So my mind tends to wander whenever you're near
and I can't seem to focus on what's going on,
the truth is, I can't figure out all my feelings for you,
you're a puzzle that's making me struggle along.

So my thoughts are confused and I can't concentrate
on the simplest things that I have to get done,
and I wonder if perhaps I am falling in love
with a daydream gone wild and the promise of fun.

So I stand here alone and watch you walk by
and I cannot tell if its truth or a dream,
that the person I am and the person you are
could find something together, beyond what we've seen.

So I guess I'll keep dreaming and thinking of you
and the wonderful things that are not meant to be,
and perhaps at the end of some beautiful rainbow
the treasure that's found will be just you and me.

butterflies

how strange it is to meet someone and within a short period of time find yourself very attracted to them... I have butterflies and my heart beats faster, I haven't felt like this towards anyone in a long long time, and I have no idea what to do about it... all I really want to do is daydream and think happy thoughts, because it has made me feel so good the past few days, and while acting on this is almost impossible, what a wonderful feeling it is anyway

the only thing in life you cannot recover from is death

W

heh, just because it's funny 8-)

http://www.youforgotpoland.com/

intrigued

I met someone new today, nice, sexy, interesting... it's the first time I've been interested in someone at a level more than just 'You're kindof hot/atractive" in quite a while. Something new to think about.

damnit...

It's not happening fast enough. A week ago Blizzard said information about the open beta of World of Warcraft would be coming soon... but soon is relative and I consider soon to be within a day or so... unless they go by Clan Lord standards, which means we'll get information by sometime in early 2007. Fuck. The slight taste I got from playing the stress test left me drooling for more and I've been glued to their website for weeks since it ended. And one of my coworkers traded all his other accounts for a closed beta account on saturday. So now the luck little fucker gets to play it and tell us all about it... while the rest of us drool harder and faster and wait for our turn... le sigh... I can't wait any longer!! ARRRRRRGH! Open the damn beta before I go shack whacky!!!!

Seriously though, all in all the game looks and is great, I'm so excited I could nearly cry. On top of that, I put an Athlon 2600+ and a new ASUS board in my system last weekend, so it's going to rock the Casbah. WoW flew on the 2200+, I can't wait to take it for a spin on the new processor. Wheeee!!!

entombed

You and I could die in our sleep this very night. It happens... human life is sometimes extinguished by a force unknown and unseen, the life just ends, ceases to be, dead in one's sleep. So if you knew that this was your fate, that the outcome of falling asleep tonight was never waking up, would you be happy with your life? Did you make the most of the time you had? Have you realized a dream? Have you accomplished a goal? Have you stood up to your fears? Have you ... lived? But what if it was not tonight that you expire, but two nights from now. If you ask the same questions, does the answer change? Would you want to make a difference? And if you did, can one extra day of living give you enough time to make a difference? But what if it was not tonight, or two nights from now, but a full week. Do your answers change? Instead of the week a full month, or a full year, or even 50 years. Given 50 years, you can do so many things that there is no real urgency, no need to rush or hurry to do anything. But you and I don't have 50 years, we don't even know if we will have tomorrow. So do you live like every day may be your last or do you live like you have all the time in the world, because we both know that you do not.

sand castles

I spent the morning rummaging through some of my old stuff that had been shoved in the back of a closet. I came across a small vial of sand tied with a little bow. It was a gift given to me by a girlfriend years ago. It was sand from a place down by the ocean, the first place we made love. That night we had said 'I love you' to each other for the first time. When I met her, I had already had sex with various boys and girls, but that night was the first time I had ever really made love with someone. It was the first time I realized there really was a difference. I smile thinking back to that night, it's still very clear in my mind, it was a really great night. It was a really great experience. It's been years, she's doing well, I'm doing well... but since we parted ways I have not felt feelings like that for anyone I've encountered, or even come close. I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again. For the first time in my life I felt old. It was a fleeting feeling and went away quickly, but I recognized it, I know what it was... I wonder if I'll ever fall in love like that again before my time runs out. Whether I do or don't, I was lucky to have experienced it once, some people never get to... so I'm happy that my life experiences include faling in love and making love. I'll keep trying to build sand castles and as for the little vial, it will get packed away again so that some day down the road I can find it and smile about my memories.

90

In the ten years mom has operated her business taking care of senior citizens, I have seen quite a few different forms of dimensia and senility. Today has been the saddest case I have seen. Swift deterioration of memory, like alzheimers, and the confusion that comes with it sets in during sleep. All day you can have reasonably sane conversations with her, but when she wakes up, everything about where she is and why she is there is gone. Tonight she woke up at midnight and was frantic that she was alone (though I was standing there talking to her), that her family had abandoned her (she meant her parents, who have been dead for years), that she was only a little girl and was being punished (the pictures of her parents on her dresser made this worse) and that no one would be there in the morning (I was trying to explain that she's lived here for some time and that other ladies sleep in the next two rooms and would be up having breakfast with her in the morning just like every morning). Twenty five minutes of chatting later she thought she'd try sleeping, but I'm not sure how well that will work. Anything I told her was forgotten within seconds, so if she happens to wake again she won't know who I am and that we had just talked.

As much as I'd like to live forever, if this was what I was facing, I'd rather die quick and painless at a nice young age.

maturity?

perspective. a few days ago my car insurance ran out and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. not driving my car would be one option, but it's not a very fun option. I haven't had to regularly bus since I was out west. the odd thing is that 5 years ago I wouldn't have cared one way or the other whether I had insurance or not. I still sort-of don't, but the fact I'm actually thinking about it has me flustered... but anyway, perspective. I drove out of the grocery store parking lot and through an intersection. someone drove out and took a turn directly in front of me and nearly drove into my car. luckily they saw me in time and stopped. some people, myself included, would be rather upset with that person, as I could clearly see the person looking over their shoulder into the back seat of their car while they took the turn. luckily there was a passenger that told them not to drive into me. i was not upset with the person, I was happy they stopped and didn't smash into me, because I had no insurance and I would have been fucked sideways like a two dollar hooker on the tilt-a-whirl. so no anger just plain relief. it's all perspective. it made me think how silly it is to get upset about something as silly as driving mistakes. everyone makes em, everyone hates em, but they are a fact of life on the road. I rarely get upset with other drivers, I'm too mellow for such silliness, but even I have my limits... but after today, I think my limit has been raised a lot higher. I'm too young and too happy to stress over simple mistakes. I still don't know what will happen with my insurance, it's so damn expensive. but whatever, the worst that could happen is I'd get in trouble, and I do that with or without insurance.

sense and sensibility

I wrote a letter to my love,
and on the way I dropped it,
Little doggie picked it up
and put it in his pocket.
Now it's time to close your eyes,
close your eyes, close your eyes,
Now it's time to close your eyes,
now look, what is behind you?

