I was raised Catholic, and even though I'm wacked out and have many beliefs about reality and existence, in my own fucked up way I still believe in the faith and go to church a lot.
That said, I found this CNN story hilarious and I'm sad the poor fellas have been suspended. C'mon NY, let em have some fun! *wink*
* Radio humour on any level, outrageous and coarse, or not, gets a full thumbs up from me... and I'm all for the "If you don't like what you hear, change the channel!" policy promoted by many wacky free-speech enthusiasts.
Friday, August 23, 2002
Sometimes playing online games is great entertainment. Other times, the reality that it's real people behind each of the characters you interact with gets a bit ... scary?
I like my online gaming friends, but sometimes I worry about a few of them... that's not so fun, because aside from email or e-chat, there's not a damn thing I can do for them.
Bummer. I am not a person that likes being unable to act. It's not fun.
I like my online gaming friends, but sometimes I worry about a few of them... that's not so fun, because aside from email or e-chat, there's not a damn thing I can do for them.
Bummer. I am not a person that likes being unable to act. It's not fun.
'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry'
A good friend of mine emailed me about an experience with one of her roommates.
I know him myself and I shudder at the thought... large floppy beachball comes to mind... oy...
I vow that for the rest of my life, she will hear as often as I can possibly bring it up tastefully, 'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry'.
Life is good! *smile*
A good friend of mine emailed me about an experience with one of her roommates.
It was horrible... and soooo awkward... ugh...
He came in from work, I was making stirfry. He jumped in the shower and I was in the kitchen. About 10 mins later I walked up the hallway to see if he wanted some (food!!!!) and the first bathroom door is open, so is the divider to the second bathroom and there he was, naked, and all I could say was 'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry' It's all better now, it was awkward that night ... I've successfully managed to burn the picture from my mind....4ever??
I know him myself and I shudder at the thought... large floppy beachball comes to mind... oy...
I vow that for the rest of my life, she will hear as often as I can possibly bring it up tastefully, 'I just wanted to see if you wanted some stirfry'.
Life is good! *smile*
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
webs of passion
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
- Sir Walter Scott
I've considered myself bi since I was in my mid teens. I recall my first year in junior high school, grade seven, having little interest in girlfriends or girls in general, except as friends. Of course later that year that all changed. Along with a hormonal rush and the general confusion of the onset of puberty, came the desire for sex and a strong attraction to girls.. and to guys.
Junior high school was a time of confusion for me, just as it is for most people. Along with the regular inner and outer struggles that most north american teens face, I had to examine and define my sexuality. It was confusing and a bit tedious dealing with the whole situation of being physically and emotionally attracted to both guys and girls. Over the course of three or four years, dating girls and guys, experimenting sexually with 'same-sex' partners and 'the-opposite-sex' partners, looking at the life of hetros and homos, listening to my heart and listening to myself, I came to understand my sexual identity.
I grew up in a small, coal-mining town, where 'being openly gay' was not something that really happened. Honestly, to this day, I can not imagine myself walking through that town and letting everyone know I'm queer. I certainly didn't while I was in highschool. When I first realized that I was attracted to guys, it was a bit scary. One big part of my struggle was trying to figure out if I was homosexual? Bisexuality is not something that was discussed in my junior high health classes. Homosexuality was discussed, for however brief a moment, so at least I had somewhere to start. I struggled with the question of homosexuality. I recall the struggle of finding a way to define myself, and it can be summed up with the simple question, just what in all hells am I?
Am I just gay? I'm attracted to guys, I think? I'm attracted to girls, I think? Yeah I'm attracted to both, but what the fuck? No. Maybe I'm gay and just think I like girls, maybe to fit the norm, be 'normal' in this town? I must be gay, maybe? No. I like girls, I like looking at them, being with them, I'm attracted to them. Maybe I'm straight and just think I like guys? Yeah, I don't like guys in that way. No wait, yes I do. What the *#$@??!?
