nap. Brain...need...rest...now...
In my eyes, indisposed
In disguise as no one knows
Hides the face, lies the snake
The sun in my disgrace
Boiling heat, summer stench
'Neath the black the sky looks dead
Call my name through the cream
And I'll hear you scream again
- Soundgarden
I am wiped out today. I woke with an awful headache and took some extra strength aspirin on top of my allergy medication. Joy of joys, my world has ground to a halt. All things seem to be sorting themselves out, but I'm in a holding pattern now. The cats issue is dealt with. I pick them up and they will take a two month vacation at Buddha's parents' place. They said they'd keep them until we get a place. Good. Not that I'd mind taking them, but it just makes everything a little easier on the brain. No permission from the Dungeon Master necessary, although just for the record he's a nice guy and he had already said yes... So, no 'me and two cats' stuck in a small room for two months. Two very frisky cats, I might add. So that is settled. Now to find an apartment. That sucks. My tenth move in five years. That's like two a year. Bitchin'! me...settle...down? I guess not... I have a job interview Friday, and if I got it, life would change dramatically... not money wise, I'd still be just making a fair wage, but the job situation would be fantastic. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, it's a job that could be lifted right from my resume. All one paragraph today. I'm too weary to separate thoughts coherently. I was bitchy to friends last night and had to apologize today. Damn my mood swings, they've been bad lately, but that's normal this time of year. Allergy season is like a living rollercoaster, I go from bitch to superbitch in a breath. The nice thing is that a few of them asked what was wrong. No smart remarks, no meanness returned, no finger pointing, they just want to know what the problem is and if they can help or fix it. Friends, good or casual, are a wonderful thing to have. The rest of the world can bite my bitchy ass, but friends, whether I'm in a good mood or bad, are worth all the gold in Texas. Is that an expression? All the tea in China maybe? Whatever. Two days here without bosses. The place runs itself, but I have things to do that I'm not in the mood to do. Fuckaluckalooey. I like that word. Summer is finally here, the weather is beautiful and the world seems like a nice place. And more than anything else right now I want a nap. Brain...need...rest...now...
Monday, June 24, 2002
Bach to the loch with you, Nessie!
My friends and I are most certainly Simpsons aficionados.. the little play on one of my favourite Groundskeeper Willy quotes in this entry's title relates to a pleasant experience from one of my recent trips back to The Habitat from home.
/rant from a mental tangent
Canada's CBC public radio is not my first choice of radio programming. While excellent quality, I prefer less talk. (And, I confess, I like loud pop music while travelling, it keeps me energized) I detest radio interviews. It has to be a damn good interview to keep me tuned in. Thus, CBC seems to have an interview on every time I want to hear music. I know there is CBC Radio One and CBC Radio Two and I just learned there is a CBC Radio 3 *jaw drops* but I'll be damned if I can find more than one CBC broadcast whenever I'm travelling. Yet again, I digress... After all is said and done, I support the CBC fully and I'm glad that all Canadians have this cultural source at our fingertips. Go Arts!! Nuff said.
/end rant
My pleasant experience. I was listening to the radio as I travelled back to The Habitat and I heard an absolutely fabulous piece by a group called the Montreal Guitar Trio. It is called The Lochs of Dread (listen). A classical guitar piece with a hint of reggae. Mmmm... reggae... Thus the fun of these titles. Seriously, I cracked up when I heard the title, I nearly drove off the road, right into the ocean. I enjoyed it so much that it's been running through my head off and on since then. If you like classical guitar, I recommend listening to this piece.
That was an awful lot of work to get one little thing off my mind...
Tangently yours,
Me
My friends and I are most certainly Simpsons aficionados.. the little play on one of my favourite Groundskeeper Willy quotes in this entry's title relates to a pleasant experience from one of my recent trips back to The Habitat from home.
/rant from a mental tangent
Canada's CBC public radio is not my first choice of radio programming. While excellent quality, I prefer less talk. (And, I confess, I like loud pop music while travelling, it keeps me energized) I detest radio interviews. It has to be a damn good interview to keep me tuned in. Thus, CBC seems to have an interview on every time I want to hear music. I know there is CBC Radio One and CBC Radio Two and I just learned there is a CBC Radio 3 *jaw drops* but I'll be damned if I can find more than one CBC broadcast whenever I'm travelling. Yet again, I digress... After all is said and done, I support the CBC fully and I'm glad that all Canadians have this cultural source at our fingertips. Go Arts!! Nuff said.
/end rant
My pleasant experience. I was listening to the radio as I travelled back to The Habitat and I heard an absolutely fabulous piece by a group called the Montreal Guitar Trio. It is called The Lochs of Dread (listen). A classical guitar piece with a hint of reggae. Mmmm... reggae... Thus the fun of these titles. Seriously, I cracked up when I heard the title, I nearly drove off the road, right into the ocean. I enjoyed it so much that it's been running through my head off and on since then. If you like classical guitar, I recommend listening to this piece.
That was an awful lot of work to get one little thing off my mind...
Tangently yours,
Me
Here comes the rain again...
Literally and figuratively. It was rainy this morning and looks like it will be for some of this week. I'll survive, I don't have to walk to a bloody bus. I've mentioned before that I like rain. I do, but I like big rain, not that piddly shit you get during the day that just wets everything and makes it humid and sticky outside in the heat. Blech. Deluge, that's my kind of rain. Big black clouds drowning the earth. Meow. It damn well makes me purr.
My cats are coming. My bestest friend will be moving here in September, so I'll have to leave The Dungeon and go find a two bedroom place. I am excited but dread yet another move. Sigh, there's no end to moving... and what's worse is I have to get a two bedroom based on my budget, because there is no guarantee that my friend will find work right away. Sigh, so much for a 6th floor double wide balcony with dishwasher and two baths. I will have to settle for something that meets the basic needs and hope that she finds work quickly and we can 'move it on up'. Luckily, we're both practical and can deal with the basics for a little while. But this bloody city has an obscene desire to only rent in one year leases. Bloody hell, I can see having to make a small time commitment of say 3 months, but if the place turns out to be the shits, you're stuck there for a full year? Blah.
My cats are coming. The Dungeon is not cat equipped. I posed the question to the Dungeon Master last night. "Can I keep my cats here for two months? Pretty please with me on top?" *snicker* He's cute so that would be a fun prospect... But I digress. Buddha told me she can't keep the cats, she gave her notice and is moving in with another friend out there, that doesn't have a cat-conducive space. So she told me last night she wants to send them next week? Eep. I was expecting her in November, and the cats a little while before her. *Apply Brakes* Fuck, things are progressing quickly, I guess I'll have to pick up the pace.
So, my cats are coming. Whether they can stay with me or not has yet to unfold itself into the spectrum of my reality. The overwhelming sense of, "If he says NO, what the fuck am I going to do with them??!?" hit me like a brick yesterday... They are such sweeties, but if I can't keep them who the hell will? Argh!
This weekend is along weekend. The next weekend is a long weekend 'cuz I took two days off. So over that 10 day period, I'll be here for three days. Send cats next week? Oh fuck, maybe I can live in a cardboard box out behind the office... but wait, it's suppose to rain. Argh!
Sigh.
Literally and figuratively. It was rainy this morning and looks like it will be for some of this week. I'll survive, I don't have to walk to a bloody bus. I've mentioned before that I like rain. I do, but I like big rain, not that piddly shit you get during the day that just wets everything and makes it humid and sticky outside in the heat. Blech. Deluge, that's my kind of rain. Big black clouds drowning the earth. Meow. It damn well makes me purr.
My cats are coming. My bestest friend will be moving here in September, so I'll have to leave The Dungeon and go find a two bedroom place. I am excited but dread yet another move. Sigh, there's no end to moving... and what's worse is I have to get a two bedroom based on my budget, because there is no guarantee that my friend will find work right away. Sigh, so much for a 6th floor double wide balcony with dishwasher and two baths. I will have to settle for something that meets the basic needs and hope that she finds work quickly and we can 'move it on up'. Luckily, we're both practical and can deal with the basics for a little while. But this bloody city has an obscene desire to only rent in one year leases. Bloody hell, I can see having to make a small time commitment of say 3 months, but if the place turns out to be the shits, you're stuck there for a full year? Blah.
My cats are coming. The Dungeon is not cat equipped. I posed the question to the Dungeon Master last night. "Can I keep my cats here for two months? Pretty please with me on top?" *snicker* He's cute so that would be a fun prospect... But I digress. Buddha told me she can't keep the cats, she gave her notice and is moving in with another friend out there, that doesn't have a cat-conducive space. So she told me last night she wants to send them next week? Eep. I was expecting her in November, and the cats a little while before her. *Apply Brakes* Fuck, things are progressing quickly, I guess I'll have to pick up the pace.
So, my cats are coming. Whether they can stay with me or not has yet to unfold itself into the spectrum of my reality. The overwhelming sense of, "If he says NO, what the fuck am I going to do with them??!?" hit me like a brick yesterday... They are such sweeties, but if I can't keep them who the hell will? Argh!
This weekend is along weekend. The next weekend is a long weekend 'cuz I took two days off. So over that 10 day period, I'll be here for three days. Send cats next week? Oh fuck, maybe I can live in a cardboard box out behind the office... but wait, it's suppose to rain. Argh!
Sigh.
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Lights, Camera, Action!
I went to see The Bourne Identity last eve. Twas an interesting show. Not spectacular, not boring. It entertained me, so I can hardly ask for more than that. In general, I'm a terrible movie critic, because I enjoy 99% of movies I watch. I usually try to get to see most of the major market motion pictures. On occasion I'll pick up some independent stuff... it depends on my mood. A movie would have to be pretty cheesy before I would say it is bad. I rarely give a movie less than a mediocre rating. Only once have I ever got up and left a movie... the '97 movie Excess Baggage was so bad, my friends and I were disgusted and left. Perhaps we should have known better... *shrug*
I went with my roomies... nice guys, they make me laugh... constant good humour is the call of the day around those two... not that I'm a stick in the mud myself, but they remind me of Laurel and Hardy... makes me smile... *smile*
I'm restless today. Not a good thing. When I get restless I make silly decisions that usually give me grief later, but time and again it happens... Innocence and Experience Does experience mean anything if you ignore it? Or is it more important to ignore experience and take a blind irrational step every so often? I know the answer that works for me, do both... But danmit, it gets me in trouble...