Some things don't really mean anything, or have no purpose... they just are.
These are the beautiful things.

You're what?

I just remembered it's october the first. I have a friend flying home to visit around halloween so I decided I'd get a few friends together and do the dress up and go out and get hooped thing. It's been a thing for me since I was a kid to get costumes that people just don't expect. I've had some really wild ones, ranging from a vampire made from Malificent's cloak (Disney's Sleeping beauty, a must see), to an old bag lady to a flamboyant french maid avec goatee and fishnets. Oh, and double D inflatable boobies, I forgot to mention those, that french maid was a masterpiece. Anyway, I was at a loss this year and eBay saved me. I was shopping for something or other and I stumbled upon a Supergirl costume and instantly fell in love. So I'll be gracing the local bars with my rendition of Krypton's finest femme and the only conundrum I face is whether to wax or shave my lovely legs, cuz that skirt don't leave much to the imagination.

stay afloat or sink, what does a rock do?

After a month of coughing I'm finally getting over my chest cold. What a rough ride that was. I look forward to next weekend when I visit home and take a 4 day vacation. A change for the better methinks. The weather has stayed warm helping me recover and I've slept well lately, due to busy work days and relaxing nights. If I won the lottery I'd travel the world and see all the places to go on my list. I had sushi and spring rolls for dinner this evening and I'm going to make spicy chicken wings for tomorrow. Saturday evening is movies at a friends house and a few beers. Sunday is recuperate and watch some Nascar and golf, depending on which makes me veg-out more. It's back to work Monday for the 5 day countdown to Saturday when I start vacation with a Jack and Jill wedding party and a relaxing drive across the province. Life's pretty damn good and the warm autumn nights are making me smile.

The shining

Driving home yesterday was an experience. The clouds overhead were dark and black and it was dark all around us. However, the sun was below the cloudline nearing the horizon and light came blazing from the west and nearly blinding us. It was something else to be surrounded by darkness but still having the full force of the sun in your eyes. It made for a very picturesque end of day.

My ongoing chest cold of three weeks decided to divide and conquer by moving into my head as well. So now, along with a horrible cough, I get to sneeze and have the sniffles. And with all the coughing my chest and back are aching. I realize my last post was about whiners and complainers, so I shouldn't bitch about this... but I'm worn out from this illness. I slept for 14 hours last night, interrupted only once at 5:30am when the mirror in the bathroom broke it's mounting and bounced off the countertop. I woke and thought it was a fever dream... my roommate and his boyfriend, not being sick, didn't know what the fuck it was and had to get up and investigate. I drifted back into the haze which pretended to be sleep.

So one more day of work to go and then I can try to rest Sunday and recuperate. With my luck the cold will turn into the flu and move into my back, something that I only get every few years, but that causes me a week of back spasms and restless nights. Fuck it, that's what Robaxecet with codeine is for. :)

Wheh, wheh, wheh...

Holy fuck people are complainers. People complain about bloody everything... government, taxes, traffic, air quality, hold times, etc etc etc... every so often I complain about something, everyone does... but some people make it their lot in life to be constant complainers. In elementary school I knew a guy who was the biggest whiner I've ever known. We ended up as friends, but man.. whine whine whine... my friends and I called him 'wheh' which is short for whine, or a combination of whine and 'wah!'. I have a few customers that whine and complain every single time they come in to see me... and because I have a cold I've decided those fuckers can whine until hell freezes over before they'll get shit from me. I have no more patience for whiners, they'd best hope they don't piss me off because they'll get a smile, a nod and shit all else. Customer service be damned, I try to be helpful to everyone that walks through the door, but if people are gonna get on my bad side, they'll get a receipt, a smile and a polite dismissal. I've used it a few times in the past few days to one or two of my complain-a-lots and lo and behold, it works. We have a few customers who like to call and complain, talking our ears off. I told the guys that the best way to deal with this is not to acknowledge the ongoing tirade of verbal diarrhea... if they have a point and you agree, say "yes, I know what you mean" and no matter what else they say, don't respond until they get to the part where they say goodbye, and you wish them a good day, evening, weekend.. etc etc... The guys love that method, it really works and maintains politeness and the act that we actually care. To an extent, I do actually care. I want people's gear to work for them and I want to help resolve their problems, but hearing a 30 minute speech on nothing at all makes me want to do nothing more than say "Shut the fuck up, dillhole." The irony of this entire fucking rant is that it's a complaint about complainers. At least I made myself laugh. Heehee!

Oh, my poor fucking brain...

Anyone who has to deal with any type of "client" or "customer" at work knows that there are many, many different types of "client" or "customer". Let me take a moment to name a few of the more infamous types:
• the "asshole" customer
• the "chatty" customer
• the "loud and obnoxious" customer
• the "boring" customer
• the "cheap" customer
• the "has to have the very best of everything" customer
• the "idiot" customer
• the "I need this done immediately, right now, 'Is it done yet?!?' " customer
• the "what kind of special deal can you make for me and only me?" customer
and there are many more on the infamous list.

Today, I had the pleasure of dealing with at least one customer from each of the above categories. My brain feels like someone dropped an elephant on it. Twice. I won't go into detail about the above customers, they are easily imagined. Instead, I thought I'd relate a few tidbits about a few of the rare customers I ran into today.

• the "utterly clueless, 'If clues were shoes, they'd be barefoot' " customer
This poor, dumb fuck must require a booklet just to keep himself breathing. I truly believe that boiling water, making toast or the simple art of walking would confound this guy. After the 40 minute phone conversation about a label on one of our products, I no longer felt sorry for this guy, I was worried about the future of our species. The dumbest fuck I've encountered in a long time.

• the "publicly kinky" customer
Situation: Redneck man and redneck woman standing at counter. Redneck woman is buying redneck man some computer parts. Redneck woman says, in her best hick dialect, "Yer gonna have ta kiss my ass but good, fer buyin' you this stuff!" Redneck man responds with, "I'll take care o' that when we gets home." They both chuckle/cackle. Redneck woman says, "You'll have ta do a lot more then just kiss my ass!" They both chuckle/cackle again. Redneck man says, "You just wait 'n see what I'm gonna do!" They both chuckle/cackle again, sending a shiver right down my spine. I'm a very open minded person and enjoy kinkiness, but after looking at those two and listening to that I wanted nothing more than to go home and take a long hot shower with a bottle of bleach and a large scrubbing brush. Shudder.

