my own superhighway

I decided being stuck in the rotary was no good and took an off ramp onto my own personal superhighway. I feel good. Sorta. Maybe.

I applied to a company in my hometown for employment. Move home. I made a decision, to make the attempt. I think I regret it already, but now I know that I can try. I'm so fed up with being rudderless that I have to do something, and I think that if they would hire me, then I would at least have a place to start. The antithesis of it all is that the job I applied for is another step down the ladder, I'm overqualified and I'd take another pay cut. But it would be home, where my heart is, so I can live with that. This step is a bandaid; if I am staying here, if they choose not to hire me, then I have to look for a new apartment, look for a new job, look for a new lover, look for a life here in this city, something I have been avoiding for the past few months. I have been unable to figure out what I want, so starting to build a life here has been impossible. I know that it sounds silly, but I decided to try going home because of a nice guy that never called. Not really him, it's just the whole thing affected me to much, so I know that I'm not stable, I know I'm too shaky, it's not something I'm used to feeling, and the combination of insecurity and lostness has forced me to make a move, whatever that is going to be. Money problems are looming, I'm paying out more than I take in, even if I budget myself well, and my years of college spending and carefree credit card carousing are coming back to bite me in the ass. The plan. I want the plan to work, five years and get rid of this debt. But can I live, not living, for five years. Not a chance. Plan or no plan, money or no money, pretending to live won't work. I do things, whether it costs me an arm and a leg financially, I just do things. Money sucks. Being financially irresponsible sucks worse. So here I sit, at work, where I don't really want to be, looking for work, where I think I want to be, but not sure, trying to think about where I should live, and if I do stay here how I can afford it, working at a new job that I can't find as of yet, trying to live. Hmm. Xbah!

Our lotto pool won 2,200 dollars last week. We each got $240 and change. It was sweet. It went so fast I hardly knew I had it. And I planned on paying bills with it to catch me up with anything overdue... instead I bought shirts. And a tanning package upgrade. And other junk. And I would have bought and $80 jacket and $40 bathrobe too, but my common sense kicked in finally. The little shopping trip was fun, I needed that, but damn, does that make any sense? I think I may just be a bit depressed. Odd for me, but the mood is definitely not on the upper side of things lately. Luckily it's been balanced by some good times with friends and family. But where do we go from here?