I went to see The Bourne Identity last eve. Twas an interesting show. Not spectacular, not boring. It entertained me, so I can hardly ask for more than that. In general, I'm a terrible movie critic, because I enjoy 99% of movies I watch. I usually try to get to see most of the major market motion pictures. On occasion I'll pick up some independent stuff... it depends on my mood. A movie would have to be pretty cheesy before I would say it is bad. I rarely give a movie less than a mediocre rating. Only once have I ever got up and left a movie... the '97 movie Excess Baggage was so bad, my friends and I were disgusted and left. Perhaps we should have known better... *shrug*
I went with my roomies... nice guys, they make me laugh... constant good humour is the call of the day around those two... not that I'm a stick in the mud myself, but they remind me of Laurel and Hardy... makes me smile... *smile*
I'm restless today. Not a good thing. When I get restless I make silly decisions that usually give me grief later, but time and again it happens... Innocence and Experience Does experience mean anything if you ignore it? Or is it more important to ignore experience and take a blind irrational step every so often? I know the answer that works for me, do both... But danmit, it gets me in trouble...
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
See my briefs!
I am not a morning person.
Let me repeat that. I am *NOT* a morning person. At all. I hate getting up, I hate waking up, I hate that moment that inevitably comes every single solitary workday morning when the realization sets in that if I stay in bed one second longer, I'll be late for work. Argh!
I am not a morning person. I love the night. Sunsets, my favourite time of day, the dazzling end of a brilliant day and the onset of night. I am a night owl. I like the wee hours of the night when the streets are empty and the world around me sleeps. Night is my playground.
I am not a morning person. I survive mornings mainly through one happy moment each day, when I hop into a hot steamy shower. I am a shower guy... yes, yes, yes... I begin to wake up when I get my shower. And I like it hot! Damn hot! Well, not scalding hot but enough to make the room really, really steamy when I'm done. If it gets too hot I suffer... it kills my ultra-sensitive skin, and I end with a few days of painful itchiness and irritation. But the shower is my morning saviour and without it my day just isn't right.
And this morning we had no hot water. Joy of joys. Best morning ever... Argh!
I woke up on time today, which is a miracle in and of itself. My room was freezing cold and all I wanted was to run up and dive into a nice hot shower. Didn't happen. I ran the water for five minutes. The hot water tap gave forth water several degrees below that of the cold water tap. "What's all this then?" I says to meself. So, I march down into the basement and go into the furnace room. I have never been in here before and I find there are no lights. Great. And the floor is covered with stuff. Great. And the water tank is in the back corner. Great. So I go on safari into the darkest recesses of this basement jungle. It's scary and I'm nearly lost on many occasions, "Ow! A nail!", "Ow! Something sharp and pointy!", "Ow! Something cold and pointy!", "Ew! Something cold and squishy!" and so on... An unpleasant journey for poor little, still half-asleep me...
At last, I found the heater! I hit the Start button and away it goes. Yay! Not 20 seconds later is comes to a dead stop. Boo! I hit the Start button again! Yay! Dead stop again... Boo! (doesn't it sound like I'm describing a Windows user experience, muahaha)
The moral of the story: There is none. Having no hot water sucks. I didn't get my shower and it hasn't been a great day, but I'm surviving. I had to shave and wash with icy cold water and I feel incomplete... I hope the guy that owns the place has whatever problem solved so I can get a shower tonite. Sigh.
After the safari, I knocked on my other roommate's door to let him know what was happening. So when he popped open the door I was standing happily in nothing but my CK boxer-briefs. Heehee, I'm such an exhibitionist. Normally, a guy seeing a guy in his undies ain't anything out of the ord, but when you're both queer, there's underlying currents, and I just enjoyed the moment. Heehee. Besides... he's really cute!
See my briefs!
*grin*
I am not a morning person.
Let me repeat that. I am *NOT* a morning person. At all. I hate getting up, I hate waking up, I hate that moment that inevitably comes every single solitary workday morning when the realization sets in that if I stay in bed one second longer, I'll be late for work. Argh!
I am not a morning person. I love the night. Sunsets, my favourite time of day, the dazzling end of a brilliant day and the onset of night. I am a night owl. I like the wee hours of the night when the streets are empty and the world around me sleeps. Night is my playground.
I am not a morning person. I survive mornings mainly through one happy moment each day, when I hop into a hot steamy shower. I am a shower guy... yes, yes, yes... I begin to wake up when I get my shower. And I like it hot! Damn hot! Well, not scalding hot but enough to make the room really, really steamy when I'm done. If it gets too hot I suffer... it kills my ultra-sensitive skin, and I end with a few days of painful itchiness and irritation. But the shower is my morning saviour and without it my day just isn't right.
And this morning we had no hot water. Joy of joys. Best morning ever... Argh!
I woke up on time today, which is a miracle in and of itself. My room was freezing cold and all I wanted was to run up and dive into a nice hot shower. Didn't happen. I ran the water for five minutes. The hot water tap gave forth water several degrees below that of the cold water tap. "What's all this then?" I says to meself. So, I march down into the basement and go into the furnace room. I have never been in here before and I find there are no lights. Great. And the floor is covered with stuff. Great. And the water tank is in the back corner. Great. So I go on safari into the darkest recesses of this basement jungle. It's scary and I'm nearly lost on many occasions, "Ow! A nail!", "Ow! Something sharp and pointy!", "Ow! Something cold and pointy!", "Ew! Something cold and squishy!" and so on... An unpleasant journey for poor little, still half-asleep me...
At last, I found the heater! I hit the Start button and away it goes. Yay! Not 20 seconds later is comes to a dead stop. Boo! I hit the Start button again! Yay! Dead stop again... Boo! (doesn't it sound like I'm describing a Windows user experience, muahaha)
The moral of the story: There is none. Having no hot water sucks. I didn't get my shower and it hasn't been a great day, but I'm surviving. I had to shave and wash with icy cold water and I feel incomplete... I hope the guy that owns the place has whatever problem solved so I can get a shower tonite. Sigh.
After the safari, I knocked on my other roommate's door to let him know what was happening. So when he popped open the door I was standing happily in nothing but my CK boxer-briefs. Heehee, I'm such an exhibitionist. Normally, a guy seeing a guy in his undies ain't anything out of the ord, but when you're both queer, there's underlying currents, and I just enjoyed the moment. Heehee. Besides... he's really cute!
See my briefs!
*grin*
Friday, June 14, 2002
I rode along on the bus and wrote this in my head as we drove along; knowing full well I wouldn't remember a word... I was right, but it doesn't matter; the only things I recall are two lines; one, the monologue that's ongoing as I watch the streets pass by cannot be put down in words, the words just keep coming and going, all that matters is the experience of them; the other, acid is my siren; but I have always been it's master and always will be, I hear it call, and I can look it in the eye, and even though it's song entices me more than anything else, I can turn away;
I walked into utopia this evening; when I was younger I tried many drugs, not the harsh ones like crack or heroin, but the fun teenager types that make weekends into experiences; they were all fun, interesting, entertaining, whatever... but of them all, I fell in love with acid, LSD, the maker of my mind;
tonite I had a flashback; only the second in my life.. the first was vague and I can't recall when or where it happened, it was short and I wasn't sure until later what had happened; not so tonite... this one was so potent I am still dizzy with excitement; the world is a new thing when you're on a trip like this... it has been three years since I had my last hit, I've thought about finding some here, but it wasn't a big thing, just something to do if I got bored... tonite was a treat beyond my wildest wishes; there is no describing such a thing, it just is; and I am happy;
I went to see the movie Insomnia tonite; I can only assume that brought it on; the movie has such odd flashing scenes all through it, the lights just rushed me out; thank you makers of the movie, it wasn't all that great in and of itself, but as I left the theatre the world did a 360 and I found pure bliss...
I walked into utopia this evening; when I was younger I tried many drugs, not the harsh ones like crack or heroin, but the fun teenager types that make weekends into experiences; they were all fun, interesting, entertaining, whatever... but of them all, I fell in love with acid, LSD, the maker of my mind;
tonite I had a flashback; only the second in my life.. the first was vague and I can't recall when or where it happened, it was short and I wasn't sure until later what had happened; not so tonite... this one was so potent I am still dizzy with excitement; the world is a new thing when you're on a trip like this... it has been three years since I had my last hit, I've thought about finding some here, but it wasn't a big thing, just something to do if I got bored... tonite was a treat beyond my wildest wishes; there is no describing such a thing, it just is; and I am happy;
I went to see the movie Insomnia tonite; I can only assume that brought it on; the movie has such odd flashing scenes all through it, the lights just rushed me out; thank you makers of the movie, it wasn't all that great in and of itself, but as I left the theatre the world did a 360 and I found pure bliss...
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Ack! Pollen!
Allergies. Millions of north americans have allergies. I am one of these fortunate many.
"And the world shall have beauty," said the Lord. "And it shall have trees, and flowers, and grass, and warm shall its days be. And it shall have seasons in which it will renew itself and the people I put on it shall delight in its wonder. And some of them shall have allergies. BAM!"
As he creates allergies, I picture God with a handful of pepper, doing the Emeril thing, "BAM!" and a handful of itty-bitty humans sneezing their fool heads off... thus allergies are created.
I am not one of the unfortunate many that have life-threatening allergies. I am allergic to spring. To a lesser degree summer. To an even lesser degree, some kitties and puppies.