• the "call every five minutes in a panic" customer
This guy was a really, really nice guy. But he lost all his charm after calling me 80 million times this week. Impossible to reassure him that his computer would be ready, I gave up and started making up things to tell him that had absolutely nothing to do with the questions he asked. After interrupting me three times while trying to take one payment from one customer he's lucky I didn't send the mafia after him. I know where he works and I know where he lives. I should tell him that next time to see if he calls back.

and finally,
• the "smelly" customer
Everyone loves this customer. He, she or it appears every so often in many guises and many different smells, none of them pleasant. Today's "smelly" customer appears in a sweat and dirt stained shirt reeking like feet. Need I say more?

Thus, the fun of today was marred by some very trying customers and I am exhausted. But you can't win em all, unless you cheat.

It changed

Inspired by nothing I can put a finger on, I felt like being artsy. I didn't change much, but tried to make things look prettier. Or at least less boxy. I like it, though it still needs fine tuning. My piecemeal HTML and CSS needs to be revised too, I just clipped and snipped and inserted where applicable until it did what I want... but half the time that's web design 101 riles anyway. Whatever, I like the new look, it makes me happier than the old one.

Who wants to live forever?

Who wants to live forever,
Who dares to love forever,
When love must die?
But touch my tears with your lips,
Touch my world with your fingertips,
And we can have forever,
And we can love forever,
Forever is our today.
Who wants to live forever?
- Queen

I do. I want to live forever.
Eternity is my mistress.

Pretty fly for a white guy

Cuz all the girlys say....

Well, why wouldn't they, I'm so adorably cute. And not conceited at all. I have to go get my hair cut again, it grows so fast... and I'm not sure what to do yet. I have to add colour to cover the *ahem* grey, but for the rest I don't know if I shold get highlights done or just lightly bleach the bangs... what to do, what to do... I never had to actually think about what to do with my hair when it was long, it only did one thing. I feel young again. ;-)

The cost of freedom

I feel the bricks of the wall behind me. The surface is rough and scrapes my hands, but I have nothing else to hold on to. The streetlight above is the only thing I can focus on, the rest of the world is spinning. I close my eyes and try to calm down because if I don't it's all going to go wrong. It is done, I am finished. I'm so tired and there's nothing left to do now but leave. He told me it would be hard to leave him here alone, but I can handle it. I open my eyes, but it hurts to see what I've done. There's so much blood. So much blood. I didn't have a choice, he made me promise. I have never broken a promise to him, I can't even lie to him. What do I do now, it all seems so wrong. I stand up and take off the last of my clothes. I think my legs will hold me up now. I walk away without looking back. Only the stars keep me company, I am alone.

a hop, skip and a jump

I have relocated. I'm in a nice little room in a house I lived in before, but not in a basement this time. The owner is a sweetie, I'm comfy and it's only five minutes to drive to work. So the past two days I slept until 10AM, got up and got ready and left for work ten minutes before my shift starts. Whee. Life is fun! 8-)

You're who?

My cousin told me a story about a recent experience with a friend of her younger brother. It reminded me of a very similar incident I had a few weeks ago. I was visiting my younger brother and his wife and we had a little party. At the end of the evening people went downtown and a few of us stayed at the house to have a few more drinks. When the others arrived back at the house, a highschool friend of my brother came with them. I had just gone to bed, but came out and said hello and he told me he remembered me. I was fucking cluless as to who he was and simply told him I didn't know who he was. Well, he informed me that when I was in high school, I used to tease and pick on him with my friends. Still clueless as to who he was (I still can't remember his name) I said I was sure that we picked on all my brothers friends at one time or another and meant nothing by it. He scowled and told me that I had picked on him more than any of the others. That's the point at which two things happened, the first was that I decided that whoever this guy was, he was irritating me and was going to be picked on by my boot in his arse if he didn't shut up, and the second was that I told him it was really really nice to see him again and then I went back to bed. The other part of the story is that my sister in law had brought him back to the house to meet her friend, and I was already in bed with her when they arrived. So I got the last laugh, among other things he didn't get, but I still don't have a clue who he is. The moral of the story is that, just like my cousin and her younger brothers friend, I didn't know who the hell he was or how I had affected his life. The part that really made me think, is that in high school I was regarded by most people as the "nice, quiet, polite guy", so if I had been a "bad/mean/bullytype" person what a terrible impact I could have had on this guys life, without even knowing it. It just makes me think.

;p

Lethargic and uninspired, I haven't had anything worth saying in quite some time. Life is changing ever so slightly, but nothing worth penning, let alone writing poetry or else... I did get all my hair lopped off. I needed a change and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning and my hair paid the price. Everyone loves it and most people think I look cute, but it's the same style I wore 3 years ago, so it's not anything new. And while I like it a lot and it's easy to take care of (the mussed up look is a 3 minute adventure every morning, but the queer in me makes me *adjust* it all day long) I look like everyone else. The ponytail made me stand out and I liked being different. Now I'm just one more guy with normal hair... blah.

Thunderclouds on the horizon

The sound of rain echoes through the room. A sweet smell of freshly wet earth fills the air. The sky is dark and gray and the world quiets as the rain lets up. Such a calming display by nature in the midst of seasonal change. The calm before the storm.

Where do we go? Nobody knows.

You cannot make someone like you or make someone love you. You cannot change a heart that has decided.

Just cuz

I've been listening to this song on the radio a lot lately and I really like it. The music is great and I found the lyrics today. They're just as good.

Into Your Hideout

I've made it my dear face it, I still kiss the darkness
What I've wasted, I still taste it, I'm sickened and hardened
I'm gonna tear, I'm gonna tear your walls down
I'm gonna tear, I'm gonna tear your walls down

I stole into your hideout

I walked with you, I talked with you, I still can't help thinking
Your drugs bleeding, so sweet yet fleeting, my memories are sinking
I'm gonna tear, I'm gonna tear your walls down
I'm gonna tear, I'm gonna tear your walls down

I stole into your hideout
And it's cold there now,

And everything outside the truth, there's nothing more to cut it loose,
I've left the path and the road just disappeared

Gray shadows and white meadows, a bitter snow is falling
My legs fail me, the ground hails me, distant lights are calling

Into your hideout, into your hideout dear, tearing my heart out now

And you say,
And I say,
And I stole into your hideout

- Pilate

Splat

I've been settled in one place for over 6 months, things have to change, I can feel it in the air. I'm like the lady in Chocolat who hears the wind calling... well not really, but my car sucks and I'm worried it could die anytime. That's the reason I left here last time, because my car sucked, and it still sucks. But I found a place not far from work and it's on a lake with a nice property and lots of privacy. But it's more than I anted to pay for a place to stay. Sigh. When I win the lotto I'm buying a condo, a house on the lake and a house by the sea. That way I can stay where ever my heart feels like stopping for a moment or two.