My thought patterns for a while were just that. At one point, for almost a year, I had decided I was gay and was trying to figure out how to deal with it. After all was said and done, I figured out I liked penis and I liked vagina. More to the point, I found that gender wasn't really what I was attracted to. Sure, I liked looking at nudey pics of guys and girls, I appreciated sexy male and female films stars, walking across the screen flaunting their perfectly toned bodies, I loved walking the beaches seeing the guys and girls half naked frolicking in the summer heat... guys and girls were both attractive, alluring, and for lack of a better term, got me hard. But I found myself really attracted to eyes and to the soul, no matter what the gender was. I came to realize my bisexuality and came to understand my sexual identity.
People often ask if I prefer guys or girls. I answer honestly, that I have no preference. I'm happy with a person I am attracted to, regardless what package they come in. I'd be lying to say I don't find myself physically attracted to certain people and that is often a basis for the decision to get to know them or not, in a 'hope-of-a-possible-spark-to-make-a-relationship' sort of way. I think my wild outlook on life and the universe comes into play. Bisexuality fits my views on existence. I believe in balance above all things. A universe encompassing all, tempered by balance. In the same way, my sexuality includes all. The balance of my sexual life being unlimited by gender, but limited by my choices. I find myself really attracted to very few people. Physical attraction is easy, as most people know. I find lots of people physically attractive. To fewer people on an higher level that would include those I would like to be physical with. But beyond that there aren't many that I am attracted to on a level that brings physical, mental, and emotional attraction together. I guess it makes me appreciate those I am attracted to on all these levels just a little bit more.
Damn, that sounds so confusing. More simply, I see lots of people and say "Yum! Now that's a hottie!", I see some that get "Damn! You're downright gorgeous and I'd drop to my knees and bow down before you!" but I find few that get "You! You I will consider giving the rest of my life to, so that we could be together and one." Hopeless romantic? Definitely. Finding someone that fits that last statement? Priceless. Talking in circles? Typical me. *smile*
I hate the term closeted, but it is the generally accepted term in our current society. I do not consider myself closeted, and I never have. Even as a young man I had a strong sense of self, I was independent moreso than other people my age, and I was comfortable making my own decisions. As a teen I never made it public that I was bi. The only people that knew were the guys I dated or fooled around with. Highschool in my hometown was not a place I wanted to 'out' myself, and I had no desire to. I have never defined my life by my sexuality. Being bisexual has always been a part of who I am, but only a part. My decision to never make a 'public outing' had many reasons; where I lived and grew up; how my family would react; how my friends would react; etc, etc... but the main reason was that I am a very private person. I share things with people on an extremely limited basis, so 'outing' myself has never been important to me, has never been something I've worried about or struggled with. I tell people when I want to and if I want to, the rest of the world be damned! I have never considered myself closeted or such, because I am who I am, I have self-confidence and I share what I will, with whoever I please. I have told a few of the younger members of my family, though my parents and brother remain in the dark. The time will come, I'm in no hurry to tell them. In a recent discussion, I was confronted about this, not telling my family; I simply said that I am happy with who I am, they are happy with who I am, and when the time is right I may or may not tell them. If I was to fall head over heels for a guy and we planned on being together, I would have no trouble telling them, I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man. Time will tell, and so will I. I know that it may shock them a bit, but probably not too much, I'm not exactly a macho man! *grin* But I have no fear of not being accepted for who I am. I always have been accepted, and always will be. I know a few relatives will balk at the 'queer boi, but most of our family is accepting of the differences in us all. I lucked out, I got the good ones in life, and I feel sad to think of all those that make known their sexuality to friends and family and get shot down and isolated from those they love... over something as trivial as the gender one is attracted to.
What brought on this discourse? I just had a visit from 'ex girlfriend A'. I never told her I was bi. It bothers me. At the time of our relationship I was telling friends and letting people know I was bi; until that point, they hadn't known, though some guessed. [I had been in a relationship for five years before the one with 'ex girlfriend A', and I hadn't told that girl either. It bothered me then too. I have told her since, she wasn't very shocked. But I have never told ex girlfriend A.]