I recall a first grade experience, sitting in the hall of the old elementary school, my eyes swollen nearly shut, filled with water so badly it looked like I was crying for a week, my nose red and running a marathon, sneezing and wheezing, waiting for my mom to arrive at the school with Orange Triaminic, the drug of choice in my childhood. Mmm... that stuff was good. Red Triaminic, the stuff we took for colds and flus, not a pleasant thing, but the thick orangey syrup of Orange Triaminic was a saviour to me for many years.
In recent years, a plethora of drugs has gone through my system in an attempt to ward off the evil spirits of springtime allergens. Most provide some relief from the worst symptoms, but it's a bandaid situation. I struggle through the days, cranky and irritable, waiting for spring to end. I suppose this is a big factor in Autumn being my favorite time of the year.
I have minor allergy symptoms for about two or three months each spring. But, sometime in May or June I go through a period of one to three weeks of pure hell. Allergy attacks so bad that I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. There are some drugs that relieve all the symptoms so well that it is scary, but those drugs render me useless. Liquid Benydril, my last resort in the battle against seasonal allergies, clears out my system so fully I actually feel like I had a sinus and nasal enema. The downside is that if I am able to stay awake after a dose of the stuff, I am unable to think. At all. Period. Brain go numb. I literally sit in a chair and blink. Television is the only thing I am able to process, because TV doesn't really require thinking. Read a book? Can't. Conversation with people? Can't. Work? Can't. I become useless. Thus Liquid Benydril, as a last resort to stop the most severe allergy attacks I get, renders me useless. Catch 22? Damn right it is.
So I've been moody and cranky and whiney lately Plllb!! It's my version of PMS, except it's an annual occurrence and fuck you if you cross my path because, bitch, I'm gonna tear you a new asshole!
Heehee, it's soooo nice to vent. All in all, allergies and flu aside, life's been damn good lately. My best friend is moving back to the east coast this fall, she wants to share an apartment... I'm soooo happy! She's so awesome! The Buddha's coming back! Yay!
And now after wasting 2 hours at work, I think I'll go do some of that stuff that I get paid for. And get a Kleenex. *sniffle sniffle*
Allergies. Millions of north americans have allergies. I am one of these fortunate many.
"And the world shall have beauty," said the Lord. "And it shall have trees, and flowers, and grass, and warm shall its days be. And it shall have seasons in which it will renew itself and the people I put on it shall delight in its wonder. And some of them shall have allergies. BAM!"
As he creates allergies, I picture God with a handful of pepper, doing the Emeril thing, "BAM!" and a handful of itty-bitty humans sneezing their fool heads off... thus allergies are created.
I am not one of the unfortunate many that have life-threatening allergies. I am allergic to spring. To a lesser degree summer. To an even lesser degree, some kitties and puppies.
I recall a first grade experience, sitting in the hall of the old elementary school, my eyes swollen nearly shut, filled with water so badly it looked like I was crying for a week, my nose red and running a marathon, sneezing and wheezing, waiting for my mom to arrive at the school with Orange Triaminic, the drug of choice in my childhood. Mmm... that stuff was good. Red Triaminic, the stuff we took for colds and flus, not a pleasant thing, but the thick orangey syrup of Orange Triaminic was a saviour to me for many years.
In recent years, a plethora of drugs has gone through my system in an attempt to ward off the evil spirits of springtime allergens. Most provide some relief from the worst symptoms, but it's a bandaid situation. I struggle through the days, cranky and irritable, waiting for spring to end. I suppose this is a big factor in Autumn being my favorite time of the year.
I have minor allergy symptoms for about two or three months each spring. But, sometime in May or June I go through a period of one to three weeks of pure hell. Allergy attacks so bad that I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. There are some drugs that relieve all the symptoms so well that it is scary, but those drugs render me useless. Liquid Benydril, my last resort in the battle against seasonal allergies, clears out my system so fully I actually feel like I had a sinus and nasal enema. The downside is that if I am able to stay awake after a dose of the stuff, I am unable to think. At all. Period. Brain go numb. I literally sit in a chair and blink. Television is the only thing I am able to process, because TV doesn't really require thinking. Read a book? Can't. Conversation with people? Can't. Work? Can't. I become useless. Thus Liquid Benydril, as a last resort to stop the most severe allergy attacks I get, renders me useless. Catch 22? Damn right it is.
So I've been moody and cranky and whiney lately Plllb!! It's my version of PMS, except it's an annual occurrence and fuck you if you cross my path because, bitch, I'm gonna tear you a new asshole!
Heehee, it's soooo nice to vent. All in all, allergies and flu aside, life's been damn good lately. My best friend is moving back to the east coast this fall, she wants to share an apartment... I'm soooo happy! She's so awesome! The Buddha's coming back! Yay!
And now after wasting 2 hours at work, I think I'll go do some of that stuff that I get paid for. And get a Kleenex. *sniffle sniffle*
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
persons
i am at peace with the universe
i sense the wholeness of everything, seen and unseen
i look, and without knowledge or understanding, i comprehend existence
i wake each day,
i am at peace with the universe
i wake each day,
i lose my way, lose my sight, lose my grip on reality
indecision, fear, wonder, awe,
i shiver and quake
i am an insignificant piece of the universe
i shiver and quake
i stumble, fall, tear out my heart , i agonize over my losses,
i sense my reality, clear my head, i look to the stars and beyond
i feel life and reality, existence unfurled
i am at peace with the universe
i am at peace with the universe
i sense the wholeness of everything, seen and unseen
i look, and without knowledge or understanding, i comprehend existence
i wake each day,
i am at peace with the universe
i wake each day,
i lose my way, lose my sight, lose my grip on reality
indecision, fear, wonder, awe,
i shiver and quake
i am an insignificant piece of the universe
i shiver and quake
i stumble, fall, tear out my heart , i agonize over my losses,
i sense my reality, clear my head, i look to the stars and beyond
i feel life and reality, existence unfurled
i am at peace with the universe
Friday, June 07, 2002
More rain, but I'm dry
It rained again this morning. It is needed. The forests are parched and fires threaten. Let it rain, cuz I'm in a good mood.
I got to the bus on time and sat down amid the damp and steaming masses on their early morning commute. I looked up and was treated to Poetry on the Go, a public transit thing. Poetry rather than those godawful ads... how wonderful! As a poet myself, I appreciate how wonderful it is that poets have one more way to reach the public.
I've seen similar things on many buses across the country, but this one poem was really perfect for this morning and it made me smile. A simple, eight line rhyme about the wind. I'm still all tingly about it. It opened the floodgate of my imagination and I've been drifting around in it all day. Lovely. What a great way to start a day!
So kudos to you, gentle creators of Poetry on the Go... I salute your brilliant idea that has so many times made me smile, but today, has made me happy.
Now if only they'll change internet advertising to poetry... one can wish! *smile*
It rained again this morning. It is needed. The forests are parched and fires threaten. Let it rain, cuz I'm in a good mood.
I got to the bus on time and sat down amid the damp and steaming masses on their early morning commute. I looked up and was treated to Poetry on the Go, a public transit thing. Poetry rather than those godawful ads... how wonderful! As a poet myself, I appreciate how wonderful it is that poets have one more way to reach the public.
I've seen similar things on many buses across the country, but this one poem was really perfect for this morning and it made me smile. A simple, eight line rhyme about the wind. I'm still all tingly about it. It opened the floodgate of my imagination and I've been drifting around in it all day. Lovely. What a great way to start a day!
So kudos to you, gentle creators of Poetry on the Go... I salute your brilliant idea that has so many times made me smile, but today, has made me happy.
Now if only they'll change internet advertising to poetry... one can wish! *smile*
Thursday, June 06, 2002
I am not in a good mood today.
It was downpouring as I prepared to leave for work. It is a fifteen minute walk from my house to where I get the bus. Joy...
I was warned by a co-worker that it would rain today, so last night I purchased my very first umbrella. It is purple. I own a bright purple umbrella. It is the only thing I have found bright in the dismal day.
Today, I learned that umbrellas work wonderfully for rain that is falling directly to the ground. Today, I learned umbrellas do not work well with rain being driven sideways by high winds.
I've been at work for three hours and my lower half is still wet. I walked in the front door, soaking wet from the waist down and the staff took one look at me and decided it was not a good day to talk to me. To be honest, the only way I cold have stayed dry on that walk was if I was wearing full rain gear. It was very windy, very rainy and very unpleasant.
I am not in a good mood today.
I miss my car. Oh, my shitty little car, how I miss thee... sigh... I would have been to work on time and warm, dry and happy if I had my car. Fuck, this week sucks.
I thought I might have a free drive home to get my car for the weekend. That went tits up this morning. My friend has to leave early in the day, and I can't afford to take another day off. So my options are to pay a lot of money and go home Saturday morning and drive back Sunday, or wait until next weekend and get a drive home then.
Another week sans automobile? ... kill me now! ... please!! ... all I want right now is to go back to bed and pretend this week has not happened. Sigh.
I am not in a good mood today.
It was downpouring as I prepared to leave for work. It is a fifteen minute walk from my house to where I get the bus. Joy...
I was warned by a co-worker that it would rain today, so last night I purchased my very first umbrella. It is purple. I own a bright purple umbrella. It is the only thing I have found bright in the dismal day.
Today, I learned that umbrellas work wonderfully for rain that is falling directly to the ground. Today, I learned umbrellas do not work well with rain being driven sideways by high winds.
I've been at work for three hours and my lower half is still wet. I walked in the front door, soaking wet from the waist down and the staff took one look at me and decided it was not a good day to talk to me. To be honest, the only way I cold have stayed dry on that walk was if I was wearing full rain gear. It was very windy, very rainy and very unpleasant.
I am not in a good mood today.
I miss my car. Oh, my shitty little car, how I miss thee... sigh... I would have been to work on time and warm, dry and happy if I had my car. Fuck, this week sucks.