But I digress. I have to decide on this house on the lake this week, but wouldn't move there until September 1st. So my mind is riddled with questions and doubts about budgeting and sanity. Looks like it's going to be a fun week.

Frightfully flaccid

I encounter them daily, watch them interact, listen to them speak, observe their ability to be a couple and one tells me one day that finding a woman is what I should focus on. Every part of me snickered and I smiled and nodded and thought what wonderful advice this is from someone who I cannot tell if he has ever loved the woman for a split second and if their wedded bliss is nothing more than a veil covering the fact that children was a good enough reason to tie the knot. Affection does not equal love, and I have yet to even see that. The most I have observed is mild tolerance of one another. Now in the privacy of ones home, one can be a completely different person, and a couple can be completely different. I certainly hope this is the case, otherwise this prime example of a typical family is sadly lacking in love. How sad that makes me is beyond words. All I can do is hope that there's more that I cannot see and that happiness is hidden away from my watching eyes.

A new world?

It looks like CL will have another counter world again... I never got to try Alchera, as the downloads never worked correctly for me... but since those days, I've gotten a new system and I know a few people from CL that played Alchera and will be playing this new one called Arindal... I'm excited, as I enjoy CL, but after 5 and a half years, a little variation would be nice. The Arindal website is here.

On another note, I built a PC for myself so I'll have something to toy with for work reasons. Doing tech support and building PCs at work means I need to keep my mind fresh and up to date, so using some spare parts, a few used items, a few left over items bought from work and one or two new items I put together a PC. And the first program I'm going to install is AO, as a co-worker gave me a free code for a month free. So lots of new games on the horizon, maybe CL will finally lose its hold on me and I'll be free! naw, screw that... ;-)

Epilogue

I went on a really nice boat ride yesterday. I had only been to the area once and that was by car, so it was a new experience for me. I got to see some beautiful islands and I caught a glimpse of two whales cresting the water. I loved the boat. It is a speed boat that reminded me of the one my uncle took me on as a child. I enjoy the way the boat hits the waves, and the spray of the water as it soaked me. I got a chill in the end, as we were out until the sun set, but it was well worth it.

Where am I?

Yesterday I realized something; when I tell a story, I'm usually not in it. I was thinking about it and when I tell people what I've done or answer questions about where I've been or how was work etc etc... I tell them about it with myself in the omniscient point of view someone would write a novel in. For example "How was your day?" would be answered by something like "Good, the boss took us out on his boat down around where he lives and showed us the area. And one of the other guys at work lived down there so we saw the town he grew up in. It was nice." rather than "I went for a nice boat ride today and I saw some really nice scenery and where the boss and one of my co-workers lives."

I was thinking about this and it's just that in my voyeuristic, look at life, experience is cool, see this - see that way, I store all my experiences as I actually experience them and I realized when I tell people about my experiences I tell them the same way, as if I was watching it all from the sidelines rather than being actually there.

Silly but true... but I know it now, so my ambition is to start being a part of my stories, rather than the narrator sitting on the sidelines.

What?

This is bizarre, but in a funny way. A guy at work pointed it out to me. All hail.

Home

I just went home for the weekend and while I'm not in a writing mood, I thought I'd post some pictures of the shore in front of my house.

This is "The Rock", sometimes known as "Ryan's Rock". This is where we swim. This is where I spent the majority of my days in the summers of my youth. Bonfires galore and many a beach party were held here.

This is the other side of the rock. We don't swim on this side, there are too many reefs. My brother was nearly battered into oblivion during a storm here, we had to fish him out before we lost him.

This is the shoreline further down where the loons perch on the rocks. I've been known to perch there myself. How fitting.

Heehee!

This is funny. You have to be a gamer and/or a geek and/or read internet stuff to really appreciate it, but even a moron can chuckle at the comic alone.

10E 20

That's a rough estimate of the number of stars in the universe, according to someone in the know. 10E 20 is a one with twenty zeros behind it, which looks like:

100,000,000,000,000,000,000

That's a lot of stars. I slept too much last night and while I tried to go to bed early this evening, so I'd be fresh as a daisy at work tomorrow, I'm not tired at all... yet. So my mind went on a tangent and here I am again, wide awake and writing it down. The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second which is rather fast. The distance to the moon from earth is around 380,000 kilometers, depending on where it's at in its wonky orbit (I guess nobody's perfect, so it can have an elliptical orbit if it really wants to...) This means that light takes about 1.3 seconds to get from the surface of the moon to earth. That's pretty damn quick. If I was to obliterate the moon into 10E 20 pieces, then it would only take 1.3 seconds for everyone in the visible path of light reflecting off the moon to notice it. Sound, being pokier than light, would take longer to be noticed, but it would probably be noticed by many more people, as sound would have a physical impact on earth and reverberate. Light from the sun takes approximately eight minutes to reach earth, making it less appealing for complete obliteration... and also having the downside of destroying our solar system and its energy source in the process. All for what? ... a display of power. Which it is not, in my humble opinion. True power lies in creation. Anyone or anything has the power to destroy. What we lack is the power to create, or more to the point, our powers of creation are much more limited than our ability to destroy. Thus, we are not god in total. The sun is pretty damned powerful to send energy, aka. rays of light, across the emptiness of space (which isn't really empty, but is a reasonably sound excuse for a vacuum) and across the solar system to hit us in only 8 minutes, give or take a second. People, being made up mostly of HtwoO, are basically kindling waiting to happen. Sunburns are a small taste of what the sun can do to us in a very short period of time. Extend that time and people basically become raisins. Water evaporates at a constant rate given a certain temperature, air pressure and several other conditions, and if someone was, for example, left lying in the middle of the desert, said person would evaporate, or at least their fluids would, leaving a dried out shell, made thus by nothing more than rays of light coming from the sun. A very powerful thing when you think about it. Thus, people are not really much more than raisins, or I should say grapes, with common sense enough not to lay in the desert and evaporate. So with all these suns scattered across our galaxy and the countless others out there, the amount of energy available for anyone with the ability to harness it is almost infinite. And as we are a relatively new form of intelligent life, how long will it be until we find a way to at least tap into this energy directly and find a way to make use of it directly, rather than just be recipients of it's free discharge (meaning we have a free energizer bunny that lead to our existence and current status as beings who are able to be) Moreso, without any proof for or against the existence of intelligent life somewhere not in our solar system, and that being life as we know it, as we can only imagine what possibilities of existence can be, then if any beings wished to realize humanity, and had the ability to harness the energies of the suns, what could they do without humans ever knowing it? And if they wanted to display true power would it be through destruction or through creation? And if a being can do this what is the limit of its power of creation? And if its limits go beyond our ability to imagine, does it come any closer to being able to realize god than we do? Or is it just as limited in that respect as we are, and is there some other being that it looks to find, that has even one limit less, so that it can find a realization of god?