When I left highschool and went to university, I found a new world of acceptance and freedom. Unfortunately, I started seeing a girl in my first year there and because of silly circumstances, I never told her I was bi. Five years later, I still hadn't. As well, I hadn't told my friends or coworkers or costudents etc... because I felt that since I hadn't told the girl I was dating, I should keep my mouth shut. Honesty is the best policy but I was happy (sortof) with this girl and didn't want to mess things up. So it was years later that I finally found myself out of that relationship and able to let my friends know the real truth about me. Not that they were shocked, actually, I don't think anyone I've ever told has been shocked. Perhaps I'm more of a girly-boi than I think. *grin*
All in all, I reasoned long ago that any relationship I enter will be with the other party knowing full well that I'm bi. If he or she is comfortable with that, great! If not, well, nice to meet ya, cya round! I am who I am, I'm happy being who I am, I want anyone that is going to be with me to know who I am, otherwise, the relationship isn't worth squat to me.
But I have yet to tell ex girlfriend A. But I've resolved to do so. And it feels good. I would have long ago, except she related a story to me not long after we started seeing one another. An ex boyfriend of hers had 'gone gay' after they broke up. It had messed her up a bit and at that time, I didn't want to drop my bisexuality on her.
She had a great visit here and we enjoyed a few days together. So, I wanted to wait until her vacation was over and done, as I don't really know how she will react, and it would be rotten to bother her on her trip. In the next week or so I'll write her and tell her about me. All of me. *smile*
It's time to clear away that tangled cobweb.
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
- Sir Walter Scott
I've considered myself bi since I was in my mid teens. I recall my first year in junior high school, grade seven, having little interest in girlfriends or girls in general, except as friends. Of course later that year that all changed. Along with a hormonal rush and the general confusion of the onset of puberty, came the desire for sex and a strong attraction to girls.. and to guys.
Junior high school was a time of confusion for me, just as it is for most people. Along with the regular inner and outer struggles that most north american teens face, I had to examine and define my sexuality. It was confusing and a bit tedious dealing with the whole situation of being physically and emotionally attracted to both guys and girls. Over the course of three or four years, dating girls and guys, experimenting sexually with 'same-sex' partners and 'the-opposite-sex' partners, looking at the life of hetros and homos, listening to my heart and listening to myself, I came to understand my sexual identity.
I grew up in a small, coal-mining town, where 'being openly gay' was not something that really happened. Honestly, to this day, I can not imagine myself walking through that town and letting everyone know I'm queer. I certainly didn't while I was in highschool. When I first realized that I was attracted to guys, it was a bit scary. One big part of my struggle was trying to figure out if I was homosexual? Bisexuality is not something that was discussed in my junior high health classes. Homosexuality was discussed, for however brief a moment, so at least I had somewhere to start. I struggled with the question of homosexuality. I recall the struggle of finding a way to define myself, and it can be summed up with the simple question, just what in all hells am I?
Am I just gay? I'm attracted to guys, I think? I'm attracted to girls, I think? Yeah I'm attracted to both, but what the fuck? No. Maybe I'm gay and just think I like girls, maybe to fit the norm, be 'normal' in this town? I must be gay, maybe? No. I like girls, I like looking at them, being with them, I'm attracted to them. Maybe I'm straight and just think I like guys? Yeah, I don't like guys in that way. No wait, yes I do. What the *#$@??!?
My thought patterns for a while were just that. At one point, for almost a year, I had decided I was gay and was trying to figure out how to deal with it. After all was said and done, I figured out I liked penis and I liked vagina. More to the point, I found that gender wasn't really what I was attracted to. Sure, I liked looking at nudey pics of guys and girls, I appreciated sexy male and female films stars, walking across the screen flaunting their perfectly toned bodies, I loved walking the beaches seeing the guys and girls half naked frolicking in the summer heat... guys and girls were both attractive, alluring, and for lack of a better term, got me hard. But I found myself really attracted to eyes and to the soul, no matter what the gender was. I came to realize my bisexuality and came to understand my sexual identity.
People often ask if I prefer guys or girls. I answer honestly, that I have no preference. I'm happy with a person I am attracted to, regardless what package they come in. I'd be lying to say I don't find myself physically attracted to certain people and that is often a basis for the decision to get to know them or not, in a 'hope-of-a-possible-spark-to-make-a-relationship' sort of way. I think my wild outlook on life and the universe comes into play. Bisexuality fits my views on existence. I believe in balance above all things. A universe encompassing all, tempered by balance. In the same way, my sexuality includes all. The balance of my sexual life being unlimited by gender, but limited by my choices. I find myself really attracted to very few people. Physical attraction is easy, as most people know. I find lots of people physically attractive. To fewer people on an higher level that would include those I would like to be physical with. But beyond that there aren't many that I am attracted to on a level that brings physical, mental, and emotional attraction together. I guess it makes me appreciate those I am attracted to on all these levels just a little bit more.