I thought I might have a free drive home to get my car for the weekend. That went tits up this morning. My friend has to leave early in the day, and I can't afford to take another day off. So my options are to pay a lot of money and go home Saturday morning and drive back Sunday, or wait until next weekend and get a drive home then.
Another week sans automobile? ... kill me now! ... please!! ... all I want right now is to go back to bed and pretend this week has not happened. Sigh.
I am not in a good mood today.
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
My weekend was not what I had hoped for. I wanted to get home, relax have lobster and a house party Saturday evening and head back to the habitat after the family dinner on Sunday.
Nope. Didn't happen.
Friday evening. I crash at 10pm. I am too worn out to stay awake any longer. Sadly, my parents are up partying three hours after I hit the sack. But I don't feel old... I swear.
Saturday morning. The starter in my car has decided to cease functioning... so I am now without a vehicle for the weekend. Also, I no longer have a way back to the habitat. Shitdamnhellcrapassfuck! (a phrase borrowed from a friend) And, this is gonna cut into my lobster buying money.
Saturday afternoon. Mom's resident dies at church. No one is going to party tonite, that's right out... Lobster feed, which is already on shaky ground due to neighbor's scheduling conflict, goes down the tubes. Just as well, I wouldn't enjoy it as much. I drown my sorrows in BBQ'd ribs and beer. I decide to veg out with the folks, so I rent Ocean's 11. I have seen it before, but it was a fun movie and I drool over Brad and Julia anyway. Ok, so Saturday isn't all bad...
Sunday morning. Ow my head hurts. I go to church to listen to the folks sing. They still amaze me. We have the family dinner. I gain five pounds, well, maybe ten... sigh... I call the mechanic neighbor that *hopefully* will fix my car. His phone is temporarily disconnected. Shitdamnhellcrapassfuck! Reality sets in and reality bites. I now know I will have to leave my car to be fixed and take a shuttle back to the habitat - bloody hell... call the boss, tell him I won't be in Monday; call shuttle, book a seat; call college friend that I haven't seen in a while, make a date for a movie; whew...
Sunday evening. I feel fat because, over the course of two days, I have eaten a whole pie.Oink oink! I pick up my date, who is an old friend from college, the younger sister of my best friend, so the implied date thing is just a joke, and we shoot the shit for a few hours over really bad coffee, and I laugh my hole off. Life is good. Finish the evening by going to see Clones! Yay, it was great, I enjoyed it *SO* much! I drop off the little darling with a promise to call next time I'm home. I crawl in to bed at 2:05am.
Monday morning. At 6:00am I dive through the shower and shovel in a little food as I race to get packed up and ready to go. I leave several essential parts of my life in my room, damnit! (The worst thing left is my alarm clock... ack! Nothing to get me up for work Tuesday morning?? Oh dear god, this is *NOT* good...) Get a drive to the shuttle for a nice five hour ordeal. (When I'm the driver, I love the long drive. When I'm the passenger, it is pure torture.) Five hours later I'm tired and cranky and back in the habitat. Shitdamnhellcrapassfuck!
And that, as they say, is that. I'll head back this weekend to fetch my lovely car. $235.00 later I'll hop in and drive it back here. Sigh. Maybe the magic fucksy faery will sprinkle some magic fucksy dust on me and I'll get laid this weekend. *smile* Yeah, I'm daydreaming again.
Nope. Didn't happen.
Friday evening. I crash at 10pm. I am too worn out to stay awake any longer. Sadly, my parents are up partying three hours after I hit the sack. But I don't feel old... I swear.
Saturday morning. The starter in my car has decided to cease functioning... so I am now without a vehicle for the weekend. Also, I no longer have a way back to the habitat. Shitdamnhellcrapassfuck! (a phrase borrowed from a friend) And, this is gonna cut into my lobster buying money.
Saturday afternoon. Mom's resident dies at church. No one is going to party tonite, that's right out... Lobster feed, which is already on shaky ground due to neighbor's scheduling conflict, goes down the tubes. Just as well, I wouldn't enjoy it as much. I drown my sorrows in BBQ'd ribs and beer. I decide to veg out with the folks, so I rent Ocean's 11. I have seen it before, but it was a fun movie and I drool over Brad and Julia anyway. Ok, so Saturday isn't all bad...
Sunday morning. Ow my head hurts. I go to church to listen to the folks sing. They still amaze me. We have the family dinner. I gain five pounds, well, maybe ten... sigh... I call the mechanic neighbor that *hopefully* will fix my car. His phone is temporarily disconnected. Shitdamnhellcrapassfuck! Reality sets in and reality bites. I now know I will have to leave my car to be fixed and take a shuttle back to the habitat - bloody hell... call the boss, tell him I won't be in Monday; call shuttle, book a seat; call college friend that I haven't seen in a while, make a date for a movie; whew...
Sunday evening. I feel fat because, over the course of two days, I have eaten a whole pie.Oink oink! I pick up my date, who is an old friend from college, the younger sister of my best friend, so the implied date thing is just a joke, and we shoot the shit for a few hours over really bad coffee, and I laugh my hole off. Life is good. Finish the evening by going to see Clones! Yay, it was great, I enjoyed it *SO* much! I drop off the little darling with a promise to call next time I'm home. I crawl in to bed at 2:05am.
Monday morning. At 6:00am I dive through the shower and shovel in a little food as I race to get packed up and ready to go. I leave several essential parts of my life in my room, damnit! (The worst thing left is my alarm clock... ack! Nothing to get me up for work Tuesday morning?? Oh dear god, this is *NOT* good...) Get a drive to the shuttle for a nice five hour ordeal. (When I'm the driver, I love the long drive. When I'm the passenger, it is pure torture.) Five hours later I'm tired and cranky and back in the habitat. Shitdamnhellcrapassfuck!
And that, as they say, is that. I'll head back this weekend to fetch my lovely car. $235.00 later I'll hop in and drive it back here. Sigh. Maybe the magic fucksy faery will sprinkle some magic fucksy dust on me and I'll get laid this weekend. *smile* Yeah, I'm daydreaming again.
The Passing of Florence
One of the residents at my mom's house died Saturday. She was 82 years old and had lived there for five years. I'd gotten to know her quite well. A very friendly old lady with a remarkable sense of humour and a positive outlook on life. I sat at the kitchen table doing a crossword with my parents and eating lunch Saturday. She was with there with us, joking around, teasing us we attempted the tough weekend puzzle. A few hours later, mom took her to church and that's where she died. Mom told us she was sitting there kidding that she'd drive them back to the house after church, and a few minutes later took one big breath and was gone. What gets my mind spinning, is the fact that she had always said that she had no problem with dying, but that she wanted to get to church before she did. She got her wish. She had a peaceful death where she wanted to be in the end... what more could anyone ask?
She will be missed and fondly remembered.
One of the residents at my mom's house died Saturday. She was 82 years old and had lived there for five years. I'd gotten to know her quite well. A very friendly old lady with a remarkable sense of humour and a positive outlook on life. I sat at the kitchen table doing a crossword with my parents and eating lunch Saturday. She was with there with us, joking around, teasing us we attempted the tough weekend puzzle. A few hours later, mom took her to church and that's where she died. Mom told us she was sitting there kidding that she'd drive them back to the house after church, and a few minutes later took one big breath and was gone. What gets my mind spinning, is the fact that she had always said that she had no problem with dying, but that she wanted to get to church before she did. She got her wish. She had a peaceful death where she wanted to be in the end... what more could anyone ask?
She will be missed and fondly remembered.
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Blue screen of death.
Nothing is more frustrating than when you are working on some document and then, out of nowhere, *snap, crackle, pop* your computer crashes. We all know the feeling! We all have that worst-experience-ever that can be recalled... argh!
I had a wonderful rant about my weekend, and it's gone with the wind... Sigh... I'm too annoyed to start again now, I'll do it tomorrow.
And of course as I saw everything lock up in front of me, I silently cursed Gates and all MS for once again adding to my insanity... but 'lo, twas not Gates this time, twas Novell Server. Bloody hell, can't even cuss out Gates today and get away with it, Jeebus!
Damn them all, I hope they all rot! *smile*
Aside from that, the "just-not-Lisa" started this week and she's pretty good. I like her. The potential for more shenanigans increases by the second... and my mood is improving. All in all, not a bad way to start the week (yes, it's Tuesday, not Monday, and not a Monday in disguise... Monday won't pull a fast one on me again!!)
A co-worker just pointed out a typo he found online on some crazy petition... No matter who you are, you cannot spell the word MYSTERIOUS as "miterious". I think that made my day. *smile*
Nothing is more frustrating than when you are working on some document and then, out of nowhere, *snap, crackle, pop* your computer crashes. We all know the feeling! We all have that worst-experience-ever that can be recalled... argh!
I had a wonderful rant about my weekend, and it's gone with the wind... Sigh... I'm too annoyed to start again now, I'll do it tomorrow.
And of course as I saw everything lock up in front of me, I silently cursed Gates and all MS for once again adding to my insanity... but 'lo, twas not Gates this time, twas Novell Server. Bloody hell, can't even cuss out Gates today and get away with it, Jeebus!
Damn them all, I hope they all rot! *smile*
Aside from that, the "just-not-Lisa" started this week and she's pretty good. I like her. The potential for more shenanigans increases by the second... and my mood is improving. All in all, not a bad way to start the week (yes, it's Tuesday, not Monday, and not a Monday in disguise... Monday won't pull a fast one on me again!!)
A co-worker just pointed out a typo he found online on some crazy petition... No matter who you are, you cannot spell the word MYSTERIOUS as "miterious". I think that made my day. *smile*
Friday, May 31, 2002
There she goes
There she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
- Sixpence None The Richer/ The La' s
Sing once, then repeat with "he" appearing wherever "she" is and you've got my current state of mind. All my ex's seem to be floating through my thoughts today...
Being bi can make it a tad confusing when trying to relate to lyrics in most pop songs, but this one is one of my favs... I'll sing it all weekend now, it's stuck in my head.