I found happiness in a banana flavored ice cream cone today, and then this crap is what I have to deal with when I'm trying to fall asleep early. It's always there and spinning around non stop each and every minute of every day, some silly new tangents going this way and that, but it's loudest when I want to go to sleep and I'm not tired. If life were as simple as a banana flavoured ice cram cone I'd be bored stiff and would probably have died off years ago, but just once in a while I'd like to go to bed sober, not tired and not have to deal with this crap.

That took forever to write down, and only a little while to run through my head. At least I'm tired now. Bon soir, my pillow awaits.

The moment

There sometimes comes a moment when you look at where you are and notice that you're a little bit lonely, but not sure for what, and everything seems to be passing by at a pace that's not something you can or want to catch up to and morning night and afternoon are just phrases that having no real meaning in what you consider a day where it's more light and dark rather than an actual time and every face you see seems sad and lonely too, lost in little worlds alone and afraid to look beyond what is and where they are, right beside you but far away and loneliness and lostness are the only signs on the road

Number 3

Just saw Harry Potter 3 in IMAX and wow, it was cool. The big big screen really makes movies extra good in the theatre.

Two words: Alan Rickman yum yum

This is amusing.

When you've got the munchies, nothing else will do

For lack of anything better to do tomorrow night, I'm going to ask someone out. An interesting concept, to be sure. Chances of rejection super high as that boy is anti-social at the best of times, but one must do what one must do. There's a dinner party here tomorrow night and I'm not in the mood to hang around for that. The age range of the party is going to be 55-60 so as nice as those people are, it's not something I'm ready to endure. The dinner party for my age group is here Sunday night, I'll be here for that. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Mr. Chicken said to Mr. Cow, "bawk bawk" to which Mr. Cow replied, "Shut up you noisy fucking chicken." Yes, that's the kind of day it's been.

I am tired

This has been a long week. I need more sleep and more lovin, not enough of both has me frustrated, in a this and that kindof way. As well, I have to do a visit that I'm not looking forward to. The visit is just a short trip to a family members place, but it will try my patience. I like the person, but it's a visit is like touching that sore spot... you just have to do it, even you know it's going to hurt. And if I don't get laid soon I'm gonna crack. I read this blog of a girl I know who has sex so often I cannot even imagine it... I think I'd fall to pieces. While I'm not that ambitious, a little sumthin sumthin is necessary or I'm gonna lose it. And I need to lose 10 pounds. Grr, what a long week.

Huzzah!

It's seems to have worked.

hmm

I'm going to change my blog location to it's new and hopefully fully functional position

It'll be http://biboy.enigmatic-paradox.net/blog/

or at least I hope...

a new home

After five years of using canada.com for my email I decided it's time to let it die... something happened to it yesterday and my account went SPLAT so I had to restart it and my POP access is gone again... I could pay the 29.00 for Premium mail service for the year or 9.95 for a year of Mailplus, but when I click on the links, it takes me to the "Enter your credit card info" page, rather than something that tells me what I'm paying for... hmm... Explanations are good before buying something, not after.

The final curtain fell when I realized 75% of the junk mail coming to my account is to the "****@canada.com" spam lists. The **** being a list of other users of canada.com that have the same first letter as I do in my email address. I get a few messages daily to ***@canada.com with about 20 or 30 other saps who share my same first letter. Lucky us.

So fuck it, I like the address, I'll keep the webmail account open in case some long lost friend ever emails me out of the blue, but it's on to bigger and better things.

And my creative side said, "Take this opportunity you yutz. Get webspace for your own!" Thus I did. It's ordered and on the way, and will come wrapped up all in a neat little package. My own space, domain, email address (not shared by a zillion other yutzes) and space to be artsy fartsy. Huzzah.

I started already by making my logo that has been sitting in a pile of my writings and meanderings for nearly two years. It took me an hour and 3 Photoshop filters. It felt nice to design something, especially since it's the focal point of my new space and it's meaning is the focal point of my life.

Movin' on up!
to the web side,
I finally got a piece of the pie (a la net)

And what is at the end of everything?

G

"Yes, you do look like Ozzy"

The girl that boards with us while she finishes flight attendant school decided she was going to straighten my hair. Me being me I was all for it. I looooooove when people play with my hair, so this was just a great excuse for attention. So she finished straightening hers and sat me down in a chair and viola! perfectly straight hair. It took about 15 minutes or so, of which I just closed my eyes and relaxed. Bliss is easy when nothing makes you happier than someone that could be a stylist. So up I got and trotted to a mirror and lo and behold, it was a style very similar to Ozzy's hair, and it looked neat. Not something I'd wear in public often, but it was cool. And so I piped up and said it looked a little bit like Ozzy's hair and the response I heard was, "Hey! You do look like Ozzy! Cool! You look like a rocker!" And that ladies and gentlemen is that. I must now get a bus and start the touring. beerz anyonz?!?

and so it goes

I sat across from him this evening, wondering what I should say. Not much of anything, nothing really special. I looked over and he looks the same as he did a few years ago, a little tired and a little playful. For all that he seems subdued there is a twinkle in his eye that never leaves. I talked and he talked and we had an actual meaningful conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes, moreso than we'd ever done. And I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being there with him. I liked that he asked me to get together again, rather than me asking him which is where I thought the evening would eventually head to. Not only that, there may be more in the near future. He likes the outdoors and so do I. He wants to do outdoorsy things this summer and so do I. All I did was say I would like to go with him and he smiled and said he would like that. I know he may never be anything more than a friend and I am content with that. But he is a bit dreamy and I am a dreamer. I can't help but wonder what else more could there be if things were just a little bit different. Maybe I will find out and maybe I won't. I'll enjoy what I have which is his company and his smile and be happy.

some people's children

Some people don't know when to shut up. It's a simple fact of life, most people realize it... yet some people don't have enough common sense to realize when they should zip it. While this can lead to some amusement for me, it occasionally does not... Thus there are days when I'd like nothing more than to drop a house on a few choice people and steal their ruby slippers. Splat I say! SPLAT!

The porn king cam into work today. His system was messed up and needed repair. We laughed and laughed. Then we had lunch. Not an eventful day, but enough to wear me out and look forward to the weekend.