Damn, that sounds so confusing. More simply, I see lots of people and say "Yum! Now that's a hottie!", I see some that get "Damn! You're downright gorgeous and I'd drop to my knees and bow down before you!" but I find few that get "You! You I will consider giving the rest of my life to, so that we could be together and one." Hopeless romantic? Definitely. Finding someone that fits that last statement? Priceless. Talking in circles? Typical me. *smile*
I hate the term closeted, but it is the generally accepted term in our current society. I do not consider myself closeted, and I never have. Even as a young man I had a strong sense of self, I was independent moreso than other people my age, and I was comfortable making my own decisions. As a teen I never made it public that I was bi. The only people that knew were the guys I dated or fooled around with. Highschool in my hometown was not a place I wanted to 'out' myself, and I had no desire to. I have never defined my life by my sexuality. Being bisexual has always been a part of who I am, but only a part. My decision to never make a 'public outing' had many reasons; where I lived and grew up; how my family would react; how my friends would react; etc, etc... but the main reason was that I am a very private person. I share things with people on an extremely limited basis, so 'outing' myself has never been important to me, has never been something I've worried about or struggled with. I tell people when I want to and if I want to, the rest of the world be damned! I have never considered myself closeted or such, because I am who I am, I have self-confidence and I share what I will, with whoever I please. I have told a few of the younger members of my family, though my parents and brother remain in the dark. The time will come, I'm in no hurry to tell them. In a recent discussion, I was confronted about this, not telling my family; I simply said that I am happy with who I am, they are happy with who I am, and when the time is right I may or may not tell them. If I was to fall head over heels for a guy and we planned on being together, I would have no trouble telling them, I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man. Time will tell, and so will I. I know that it may shock them a bit, but probably not too much, I'm not exactly a macho man! *grin* But I have no fear of not being accepted for who I am. I always have been accepted, and always will be. I know a few relatives will balk at the 'queer boi, but most of our family is accepting of the differences in us all. I lucked out, I got the good ones in life, and I feel sad to think of all those that make known their sexuality to friends and family and get shot down and isolated from those they love... over something as trivial as the gender one is attracted to.
What brought on this discourse? I just had a visit from 'ex girlfriend A'. I never told her I was bi. It bothers me. At the time of our relationship I was telling friends and letting people know I was bi; until that point, they hadn't known, though some guessed. [I had been in a relationship for five years before the one with 'ex girlfriend A', and I hadn't told that girl either. It bothered me then too. I have told her since, she wasn't very shocked. But I have never told ex girlfriend A.]
When I left highschool and went to university, I found a new world of acceptance and freedom. Unfortunately, I started seeing a girl in my first year there and because of silly circumstances, I never told her I was bi. Five years later, I still hadn't. As well, I hadn't told my friends or coworkers or costudents etc... because I felt that since I hadn't told the girl I was dating, I should keep my mouth shut. Honesty is the best policy but I was happy (sortof) with this girl and didn't want to mess things up. So it was years later that I finally found myself out of that relationship and able to let my friends know the real truth about me. Not that they were shocked, actually, I don't think anyone I've ever told has been shocked. Perhaps I'm more of a girly-boi than I think. *grin*
All in all, I reasoned long ago that any relationship I enter will be with the other party knowing full well that I'm bi. If he or she is comfortable with that, great! If not, well, nice to meet ya, cya round! I am who I am, I'm happy being who I am, I want anyone that is going to be with me to know who I am, otherwise, the relationship isn't worth squat to me.
But I have yet to tell ex girlfriend A. But I've resolved to do so. And it feels good. I would have long ago, except she related a story to me not long after we started seeing one another. An ex boyfriend of hers had 'gone gay' after they broke up. It had messed her up a bit and at that time, I didn't want to drop my bisexuality on her.