Two hours until I get in my car to drive home. Sigh... Time seems to be at a standstill....
There she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
- Sixpence None The Richer/ The La' s
Sing once, then repeat with "he" appearing wherever "she" is and you've got my current state of mind. All my ex's seem to be floating through my thoughts today...
Being bi can make it a tad confusing when trying to relate to lyrics in most pop songs, but this one is one of my favs... I'll sing it all weekend now, it's stuck in my head.
Two hours until I get in my car to drive home. Sigh... Time seems to be at a standstill....
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Yet again, I'm going home to visit the folks this weekend.
Quite simply, I love being home. Living on the ocean is one unending dream. I suppose that to be technically correct, I have to say living *beside* the ocean, because my parents don't live on a houseboat... but the culture of the area has given 'Living on the ocean' a special meaning to our people, and that is the term of endearment we use. I know many coastal communities in our area use the same expression, maybe many more do... *shrug* Love the ocean, I do. And while I'm happy in my habitat, and it suits my current needs, my heart has never left my home... it never will.
Some people don't like the four to five hour drive from here to there. I find it therapeutic. I enjoy it. It clears my mind and eases my stressed out body... After a long week of deskjob drudgery, to hit the highway and enjoy a nice long drive seems like the happiest thing I could do. I know that right this moment, Thursday AM, siting at my desk, I *want* to be in my car driving somewhere, anywhere... sigh... 29.5 hours from now I will be! Joy!
The highlight of the weekend, I hope, will be a Feed o' Lobster. For the unenlightened, this ain't no lobster you et on no plate in dem dere fancy eatin' places. This is real Atlantic lobster, fresh off the wharf, boiled in brine right from the shore across the road, in a huge pot (referred to as the P.O.T. in our family) on the back deck, brought in to the kitchen in a big stainless steel bowl, to a table covered in yesterday's newspaper, where family and friends gather with eating utensils (nutcrackers and a hammer) and bowls of melted butter to feast on the gold of the ocean. Sounds barbaric, n'est pas?
Actually it's a delightful experience, very much like a corn boil, just with a different menu... It is a tradition of which I am more than happy to partake. I've had lobster in many places, but when you have it done like this... pheh! There is no comparison. This beats all, hands down, best ever, drool for a week in anticipation, drool for a week after wanting more... I just realized I'm very hungry now.
Must eat plain food now, wait for gold of ocean... *Drool* Yum...
Quite simply, I love being home. Living on the ocean is one unending dream. I suppose that to be technically correct, I have to say living *beside* the ocean, because my parents don't live on a houseboat... but the culture of the area has given 'Living on the ocean' a special meaning to our people, and that is the term of endearment we use. I know many coastal communities in our area use the same expression, maybe many more do... *shrug* Love the ocean, I do. And while I'm happy in my habitat, and it suits my current needs, my heart has never left my home... it never will.
Some people don't like the four to five hour drive from here to there. I find it therapeutic. I enjoy it. It clears my mind and eases my stressed out body... After a long week of deskjob drudgery, to hit the highway and enjoy a nice long drive seems like the happiest thing I could do. I know that right this moment, Thursday AM, siting at my desk, I *want* to be in my car driving somewhere, anywhere... sigh... 29.5 hours from now I will be! Joy!
The highlight of the weekend, I hope, will be a Feed o' Lobster. For the unenlightened, this ain't no lobster you et on no plate in dem dere fancy eatin' places. This is real Atlantic lobster, fresh off the wharf, boiled in brine right from the shore across the road, in a huge pot (referred to as the P.O.T. in our family) on the back deck, brought in to the kitchen in a big stainless steel bowl, to a table covered in yesterday's newspaper, where family and friends gather with eating utensils (nutcrackers and a hammer) and bowls of melted butter to feast on the gold of the ocean. Sounds barbaric, n'est pas?
Actually it's a delightful experience, very much like a corn boil, just with a different menu... It is a tradition of which I am more than happy to partake. I've had lobster in many places, but when you have it done like this... pheh! There is no comparison. This beats all, hands down, best ever, drool for a week in anticipation, drool for a week after wanting more... I just realized I'm very hungry now.
Must eat plain food now, wait for gold of ocean... *Drool* Yum...
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
My very own personal hell on earth...
I can describe it in two words: Microsoft Word.
This program is the devil! God what a clunker. It integrates seamlessly with *absolutely nothing* outside the Microsoft spectrum of software products. Not a shock, it's old news, everyone knows this... but hell, why doesn't someone nuke the bastards that make this crap?!?
As I rant aimlessly... the MS machine shall not be beaten.. nor shall it produce quality products. End of story. Sigh.
I'm accustomed to using Quark and Adobe products for all my print work. Being stuck in an office using Word and a built-in word processor from a POS database program is slowly driving me insane. I fear I'll end up going crazy and throwing each machine through the nearest window just to see it break into little bits and pieces, as I scream at each one, "Gates you bastard, integrate this! Die!"
On a happier note, I spoke with one of my dearest friends a few nights ago and she may move home very soon. That reads: sometime within a year. Yay! She feels the same need I did before I moved... to be close to home, friends and family. I don't blame her. She has a good paying job that she can't stand anymore. Been there, done that, ate the cheese doodles that came with it. I'm happy, I miss her a lot, and having her home would be fantastic... We're two of the 'Three Musketeers' that formed the core of my social circle in my university days... the third lives in London. And he's considering a move home too, but that's not gonna happen anytime soon. One at a time, we'll be together again...
On a less happy note, I haven't had a date in a few weeks. I'm bored, horny and want the satisfaction of pressing up against friendly naked flesh. Yeah, that. I meet with a few friends tonight to look over the local datable merchandise. I want to get laid. Having standards sucks, otherwise the 'friends with benefits' plan would come with all the options. Not that I don't take the occasional small options package, but I want the full meal deal. Sucka fo' luv, sucka fo' luv... everything else, no matter how enjoyable, is just fleeting... I'm sexually frustrated and miss my sexy little blue-eyed boy toy... Sigh...
I can describe it in two words: Microsoft Word.
This program is the devil! God what a clunker. It integrates seamlessly with *absolutely nothing* outside the Microsoft spectrum of software products. Not a shock, it's old news, everyone knows this... but hell, why doesn't someone nuke the bastards that make this crap?!?
As I rant aimlessly... the MS machine shall not be beaten.. nor shall it produce quality products. End of story. Sigh.
I'm accustomed to using Quark and Adobe products for all my print work. Being stuck in an office using Word and a built-in word processor from a POS database program is slowly driving me insane. I fear I'll end up going crazy and throwing each machine through the nearest window just to see it break into little bits and pieces, as I scream at each one, "Gates you bastard, integrate this! Die!"
On a happier note, I spoke with one of my dearest friends a few nights ago and she may move home very soon. That reads: sometime within a year. Yay! She feels the same need I did before I moved... to be close to home, friends and family. I don't blame her. She has a good paying job that she can't stand anymore. Been there, done that, ate the cheese doodles that came with it. I'm happy, I miss her a lot, and having her home would be fantastic... We're two of the 'Three Musketeers' that formed the core of my social circle in my university days... the third lives in London. And he's considering a move home too, but that's not gonna happen anytime soon. One at a time, we'll be together again...
On a less happy note, I haven't had a date in a few weeks. I'm bored, horny and want the satisfaction of pressing up against friendly naked flesh. Yeah, that. I meet with a few friends tonight to look over the local datable merchandise. I want to get laid. Having standards sucks, otherwise the 'friends with benefits' plan would come with all the options. Not that I don't take the occasional small options package, but I want the full meal deal. Sucka fo' luv, sucka fo' luv... everything else, no matter how enjoyable, is just fleeting... I'm sexually frustrated and miss my sexy little blue-eyed boy toy... Sigh...
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
I don't really like my job, but the people I work with are fun. They keep me sane as I struggle through 8 hours each day... Our admin/office person is leaving. She starts maternity leave in two weeks time. We all dread the thought.
Why?!? Damnit! It's hard to find someone who will fit in with the group. We're all fun, easy-going, early 30's or under, like to goof around, send dirty jokes on email and generally socialize and make the day bearable. We work and do our thing, but take regular breaks and chitchat when the bosses aren't hovering. And now, one of us is going away...
Our prayers had been answered, the lord brung down from on high, a mighty saviour whose name was Lisa. Lisa was great. Lisa was our age, had a nice personality, seemed friendly and we all thought she would fit in perfectly. Lisa fit the bill. We had faith that Lisa would integrate into our little group with hardly any effort. Lisa was going to work with us and work would still be fun.
Lisa was picked out of 100 candidates. It took a month. Lisa was going to start working this week. Lisa accepted the job. Then, Lisa was hired elsewhere, because the position here was a term position, and she found a full-time job.
@#%*#%@!!!!
So late last week we received a crapload of resumes from people who want to be Lisa but can't. The worst thing is they all seem like grandmothers. Little old ladies that you see bouncing infants on their knees. Argh!
This won't do, I fear for our sanity. Will we all be doomed to a quiet and cuss-free workplace? For the love of all that is holy, someone save us!!! LISA!!!!!
Argh. Sigh...
Why?!? Damnit! It's hard to find someone who will fit in with the group. We're all fun, easy-going, early 30's or under, like to goof around, send dirty jokes on email and generally socialize and make the day bearable. We work and do our thing, but take regular breaks and chitchat when the bosses aren't hovering. And now, one of us is going away...
Our prayers had been answered, the lord brung down from on high, a mighty saviour whose name was Lisa. Lisa was great. Lisa was our age, had a nice personality, seemed friendly and we all thought she would fit in perfectly. Lisa fit the bill. We had faith that Lisa would integrate into our little group with hardly any effort. Lisa was going to work with us and work would still be fun.
Lisa was picked out of 100 candidates. It took a month. Lisa was going to start working this week. Lisa accepted the job. Then, Lisa was hired elsewhere, because the position here was a term position, and she found a full-time job.
@#%*#%@!!!!