Pisse Dru

A fine beaujolais. A fine day to drink a bottle and enjoy the sun and warm weather. A fine day to eat fabulous french onion soup and fresh apple and rasin bread pudding. A fine day to watch Canada win the hockey championship. A fine day to spend with family and friends. A fine mother's day to appreciate ones mom. A fine day to just enjoy life. Just a fine day.

go figure

Bi - Twice as likely to have a date this weekend

Sure as hell not true in my case, but if it makes ya chuckle...

Stupid Planes

I am rather disappointed with the series finale of Friends. It let me down terribly. I had an informal bet that the series would end with a bang! Literally. My guess on what the plot would turn out to be is that Rachel would hop on the plane, it would crash into the ocean and Monica and Chandler would name the baby after her. Little did I know, the producers wanted a cheesy, lame finale with less substance than a jelly fish.

To be honest, I only watched it because a) there was nothing else on b) someone else in the room wanted to watch it c) I would have frolicked naked down the street if my version of the finale came to pass, and d) after five years of mediocre episodes, the ending was a blessing.

To be even more honest, I haven't followed the show in a long time, just caught episodes if "there was nothing else on". But back in the first few seasons I watched it regularly. Mostly because it was on before ER in its glory days of the ever-hot Clooney and "not already done" emergency room storylines... back in the days when my Thursday nights consisted of the "Must See NBC" lineup before I went out to "Loonie Thursdays" at Smoothies with the college gang and diluted my common sense with magic dollar-a-shot elixirs.

So I guess that after all is said and done, Friends had its place in my life and I enjoyed it while I did. The end was tame, overly lame and did not live up to my expectations, but its a sitcom... nuf said.

Utopia

Ingredients:

1 Mac User - Thinks Different
1 Linux User - Thinks Gates should be driven headfirst into the earth's mantle
1 Windows User - Thinks WinGames will save the world
1 Computer Shop owner - Thinks computers suck

Pour ingredients into a small 24 X 30 foot mould. Shake vigorously. Results vary.

Makes a lovely job for 4. Serve fresh, shake before serving.

Utopia, geekdom... call it what you will, I call it as I see it.

A Elbereth Gilthoniel

A Elbereth Gilthoniel,
silivren penna míriel
o menel aglar elenath!
Na-chaered palan-díriel
o galadhremmin ennorath,
Fanuilos, le linnathon
nef aear, sí nef aearon!

I look unto the starfilled skies and have naught but a tear for lost love, forfeit and sundered
Bring not love faire one, I have no room for more and nothing left to give
Stone shall my heart be from this moment on, a sanctuary of loss and misfortune

untitled

if the gates of heaven are golden
and the songs the angels sing
are like a pair of yellow songbirds
singing happily in spring
will i stop and listen gaily
that my heart with joy will ring
or shall i dance in green grass fields
while they poop on my head

and just like that

for the first time in a long time I watched a movie and had a good cry... I usually get all choked up over movies anyway, but haven't flat out gone teary... I watched Big Fish and got all weepy at the end... What a great movie, just perfect for a sappy old fellow like me... Tim Burton is one of my top five favorite directors, his work on this one was great... The best thing for me was that most of my life is a well composed fiction sitting on a stump of facts, so I could identify with the movie and its outcome... The saddest and happiest thing is that it all comes together in death, not a second before it... Very fitting and inspirational... I hope I dream of big fish and friendly giants all night long and wake with a smile

Three Cheers For Svend!

Canadians are lucky today. A bill passed in Parliament that amends the hate crimes legislation to include sexual orientation. Now if Fred Phelps ever crosses the border, he can be punted back to where he came from. How sad for him, how good for us. Cheers Parliament, you've done a good thing.

vol 2

Vol. 2 was as good, if not better, than Vol. 1 and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Tarantino is just a fabulous artist. The only annoying thing about the whole experience was a few idiots sitting a few seats away giving a running commentary on the action... my cousin looked like she was ready to murder them, but she didn't. I blocked them out and focused on the screen so I missed most of what they were saying. Yay for me, it made my night.

1984

I watched an interesting interview last week on CBC. It was a rebroadcast of a One on One with Peter Mansbridge from March 2003. The guest was Brian McKenna, a Canadian documentary filmmaker. He described his experiences while filming footage on a trip to North Korea. He and his crew were working on a documentary on the Korean war and Canada's part in it. The really interesting part for me was his description of the experience inside the country. His description paralleled Orwell's 1984 so closely that it was like having the book unfold in front of me. It has kept me thinking about it all week. The one thing in 1984 that really struck home with me was how ignorant the people were of anything outside their country. This is how McKenna described the lives of the North Koreans. Limited media and communications, censored completely by the government, allow the people no information about what the rest of the world is like.

For all my general dislike of the media, I still have to appreciate that the majority of it reflects some truth of the world, as distorted and skewed as it may be... and I wonder what it would be like to have truth written for me by a governing body whose sole purpose was to maintain its existence.

I am intrigued.

ouch

Oh my head hurts... an evening of cards and beer and rum and Bailey's is damn fun, but when it ends it sure does hurt. 6 hours from now I have to get into a hot shower and get ready for work and I think it's going to hurt even more then. Ow ow ow ow ow... at least I won one of the pots, which was a double up hand. Now I can buy tea and donuts for breakfast tomorrow... I don't think anything else would stay down anyway... we'll see... on a side note, while I'm usually attracted to older women, two beautiful younger ladies kept me chuckling all night... I must say, it was a nice change of pace for an old fart like myself ;-) almost makes me wish I was 25 again... almost, but not quite!

cherry pie? wtf?

Who bakes in the nude? I mean really...
And why do I think that's a cool idea?
"This I gotta see!"

stupid brain

I've been haunted the past few days by a dream I had a ages ago. I am not even sure how long ago and I remember hardly anything about the dream. I have a visual image of a strange house with many stairways that keeps popping into my head. The dream took place in this house but aside from a few flashing images from different places in the house I can't recall anything specific, but I get a feeling like I'm running through a maze, trying to solve a puzzle and the house feels like a castle with turrets, ladders and places to shoot arrows. Wacko... It's driving me bonkers.

My brain also hurts due to the fact I was held up for 25 minutes this morning by a train. At the top of my street there is a set of tracks. Trains fly by there like bats out of hell. But one decided to go slowly this morning and I sat there for 25 minutes rather than driving to work. Grr! I hadn't eaten either, so I was starving and cranky. It was a bad start to the day, and the rest of the day was hectic.

FUUUUCK!

That felt good. 8-)

theatre of the absurd

people are absurd... things some people take so seriously, more often than not, I find comical. people are absurd, that's life, that's the way things are, but every so often I sit back and watch the news, or listen to a conversation on the bus, or read an article or see something so absolutely, mind bogglingly silly, that I can't help but laugh. I sometimes want to grab people by the nose and say HONK! and then make them step back and look at what is is their so wound up about... life's to short to constantly have your panties in a bunch. or your speedos or your thong or your boxers or your depends undergarments or your choice of whatever your wear under your clothes. unless you don't wear anything under your clothes, in which case, what's your phone number? 8-)

eureka!