She had a great visit here and we enjoyed a few days together. So, I wanted to wait until her vacation was over and done, as I don't really know how she will react, and it would be rotten to bother her on her trip. In the next week or so I'll write her and tell her about me. All of me. *smile*
It's time to clear away that tangled cobweb.
resolution
It is done.
Crunch time came and went, and I am happy with my decision. I am going to finish my degree. I'll move home to live with the folks for a while, and work days, so I can take classes in the evenings. One course per term, I don't want to get swamped with employment work and college work. And easier for me to pay up front for each course. No more fucking student loans. Woohoo!
So yet again, I pick up my life and move to go somewhere else and do something else. But for the first time in the past five years, the final destination is home. It feels really good. I gave my two weeks at work and now I have to start looking for new employment at home. Luckily the internet is the mecca of job seekers now, so I can do 90% of my job search online. I suppose that *some* will have to be pounding the pavement, but it's the 21st century now. eApply sounds so much better! 8-)
September 6th will be my last day working here. Whee! I pack up and leave anytime after that. Actually I may pack up and leave before that. Rather than pay more rent I think I'll see if I can crash at my uncle's place for a week. He has been more than welcoming all along, and it's a nice place to be at this time of year. Good friends, good food, good pool in the backyard to beat of the late summer heat...
So after 5 years I return to my post-secondary stomping grounds... An odd feeling I get thinking about that, as I didn't leave as a happy camper, and I didn't leave on the best of terms with a few people... I guess it will be interesting, if nothing else. In the bigger picture, I enjoyed most of my time there and since I will be returning only as a part-time student, I won't be there often anyway.
I'm excited! I don't know what will happen in the coming months, but I'm looking forward to whatever it will be. 8-)
It is done.
Crunch time came and went, and I am happy with my decision. I am going to finish my degree. I'll move home to live with the folks for a while, and work days, so I can take classes in the evenings. One course per term, I don't want to get swamped with employment work and college work. And easier for me to pay up front for each course. No more fucking student loans. Woohoo!
So yet again, I pick up my life and move to go somewhere else and do something else. But for the first time in the past five years, the final destination is home. It feels really good. I gave my two weeks at work and now I have to start looking for new employment at home. Luckily the internet is the mecca of job seekers now, so I can do 90% of my job search online. I suppose that *some* will have to be pounding the pavement, but it's the 21st century now. eApply sounds so much better! 8-)
September 6th will be my last day working here. Whee! I pack up and leave anytime after that. Actually I may pack up and leave before that. Rather than pay more rent I think I'll see if I can crash at my uncle's place for a week. He has been more than welcoming all along, and it's a nice place to be at this time of year. Good friends, good food, good pool in the backyard to beat of the late summer heat...
So after 5 years I return to my post-secondary stomping grounds... An odd feeling I get thinking about that, as I didn't leave as a happy camper, and I didn't leave on the best of terms with a few people... I guess it will be interesting, if nothing else. In the bigger picture, I enjoyed most of my time there and since I will be returning only as a part-time student, I won't be there often anyway.
I'm excited! I don't know what will happen in the coming months, but I'm looking forward to whatever it will be. 8-)
Monday, August 12, 2002
falling to an enchantress
I fall for her, she is a kindred spirit, so different but the same
A one sided illusionary enchantment unnoticed
I fall for her, an imaginary but such a real part of life
A part of my life and a part of my other life
I fall for her, in a reality that is as false as a lie
A reality so alive to me, that it hurts to not live it
I fall for her, and I don't know why, it's just an illusion?
An illusion made real, a reality based on reality
I fall for her, I know her in a strange way that is real
A way of life seen from afar, the tears, the sorrow
I fall for her, maybe again and again, imagination is key
A word and nothing more, a facade, a farce, a fallacy
I fall for her, spirit of the woods, faery of my eyes
A girl just like any other, troubled and sad
I fall for her, a smile a curse, a soul I want to console
Another attempt by my soul to clutch the unattainable
The moon cries and it breaks my heart to hear
All my love dear one, though you will never know
I fall for her, she is a kindred spirit, so different but the same
A one sided illusionary enchantment unnoticed
I fall for her, an imaginary but such a real part of life
A part of my life and a part of my other life
I fall for her, in a reality that is as false as a lie
A reality so alive to me, that it hurts to not live it
I fall for her, and I don't know why, it's just an illusion?