So late last week we received a crapload of resumes from people who want to be Lisa but can't. The worst thing is they all seem like grandmothers. Little old ladies that you see bouncing infants on their knees. Argh!
This won't do, I fear for our sanity. Will we all be doomed to a quiet and cuss-free workplace? For the love of all that is holy, someone save us!!! LISA!!!!!
Argh. Sigh...
Monday, May 27, 2002
Have yet to see Clones. Woe is me.
I awoke to a wonderful thing this weekend. Boredom. I had to find things to do to amuse myself. Of course, that always leads to over-thinking... Joy. Brain go away.
I had plans for Friday and Saturday that went up in smoke, due to events beyond my control. Instead I spent extra time playing ClanLord. It gave me a headache, so I went for a nice long drive in my crappy old car. Driving is my escape...my freedom...my exodus from reality...my way to shut up my mind for a while...I crank the radio and whatever song comes up next, I sing along as loudly as possible without hurting myself...bliss.
I am a musician. Not a great musician, but one born with the talent. Where I grew up, the expression used to describe people born with the talent is, 'Gots da music in dem'. I gots the music in me. It's difficult to describe to someone that doesn't. Most people have natural rhythm and can follow a beat. Most people can hear a song and follow the notes in their head. Beyond the normal ability of the general masses, there are people that not only hear what is being sung but know instinctively what is to come in the music. Beyond the melody, harmony and everything obvious, some people know the music at the core of their being, the way it flows, changes, sounds, moves... it all makes sense. Great mathematicians follow the twisting course of logic through a complicated proof and it makes sense, they are born with that; a comparison of sorts. Mathematics flows, so does music. Some people are born with the talent of music, they can read it like a book. I am one of them.
When I hear music, it makes sense to me. The changes, the movements, the pitch, the tempo... all of it. It's a language of its own. Of all the beautiful things in the world, to me, music is the most wonderful. One experience that haunts me is an evening that I heard a local choir (the most famous in our area, and IMHO the undisputed best in the area) perform 'O Holy Night', a christmas traditional. Nothing has topped that. I can still feel the music inside me, when thinking of that experience, and it was close to 15 years ago. Awe. Power. Strength. Balance. Perfection. Too many things to describe the sense it gives me, even to this day.
I knew one of the choir members very well, he was one of my early mentors, one of my early guides in the musical road I walked in my teen years. He's dead and gone now. Killed by a fool, stabbed and left to die alone. But I'm not bitter. I was left with a feeling of incompleteness after he was gone. There were issues before the time he died, but my training with him was not finished. It ended with his death. His memory haunts me when I hear the song as much as that awesome performance does. And I learned to train myself. 'Now I am the master.' It sounds like something out of Star Wars... So long Obi-Wan, so long Yoda, Luke is on his own. /end tangent.
That choir is large, professional and very old. The church choir my mother directs, is extremely talented and has relative fame in our area for being a small group that doesn't get together very often. The talent runs strong within you Luke. Both parents are in the choir. They and two others have been the core for as long as it has existed. They do 'O Holy Night' in such a way that it brings me to tears. I get weak in the knees, it is so done so well. Very different experiences listening to the two. The first group with the many members and strength in each section comes close to perfection in the harmony they create, whereas the smaller church group blows me away with the raw emotion invoked by listening to the song. Both perform it magically, but produce such a different experience. Like listening to Bing Crosby and then someone else do White Christmas. Two very different experiences.
I got the music in me. The flipside of the musical talent is that discord is like being stabbed by a knife. Someone singing off key is worse than being hit by a pickup truck. It sears to the soul. It's like someone writing a fantastic poem, and then erasing every third word... if you read it, it would be just plain wrong. Every gift has its price... when it comes to music, I think the price we pay is that while we hear the good, we hear the bad just as clearly. Perhaps. Some would argue otherwise, but I've had experiences where I thought my spine would snap listening to something that was so wrong that it hurt. But, all in all, the price is well worth paying...
My fatal flaw is that I lack focus. I can't settle myself down into a groove that fits. I sometimes write music, I sometimes play music, but mostly my talent sits doing nothing except humming along to tunes in my head. Is that wrong?
I grew up hearing that I have a talent that I should share with others. I was never good at that. I found it hard to deal with being dropped in the spotlight. I didn't like to be put front-row-center to display my abilities. I hated being compared to others; friends, family, unknown strangers... who the hell are these people and whether they are fantastic or not, why compare them to me?
I didn't like to share my talent. Why? To me, music was my own and I didn't want to share. An escape into my own little world of blissful ambiguity. I'm still like that. Sort of... I think I am getting closer to just going nuts and letting my music escape. It feels closer every day. The urge to share has been strong for some time, but I feel like bursting lately. An odd sensation... so what do I do about it?
I suppose time will tell.
I awoke to a wonderful thing this weekend. Boredom. I had to find things to do to amuse myself. Of course, that always leads to over-thinking... Joy. Brain go away.
I had plans for Friday and Saturday that went up in smoke, due to events beyond my control. Instead I spent extra time playing ClanLord. It gave me a headache, so I went for a nice long drive in my crappy old car. Driving is my escape...my freedom...my exodus from reality...my way to shut up my mind for a while...I crank the radio and whatever song comes up next, I sing along as loudly as possible without hurting myself...bliss.
I am a musician. Not a great musician, but one born with the talent. Where I grew up, the expression used to describe people born with the talent is, 'Gots da music in dem'. I gots the music in me. It's difficult to describe to someone that doesn't. Most people have natural rhythm and can follow a beat. Most people can hear a song and follow the notes in their head. Beyond the normal ability of the general masses, there are people that not only hear what is being sung but know instinctively what is to come in the music. Beyond the melody, harmony and everything obvious, some people know the music at the core of their being, the way it flows, changes, sounds, moves... it all makes sense. Great mathematicians follow the twisting course of logic through a complicated proof and it makes sense, they are born with that; a comparison of sorts. Mathematics flows, so does music. Some people are born with the talent of music, they can read it like a book. I am one of them.
When I hear music, it makes sense to me. The changes, the movements, the pitch, the tempo... all of it. It's a language of its own. Of all the beautiful things in the world, to me, music is the most wonderful. One experience that haunts me is an evening that I heard a local choir (the most famous in our area, and IMHO the undisputed best in the area) perform 'O Holy Night', a christmas traditional. Nothing has topped that. I can still feel the music inside me, when thinking of that experience, and it was close to 15 years ago. Awe. Power. Strength. Balance. Perfection. Too many things to describe the sense it gives me, even to this day.
I knew one of the choir members very well, he was one of my early mentors, one of my early guides in the musical road I walked in my teen years. He's dead and gone now. Killed by a fool, stabbed and left to die alone. But I'm not bitter. I was left with a feeling of incompleteness after he was gone. There were issues before the time he died, but my training with him was not finished. It ended with his death. His memory haunts me when I hear the song as much as that awesome performance does. And I learned to train myself. 'Now I am the master.' It sounds like something out of Star Wars... So long Obi-Wan, so long Yoda, Luke is on his own. /end tangent.
That choir is large, professional and very old. The church choir my mother directs, is extremely talented and has relative fame in our area for being a small group that doesn't get together very often. The talent runs strong within you Luke. Both parents are in the choir. They and two others have been the core for as long as it has existed. They do 'O Holy Night' in such a way that it brings me to tears. I get weak in the knees, it is so done so well. Very different experiences listening to the two. The first group with the many members and strength in each section comes close to perfection in the harmony they create, whereas the smaller church group blows me away with the raw emotion invoked by listening to the song. Both perform it magically, but produce such a different experience. Like listening to Bing Crosby and then someone else do White Christmas. Two very different experiences.
I got the music in me. The flipside of the musical talent is that discord is like being stabbed by a knife. Someone singing off key is worse than being hit by a pickup truck. It sears to the soul. It's like someone writing a fantastic poem, and then erasing every third word... if you read it, it would be just plain wrong. Every gift has its price... when it comes to music, I think the price we pay is that while we hear the good, we hear the bad just as clearly. Perhaps. Some would argue otherwise, but I've had experiences where I thought my spine would snap listening to something that was so wrong that it hurt. But, all in all, the price is well worth paying...
My fatal flaw is that I lack focus. I can't settle myself down into a groove that fits. I sometimes write music, I sometimes play music, but mostly my talent sits doing nothing except humming along to tunes in my head. Is that wrong?
I grew up hearing that I have a talent that I should share with others. I was never good at that. I found it hard to deal with being dropped in the spotlight. I didn't like to be put front-row-center to display my abilities. I hated being compared to others; friends, family, unknown strangers... who the hell are these people and whether they are fantastic or not, why compare them to me?
I didn't like to share my talent. Why? To me, music was my own and I didn't want to share. An escape into my own little world of blissful ambiguity. I'm still like that. Sort of... I think I am getting closer to just going nuts and letting my music escape. It feels closer every day. The urge to share has been strong for some time, but I feel like bursting lately. An odd sensation... so what do I do about it?
I suppose time will tell.
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
I want to see Star Wars.
Good or bad, it's a movie I want to see. I was supposed to see it last night, and the 'friend' I had made plans with to see it with decided to see it on the weekend, thus last night was a bust, and thus I have yet to see the damn movie. For me it is a wierd thing; I *need* to know what happens next. It's like reading a trilogy... I need to read ALL the books as quickly as I can so I get the whole story ASAP. So it's part of my wierd charm. Goody, yet another thing to advertise.
Good or bad, it's a movie I want to see. I was supposed to see it last night, and the 'friend' I had made plans with to see it with decided to see it on the weekend, thus last night was a bust, and thus I have yet to see the damn movie. For me it is a wierd thing; I *need* to know what happens next. It's like reading a trilogy... I need to read ALL the books as quickly as I can so I get the whole story ASAP. So it's part of my wierd charm. Goody, yet another thing to advertise.