Explaining my bisexuality to others isn't always easy. Bi is complicated and not well understood by the majority of people. Homosexuals and heterosexuals mostly don't get it, as it's not strictly defined even in the bi culture itself. But I think I've come up with something simple I can use to explain bi as it pertains to my life and, well simply ... me.

"In my search for life partners, I am not gender biased."

Hells Bells

Two weeks ago I had a sinus cold and bad headaches. My head was ringing like Big Ben. I had a fun time getting rid of it but I thought it was gone and I was done with it. I *thought* I was ailment free, but last Thursday morning, the day before my birthday, the day I had to get on a plane, I found another headcold. This one had a sore throat and minor cough along with it. Oh joy oh bliss oh happiness. Four days later and it's still hanging around. Fizuck. At least this one left out the headaches, but I still feel like a bag of crap wrapped in dirty diaper. I have tomorrow off, so I intend to rest a lot and make the bad stuff stop.

the old lady

29 today! 29 years alive on earth, 29 years of shoes and pants and shirts and shorts, 29 years of food, 29 years of swimming and walking and talking... there's a lot of stuff done in 29 years. My friend, born on April 8th, is older than me and I rub it in every chance I get. Just for fun, because she doesn't worry about age any more than I do. But it's damn fun being the young one 8-)

sunlight on the ocean

Faith is different for everyone. We all believe what we choose to believe. This makes us special, it makes us interesting. I believe in a lot of things... when I look at the sun shining down on the ocean it is simply beautiful... it makes it pretty easy to have faith and smile.

It's a day when there's not a cloud in the sky, there's a slight breeze and the harbour is covered by a million million tiny wavelets... the sun hits these and the whole habour is aglow... everything out there shimmers with life. It's a dazzling sight, one that I never tire of.

What a nice nice day to be alive.

fine like wine

fear is an affliction that humanity can never overcome, it is the nature of the beast
we do not understand, therefore we fear that which we do not understand
we all come to the same inevitable end, the end is something we do not understand
we fear the end, we die and end existence as we understand it

People put too much emphasis on death and dying. We all die, we all believe death is one thing or another: an end, a beginning, a turn in the road, a path to a new story, an experience to add to ourselves, a return to where we came from, and on and on and on...

Death is something unique for each and every person. As is life. Good, bad, happy, sad, life is just different. Age is just different. People are just different.

It's my turn. I cannot remember a point in my life where I had a fear of death. I cannot imagine fearing death at any point in my life. To me, death is like the wink you get while sharing a fine joke.

I view my imminent death as just one more experience of life. There's a 50/50 chance something cool will happen afterwards. I hope and believe that something happens after death, and I'm looking forward to finding out what it will be. Who knows, I could end up reincarnated as a ballet dancer, or someone's shoe, I could end up in a heaven and have endless supplies of chocolate, I could become a part of a solar system ad understand universal existence, I could be reborn as me in another time, place, reality... how exciting to consider all the things that could be, and even more exciting that there are possibilities beyond anything I can ever imagine.

Many people are concerned about getting old. Older means more responsibilities, more stipulations and expectations on behavior, and worst of all getting closer to the end. What a silly thing to focus on. Age is nothing more than the fact that I got to experience a few more moments of life here on this silly little planet I call home. Experience is precious to me and thus so is age.

You are only as old as you think you are.

You are only as old as you feel.

I have a Peter Pan complex. Aside from the alluring fun of wearing the tights (*ooohh la la*), I decided many years ago that I would never grow up. That doesn't mean I don't take my responsibilities seriously, or that I will look young forever, or that I will attempt to look young forever, or that I can't make grown-up decisions...

It means that like a child I will find joy and delight in the world as often as I can and appreciate the fact that I have the chance to experience it. And such am I, like a bottle of wine, trying to become fine as the years carry me along until the bottle is empty and all that is left is the memory of a wonderful flavor and an empty bottle to be recycled and returned to where I came from.

Tech geeks and plane rides get me rye and coke ASAP!

I have a new job and it's a little bit of heaven for me. Small staff of computer geeks, even geekier than I am... go figure... very fun to work with and the job is straightforward and fairly easy. Life is good. Another plane takes me home to visit the folks on Thursday, and my birthday will be celebrated that evening with a friend who is one day older than me. I am the ever present torment of her life in which she is the old gal, and I the ever younger lad! All in all, life seems to have settled down a bit, how strange and glorious a thing. Now I need to get a significant other to share all this silliness with. Perhaps the Moon will do ballet with Mount Olympus while I'm dreaming... heehee.

There's a bad moon on the rise

I applied for a job on Friday and was asked today to do a "trial day" on Monday. They don't do a formal interview, they actually have you come in and see how you work with the team and if you like the work you'll be doing... and evaluate you by that!

Holy moley, I have died and gone to a better place!

Huzzah says I! The job will basically be a clerk for a computer parts store. In other words, it's a geeks paradise, filled with parts and more parts and even more parts for PCs. Whee! When I went in to drop off my application it looked great and the staff member I spoke to was very friendly and helpful. And I may get to work there as a clerk, meaning I have to do no sales pitches or crap, just take care of people and help them out, and do paperwork. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Only a basic pay package, as it's not rocket science, but I think that I can enjoy it. Finally, something fun!

At least I hope! I'll have to wait and see.

To the death

I dreamt of darkness last night. Looking up to the sky I see blackness instead of stars. The world under a cover of dark black cloud, the only light coming from distant lights in a dull orange shade. Standing on the beach near my home, I look out at an enemy. It stands far down the beach staring at me. Cloaked in darkness, nothing of it is visible save the eyes. The eyes peer out at me fiery red, unblinking. I smile, for this is my domain, this is my place. That it dare face me here is almost laughable until I see it take hold of water and feel reality shift. Anger boils up inside me, I am no longer smiling. I grudgingly share earth and have nothing to do with fire, but air and water are mine. And this upstart tries to turn water against me. Fool. A simple thought and I grasp water and by strength of will tear it from the grip of my enemy. I laugh mockingly and throw it all against my foe. Without warning, I am hit by earth and I fall upon the beach. Reality shifts again. The clouds break and the fire of the stars falls down on me. I lost my grip on water and I reach blindly for air to shield me. I am weakened and my control wavers. Air comes, but without reserve, without any control. I stand helpless as air rages around me and I am frozen in cold, frozen in a moment of time. Falling fire hits and I shatter and am scattered across the sand. I lose sense of reality as darkness comes. I begin to drift and I hear it, 'You are done. May rest be upon you, unworthy adversary, until all ends' and the darkness becomes complete.