An illusion made real, a reality based on reality
I fall for her, I know her in a strange way that is real
A way of life seen from afar, the tears, the sorrow
I fall for her, maybe again and again, imagination is key
A word and nothing more, a facade, a farce, a fallacy
I fall for her, spirit of the woods, faery of my eyes
A girl just like any other, troubled and sad
I fall for her, a smile a curse, a soul I want to console
Another attempt by my soul to clutch the unattainable
The moon cries and it breaks my heart to hear
All my love dear one, though you will never know
Friday, August 09, 2002
crunch time
it is decision time - I have to make choices:
where to live, here or home?
where to live, new apartment, stay where I am, go to parents?
where to work, stay here, find new job, find new job at home?
and many others that all depend on these basic three...
and I have to decide by next week, all of it! the end of the month is coming and I need a place to live...
bitch and moan!
Life's been rather dull and routine lately. The only highlight being that I spent a fun long weekend at home visiting the aunt and uncle while my parents vacationed on the west coast. Relaxing and wonderful weather. That's all I can ask for. I drank a quart of Baileys and read a good book. A mental massage that was much needed.
The past few weeks has been a revolving pattern of eat, sleep, work, play Clan Lord, repeat. A little bit of avoidance and procrastination on my part about the decisions to be made... whatever, it's all fun! 8-)
I've been fixated lately on the classical guitar. While I have been uninspired to pick up the one sitting in my room at home, I want to try this out. I want to go get an old second-hand classical guitar and try the classical method. It may be the pianist in me, but I find the finger picking enchanting. And the style appeals to my musical senses. I seems right for me, whereas the strumming method on my current acoustic has always seemed... well, not right. I suppose you can finger pick on anything you pick up (no pun intended), but the and style is so different. Maybe I will get one... eBay has many! yay! But dishing out the money for even a cheapo one would be stupid right now. Sigh, I'll probably end up with one anyway, eating macaroni and cheese on paper plates...
Ex number two comes in one week. She's staying with me. Will be interesting... she's a wild one. We'll do a tour of my hometown etc... and I'll get a vacation out of it. I'm excited, a break in the monotony.
And today I am craving chicken. Not nice chicken, but cheap deep fried grocery store chicken. How bad is that!?!
Bawk!
Clan Lord
it is decision time - I have to make choices:
where to live, here or home?
where to live, new apartment, stay where I am, go to parents?
where to work, stay here, find new job, find new job at home?
and many others that all depend on these basic three...
and I have to decide by next week, all of it! the end of the month is coming and I need a place to live...
bitch and moan!
Life's been rather dull and routine lately. The only highlight being that I spent a fun long weekend at home visiting the aunt and uncle while my parents vacationed on the west coast. Relaxing and wonderful weather. That's all I can ask for. I drank a quart of Baileys and read a good book. A mental massage that was much needed.
The past few weeks has been a revolving pattern of eat, sleep, work, play Clan Lord, repeat. A little bit of avoidance and procrastination on my part about the decisions to be made... whatever, it's all fun! 8-)
I've been fixated lately on the classical guitar. While I have been uninspired to pick up the one sitting in my room at home, I want to try this out. I want to go get an old second-hand classical guitar and try the classical method. It may be the pianist in me, but I find the finger picking enchanting. And the style appeals to my musical senses. I seems right for me, whereas the strumming method on my current acoustic has always seemed... well, not right. I suppose you can finger pick on anything you pick up (no pun intended), but the and style is so different. Maybe I will get one... eBay has many! yay! But dishing out the money for even a cheapo one would be stupid right now. Sigh, I'll probably end up with one anyway, eating macaroni and cheese on paper plates...
Ex number two comes in one week. She's staying with me. Will be interesting... she's a wild one. We'll do a tour of my hometown etc... and I'll get a vacation out of it. I'm excited, a break in the monotony.
And today I am craving chicken. Not nice chicken, but cheap deep fried grocery store chicken. How bad is that!?!
Bawk!
Clan Lord
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