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
I was under the impression that under normal circumstances, the day to day activities that constitute a "job" should in some way, shape, or form make some kind of sense.
I stand corrected.
My only comment on this twist in reality could be summed up as:
"Hail to the king, baby."
- Bruce Campbell as Ashley J. "Ash" Williams in Army of Darkness.
I stand corrected.
My only comment on this twist in reality could be summed up as:
"Hail to the king, baby."
- Bruce Campbell as Ashley J. "Ash" Williams in Army of Darkness.
I have discovered that today is in fact Tuesday. Not Monday.
I debate this, based on the fact that it feels like a Monday. I believe that Monday has encroached on Tuesday's space and has therefore kept me in the dark as to the validity of true Tuesdayness.
So shall Wednesday be Tuesday? Dear god I hope not. I need humpday, otherwise the week goes completely downhill.
But isn't the whole point of humpday the fact that after humpday, the week goes downhill to its inevitable end?
Someone! Anyone! Get me another coffee!?!
Thank you for tuning in to The Psychosis Hour, tune in Tuesday for the next episode...
I debate this, based on the fact that it feels like a Monday. I believe that Monday has encroached on Tuesday's space and has therefore kept me in the dark as to the validity of true Tuesdayness.
So shall Wednesday be Tuesday? Dear god I hope not. I need humpday, otherwise the week goes completely downhill.
But isn't the whole point of humpday the fact that after humpday, the week goes downhill to its inevitable end?
Someone! Anyone! Get me another coffee!?!
Thank you for tuning in to The Psychosis Hour, tune in Tuesday for the next episode...
It's raining men! Hallelujah!
Sigh... it is not. It's just raining. Downpouring to be precise. Monday morning at work usually hurts, so I went out to get coffee. In the 10 feet between the door and my car I was drenched. Joy... I love Mondays...
A slurry of thoughts today, my mind is circling, searching for prey to feed on...
I am most definitely a person that likes rain. Hot, dry, sunny days hurt my head. My favorite time of year is late August when the days cool off, the breeze is warm, not hot, the skies are a bit cloudy and it's generally wonderful to be outside.
I grew up beside the ocean. It runs through me like blood, the ocean does... the sound, the smell, the view... it's a part of my heart, a part of my soul.
I am Air and Water.
If you look at the world from the perspective of four base elements Earth, Air, Fire and Water, relating this to everything you see around you, especially yourself, and personify each element with certain traits, characteristics and states of being, while being open-minded about nature and reality as a whole, you'll most probably be confused. But it is a wonderful state of confusion.
I am Air and Water.
I delight in thunderstorms, the epitome of Air and Water in unison. When I was younger I would climb out my window and sit on the roof to watch thunderstorms cross the harbour. Once, during a particularly long and powerful storm I sat out in the rain for over two hours, dazzled by so many types of lightning I was speechless. Soaking wet, smiling in sheer delight, I followed it for over a mile down the shoreline, watching as it faded away into the horizon.
I close my eyes and I can still feel the rain and wind that day, and recall with wonder the power of Air and Water of which I was witness, of which I was a part of.
I have a faith system I follow. The religion that accompanies it means something to me but not a lot. It depends on my mood. I partake of the usual religious activities for family reasons, but every so often for myself. I generally regard religions in general as silly, a way for humanity to ground a given faith system in the reality of existence. But generalization is a silly thing in itself. I grant that religions have a purpose, if not for me. Some people find meaning and a sense of purpose in their religion. Good enough.
Do I find sense in one god, or one way of looking at reality, or one system of elements to define what I look at as reality? No. Why not all of them? Sounds interesting. I suppose it all depends on my mood.
Sigh... it is not. It's just raining. Downpouring to be precise. Monday morning at work usually hurts, so I went out to get coffee. In the 10 feet between the door and my car I was drenched. Joy... I love Mondays...
A slurry of thoughts today, my mind is circling, searching for prey to feed on...
I am most definitely a person that likes rain. Hot, dry, sunny days hurt my head. My favorite time of year is late August when the days cool off, the breeze is warm, not hot, the skies are a bit cloudy and it's generally wonderful to be outside.
I grew up beside the ocean. It runs through me like blood, the ocean does... the sound, the smell, the view... it's a part of my heart, a part of my soul.
I am Air and Water.
If you look at the world from the perspective of four base elements Earth, Air, Fire and Water, relating this to everything you see around you, especially yourself, and personify each element with certain traits, characteristics and states of being, while being open-minded about nature and reality as a whole, you'll most probably be confused. But it is a wonderful state of confusion.
I am Air and Water.
I delight in thunderstorms, the epitome of Air and Water in unison. When I was younger I would climb out my window and sit on the roof to watch thunderstorms cross the harbour. Once, during a particularly long and powerful storm I sat out in the rain for over two hours, dazzled by so many types of lightning I was speechless. Soaking wet, smiling in sheer delight, I followed it for over a mile down the shoreline, watching as it faded away into the horizon.
I close my eyes and I can still feel the rain and wind that day, and recall with wonder the power of Air and Water of which I was witness, of which I was a part of.
I have a faith system I follow. The religion that accompanies it means something to me but not a lot. It depends on my mood. I partake of the usual religious activities for family reasons, but every so often for myself. I generally regard religions in general as silly, a way for humanity to ground a given faith system in the reality of existence. But generalization is a silly thing in itself. I grant that religions have a purpose, if not for me. Some people find meaning and a sense of purpose in their religion. Good enough.
Do I find sense in one god, or one way of looking at reality, or one system of elements to define what I look at as reality? No. Why not all of them? Sounds interesting. I suppose it all depends on my mood.
Thursday, May 09, 2002
Untitled
I woke to see you standing there,
Bright like the rising autumn moon,
Simple beauty shining down on me,
You rose above on angel's wings.
This temple built, by mine own hand,
Is bathed in soft white light,
Your heart, your soul, your beautiful face,
Are etched on its sky-blue walls,
And I walk its halls,
Embracing memories, building dreams,
Swimming in faith and love.
circa '95
My memories of waking after an operation... she was the first thing I saw. The picture is as clear in my mind today as it was seven years ago.
I woke to see you standing there,
Bright like the rising autumn moon,
Simple beauty shining down on me,
You rose above on angel's wings.
This temple built, by mine own hand,
Is bathed in soft white light,
Your heart, your soul, your beautiful face,
Are etched on its sky-blue walls,
And I walk its halls,
Embracing memories, building dreams,
Swimming in faith and love.
circa '95
My memories of waking after an operation... she was the first thing I saw. The picture is as clear in my mind today as it was seven years ago.
She called. It went well.
He hasn't called, I'm disappointed.
Talking to an ex while you're not in the best state of mind because of your current love interest can make life a bit uncomfortable. But, I'm at the point now that I've sortof accepted that he isn't going to call, so I'm shit outta luck. And that's that. I could call him, but is that really the best thing? If he's not interested, then I think I should let things be and get on with other stuff. Always thinking that, if things were that easy, life would be boring.
It was uplifting to speak with my ex, she was glad to speak to me and I felt the same way. We didn't mesh well at times, and had a rough time living together, but beyond all that we had bonded at the deepest level, that soulmate type thing... and so whatever my feelings and wariness, I still care for her and like it or not, wonder how she is. But that dagger in the heart feeling of dread has become synonymous with her... I never know what to expect, so I generally expect the worst and wait to be proven wrong.
So out of character for me, I'm always such an optimist... but there's the widget that makes life interesting for me... no simple truths work for me, I have to sit on the fence because I have a foot planted firmly on both sides of it.
She will be home for a month. And she will be visiting the city of my habitat.
She mentioned it in her first email. I avoided it completely.
She brought it up on the phone, I dodged the issue with grace and skill.
She asked flat out in her last email... I haven't responded yet...
"Maybe we can get together for coffee or something..?"
Take the Dagger of Dread and twist it 180 degrees around in my chest, if you please...?!?
I *so* want to and *so* do no want to... But I'm 99% sure I'll say yes and I'm 99% sure I'll enjoy seeing her and being in her company... But afterwards, am I just going to be miserable? Probably... It's a path I've walked before and I know it all to well.
He hasn't called, I'm disappointed.
Talking to an ex while you're not in the best state of mind because of your current love interest can make life a bit uncomfortable. But, I'm at the point now that I've sortof accepted that he isn't going to call, so I'm shit outta luck. And that's that. I could call him, but is that really the best thing? If he's not interested, then I think I should let things be and get on with other stuff. Always thinking that, if things were that easy, life would be boring.
It was uplifting to speak with my ex, she was glad to speak to me and I felt the same way. We didn't mesh well at times, and had a rough time living together, but beyond all that we had bonded at the deepest level, that soulmate type thing... and so whatever my feelings and wariness, I still care for her and like it or not, wonder how she is. But that dagger in the heart feeling of dread has become synonymous with her... I never know what to expect, so I generally expect the worst and wait to be proven wrong.
So out of character for me, I'm always such an optimist... but there's the widget that makes life interesting for me... no simple truths work for me, I have to sit on the fence because I have a foot planted firmly on both sides of it.
She will be home for a month. And she will be visiting the city of my habitat.
She mentioned it in her first email. I avoided it completely.
She brought it up on the phone, I dodged the issue with grace and skill.
She asked flat out in her last email... I haven't responded yet...
"Maybe we can get together for coffee or something..?"
Take the Dagger of Dread and twist it 180 degrees around in my chest, if you please...?!?
I *so* want to and *so* do no want to... But I'm 99% sure I'll say yes and I'm 99% sure I'll enjoy seeing her and being in her company... But afterwards, am I just going to be miserable? Probably... It's a path I've walked before and I know it all to well.
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Some updates...
Found solution for printer problems; have come to the realization that printers suck, but are a necessary evil in the world; wish I had a real printer, but can't see the boss agreeing with me;
Found solution for ex problem; scream and pull hair out; *smile*
Actually that problem was less of a problem than anticipated. She simply wanted to know how I was and wrote me back an email to let me know how life is with her. I'll write her back with a quick update on my life, with no details, sometime soon. That horrid feeling of dread has become synonymous with her in the past few years... as horrid as it may sound, I lack any trust in her. Everything in me goes into defense mode whenever I deal with her... Good thing we ended things amicably. :P
Another thing she told me was she will be home for a month. Granted, home for her is 5 hours from my habitat, but it's not quite as comfortable as having her on the other side of the country... I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really want to see her at all, but there's always that feeling of "just be her friend dumbass, she won't hurt you" that lingers and bugs me. Attachment issues, god they suck.
If I could let go, then maybe I wouldn't care whether I saw her or not. Alas, that's not going to happen. Through all we were through, I still have feelings (of the good sort *grin*) for her, I just know I can never and SHOULD NEVER and WILL NEVER act on them. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt, walked that road etc... the only good thing about that horrible dread feeling, is that it sortof nullifies these lingering feelings and makes sure I don't act on my attachment issues that concern her.
A total loop, yes and no, mixed feelings, uncertainty, the need to scream... I guess lots of people go through this, but it seems to happen to me way too much...
enigmatic paradox, my happy little confused life...
Found solution for printer problems; have come to the realization that printers suck, but are a necessary evil in the world; wish I had a real printer, but can't see the boss agreeing with me;
Found solution for ex problem; scream and pull hair out; *smile*
Actually that problem was less of a problem than anticipated. She simply wanted to know how I was and wrote me back an email to let me know how life is with her. I'll write her back with a quick update on my life, with no details, sometime soon. That horrid feeling of dread has become synonymous with her in the past few years... as horrid as it may sound, I lack any trust in her. Everything in me goes into defense mode whenever I deal with her... Good thing we ended things amicably. :P
Another thing she told me was she will be home for a month. Granted, home for her is 5 hours from my habitat, but it's not quite as comfortable as having her on the other side of the country... I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really want to see her at all, but there's always that feeling of "just be her friend dumbass, she won't hurt you" that lingers and bugs me. Attachment issues, god they suck.
If I could let go, then maybe I wouldn't care whether I saw her or not. Alas, that's not going to happen. Through all we were through, I still have feelings (of the good sort *grin*) for her, I just know I can never and SHOULD NEVER and WILL NEVER act on them. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt, walked that road etc... the only good thing about that horrible dread feeling, is that it sortof nullifies these lingering feelings and makes sure I don't act on my attachment issues that concern her.
A total loop, yes and no, mixed feelings, uncertainty, the need to scream... I guess lots of people go through this, but it seems to happen to me way too much...
enigmatic paradox, my happy little confused life...
Monday, May 06, 2002
Dread is still present, but has been dulled by a silent rage building up inside...
.
.
.
.
over a *%$@& printer!!!
Is there anything worse than a "Professional Model" printer that breaks down *just* as you need to print that crucial something or other?!? Especially when you need it printed 5 minutes ago! Grrrrr......!!!!!
Could today be *ANY* more stressful?!?
.
.
.
.
over a *%$@& printer!!!
Is there anything worse than a "Professional Model" printer that breaks down *just* as you need to print that crucial something or other?!? Especially when you need it printed 5 minutes ago! Grrrrr......!!!!!
Could today be *ANY* more stressful?!?
Ever have your chest clench up with an overwhelming sense of dread?
(It's similar to the sensation you get when you know you're about to be hit by something that is really really *really* going to hurt.)
I've had that all morning.
An ex called my parents last week and asked for my phone number. An ex I was with for nearly five years. An ex I haven't spoken to in 2 years.
Ignoring five years of details, after insanity that I can only compare to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, we ended our relationship and went our separate ways. After 6 months we sorted some of the mess out, said our sorrys and things ended on a more-or-less friendly note. Some people describe this as, "it ended amicably." I hate that expression.
Mom told me last week that she had called and taken my number. No big deal, if she called I'd chat with her and see what was happening... It was fine. It was really unexpected and out of the blue, but it only affected me in a minor way. And she didn't call, so life went on as usual.
This morning I found out I had given my mom the wrong phone number. (I got a new one a few weeks ago). And so it's a whole new situation, because now the ball is in my court. Do I contact her or not? Do I step on this road to contact her? That means that *I* am the one making an attempt to communicate. Is this going to lead me down a path to disaster? Dread.
She has called... the last thing I said to her was that she could give me a call when I moved home in a few years (two years ago) and we could grab a coffee or something. Is that all this is? I have moved home, is she just calling to say hello? She's on the opposite side of the country, so coffee is out of the question... So I'm left wondering, what's the deal here?
I opted to make an attempt at contact. I sent her a email saying Hi and gave her my number (the correct one), but it screwed my mind up a bit. Why? Because I was the one who finally said enough is enough, and stopped any communication. None, at all, for any reason... and now I am going against that.
So what happens now? All I can do is sit back and wait.
Dread.
(It's similar to the sensation you get when you know you're about to be hit by something that is really really *really* going to hurt.)
I've had that all morning.
An ex called my parents last week and asked for my phone number. An ex I was with for nearly five years. An ex I haven't spoken to in 2 years.
Ignoring five years of details, after insanity that I can only compare to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, we ended our relationship and went our separate ways. After 6 months we sorted some of the mess out, said our sorrys and things ended on a more-or-less friendly note. Some people describe this as, "it ended amicably." I hate that expression.
Mom told me last week that she had called and taken my number. No big deal, if she called I'd chat with her and see what was happening... It was fine. It was really unexpected and out of the blue, but it only affected me in a minor way. And she didn't call, so life went on as usual.
This morning I found out I had given my mom the wrong phone number. (I got a new one a few weeks ago). And so it's a whole new situation, because now the ball is in my court. Do I contact her or not? Do I step on this road to contact her? That means that *I* am the one making an attempt to communicate. Is this going to lead me down a path to disaster? Dread.
She has called... the last thing I said to her was that she could give me a call when I moved home in a few years (two years ago) and we could grab a coffee or something. Is that all this is? I have moved home, is she just calling to say hello? She's on the opposite side of the country, so coffee is out of the question... So I'm left wondering, what's the deal here?
I opted to make an attempt at contact. I sent her a email saying Hi and gave her my number (the correct one), but it screwed my mind up a bit. Why? Because I was the one who finally said enough is enough, and stopped any communication. None, at all, for any reason... and now I am going against that.
So what happens now? All I can do is sit back and wait.
Dread.
So I haven't heard from my (not so) current love interest in a while... He was supposed to call... Well I broke down and wrote him a letter today, and sent it on email, (because mailing a letter to someone in the same city is *SO* not my style) ... It was short and to the point and just more or less asked why?!? Why haven't you called? At least that's all I wanted it to say, and then I went on a tangent and ended up saying exactly how I felt about him in 10 sentences or less. It was all good stuff (he's a hottie and *SO* cuddly that I'd love to just wrap around him and snuggle with him for a week... sigh...) but i worry that it may be saying too much, we haven't really talked about stuff like deeper feelings... He may have none...But, I'm already attached (I told him this in the letter!!) and I miss him.
It's cold in TheDungeon™ tonite. I've named my room in this basement TheDungeon™. It fits. It is damp and cold and has a few devices of pain. (Nothing fun and kinky, I'm not usually into S&M, well most of the time I'm not... another tangent for another time...) Bascially, my devices of pain are those few pairs of jeans from highschool that I refuse to let go of, and if I ever dared to try on would require: 1. a doctor to remove them surgically and 2. the replacement of both testicles after they shot out my ears...)
So yes, I'm in TheDungeon™, freezing my tush off and wishing I could snuggle up with cute little man thing that hasn't called. I want to hop in my car and drive back to my folks house, where it's warm, cozy and there's tons of leftovers.
It's cold in TheDungeon™ tonite. I've named my room in this basement TheDungeon™. It fits. It is damp and cold and has a few devices of pain. (Nothing fun and kinky, I'm not usually into S&M, well most of the time I'm not... another tangent for another time...) Bascially, my devices of pain are those few pairs of jeans from highschool that I refuse to let go of, and if I ever dared to try on would require: 1. a doctor to remove them surgically and 2. the replacement of both testicles after they shot out my ears...)
So yes, I'm in TheDungeon™, freezing my tush off and wishing I could snuggle up with cute little man thing that hasn't called. I want to hop in my car and drive back to my folks house, where it's warm, cozy and there's tons of leftovers.
Sunday, May 05, 2002
Rain, rain, go away...
I spent the weekend visiting the folks. Relaxing and peaceful. Most friends can't deal with their parents and/or family, I fit in well with mine. Few issues, but they are mostly all on my side of things, and I never bring them up, so all is peaceful in la la land...
Watched a queer movie tonite, it had all the plot of a $5 B movie. Sad, but many movies with a queer plot are as worthwhile watching as cheap porn. Story equals nil... Not that I mind porn, but if you're in the mood for something with substance, it don't cut it.
So I sit here watching The Crow and thinking dark thoughts... it's hard not to while watching this movie. And earlier I watched The Sixth Sense. My mind feels like going on a tangent, but I'm overtired and dreading the drive back to my habitat tomorrow. This is home, no where else will ever be, just places I hang my hat for a while...
I spent the weekend visiting the folks. Relaxing and peaceful. Most friends can't deal with their parents and/or family, I fit in well with mine. Few issues, but they are mostly all on my side of things, and I never bring them up, so all is peaceful in la la land...
Watched a queer movie tonite, it had all the plot of a $5 B movie. Sad, but many movies with a queer plot are as worthwhile watching as cheap porn. Story equals nil... Not that I mind porn, but if you're in the mood for something with substance, it don't cut it.
So I sit here watching The Crow and thinking dark thoughts... it's hard not to while watching this movie. And earlier I watched The Sixth Sense. My mind feels like going on a tangent, but I'm overtired and dreading the drive back to my habitat tomorrow. This is home, no where else will ever be, just places I hang my hat for a while...
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