I know not what dreams mean or may foretell, but this is one of the most interesting I have remembered upon waking.

Does happiness have a pricetag?

Yes and no and maybe, depending on what type of happiness one is looking for, how happy one wants to be and where that happiness is located.

There are many things I would like to do that I would be happy doing, but they pay very poorly. There are many things I am good at that pay very well but make me miserable. There are a few that would give me some happiness and a decent wage. I can find lots from Group A, some from Group B, but Group C eludes me... this has been the story of my life for five years now.

The one thing I am certain of is that as soon as I choose something from Group A or B, something from Group C will pop up. Because I will have just made a commitment to something else, I will feel obligated to not go for it.

le sigh

And thus, happiness is reduced to a mock experiment conducted in the laboratory of my life.

Pheh

Twelve resumes in the past two weeks and not a single nibble. Pheh, people suck! Or maybe I do... well, I guess I do, but not in that sense... I'm getting a sore brain from reformatting my resume and cover letters, but at least I'm getting them done. I once again thought seriously about applying with Carnival Cruiselines and spending a year traveling the oceans of the Caribbean. Maybe I'd find my coconut tree and mark my spot while I'm there. Tempting, very tempting. My car has an exhaust problem so that needs to be fixed sometime soon, but I don't want to spend the money without more coming in to replace it. Hmm, the next month will be interesting.

The movie Taking Lives was my entertainment for the day. It was better than I expected, but not great. The end was different, but a little bit predictable. I was happy to see Tchéky Karyo in the movie. I think he's very sexy and remembered him from The Patriot a few years ago, and Addicted to Love back in 1997. He looks great in Taking Lives, even better than he did in that suave French military uniform next to Mel Gibson. Yummy. And of course Angelina and Ethan are nice eye candy too, especially the part where they get it on... a bisexual's dream come true *smile* Eye candy good, predictability bad.

Bewitched an Enchantress

Heard from afar, "Come to me darling,
The morning is bright, the new day is here.
I see you are lonely, I want so to hold you,
Concern fills me deeply to see you in tears."

Echoes of angels, high over rooftops,
Fall into the alleys where my mind is unclear.
The walls rise around me, there are no doors or exits,
Only bricks stacked in layers, to encompass my fears.

"Lift yourself love, doubt not your heart,
You have the power." I cannot see where
I must walk to escape this, a prison of loneliness,
A journey companionless, shall be mine to bear.

Anointed in blood are these walls hung with shackles.
Fare thee well love, I no longer care.

untitled

Look to the sky, beyond the boundaries of this world,
Find the place most far from within,
Take the smallest piece of self, weigh it on a universal scale,
Feel the universe collapse and end, taking you with it,
Beyond what we see, beyond what we know,
Beyond even the limits of all imagination,
Fools are we that walk along, forgetting that this is not ours, but theirs,
This is not us, but them, we cannot be if we are not,
Stars there are aplenty, but their number pales beside ours,
Ownership does not mean to have, but to embrace,
Fire in the sky is all I see, bound by stars and neverending emotions,
To touch your face would end all things, blind me and bind me,
Bring me to my knees,
And all will be pain and forgetfulness, until I own you, embrace you, end you,
Thus the end comes as foreseen, in shadow and mire,
Darkness and forgotten fire,
Bring to me your love, so that I might break your will,
Destiny brings colours and shades, each will end, each will burn,
One by one we will find our end, watch as you end,
The end is all that is left to us.

Come to me love, I am ready to end you,
Speak to me love, my power shall render you senseless and helpless,
And I will die, and you live on forgetting the fool that owned you and lost you for lack of love.

Bless you Google

A quick followup on my last post. I had Google'd 'Ben Wa ball chime' to see what styles and prices there were on the internet in Ben Wa balls land. As always, if anything looks even mildly interesting, I click it to see what it is and where it goes...

I don't know how I ended up at this site, but I had clicked a few different things and didn't bother looking back. It has the funniest thing written about of diarrhea I've ever read in my life. I laughed and I laughed! So, without further ado...

You can certainly hold in a well-formed crap with your sphincter muscles, but with diarrhea it's like shaking up a bottle of soda and then trying very gingerly to twist off the cap.

You can never have too many Ben Wa balls

Alrighty then ...

For the record, I prefer the ones with the little chimes in them. Technically speaking, I guess they would be called relaxation or meditation balls. Since I don't have vaginal muscles to strengthen, the Ben Wa variety doesn't really provide a direct benefit to me... sooooo I'll stick with the little jingley jangley ones and be happy. I've actually lost mine, so perhaps I'll go get me a new set someday soon. Or find a lady willing to share hers.

And an amusing Ben Wa letter to Sasha at the Montreal Mirror.

The field mouse

Today was a two movie day. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind in the theatre and then 21 Grams at home on a rental. What a mindfuck all that turned out to be...

Both movies are rather surreal and follow no flowing timeline, but jump all over the place. Both are make-you-think movies. Both have really off the wall camera angles and filming techniques. Both of them rock.

Eternal Sunshine did a number on my head. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt terror. A split second of mind numbing terror. This is very uncharacteristic for me and it really made for an interesting day. The cause was not a particular scene in the movie, but a scene played out in my own mind, as if I was in a situation like the lead character. Joel, played by Jim Carrey, makes a decision to have some of his memories erased. During the procedure he changes his mind, but cannot stop the erasing. That's where my mind went on a little tangent. I pictured myself in a situation like that where people were stealing my memories from me and I was helpless to stop it. I have a gluttonous lust for experiences and I store them in a cast iron box deep inside my mind so that they can't be lost. The simple thought of someone stealing them so I would never be able to recollect my experiences or even know I had them dropped my mind right into an icy bucket of water and a chill went right up my spine. That all happened in under a few seconds, but what a rush. The rest of the movie tripped me out, but I've been thinking about my own little mind-movie since I left the theatre. Watching 21 Grams just tripped me out more. All this thinking has worn me out, so if I can get my mind to shut down, I'll sleep like a baby.

If all my memories were stolen, I'd be back in a state just like a newborn baby... argh!! Shut up, stoopid brain... go to sleep.

I forgot about the field mouse. A sad memory of mine that oddly enough I had been thinking about this morning, and there's a scene in the movie that is very similar... I had dropped of a resume today and during the 10 block walk to my car, my mind went on a tangent into the status quo of nature and the symbiotic relationship of the creatures on the planet. It went on from there...

What a day.

*Gasp*

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away someone decided to send me a birthday present! And it was awesome! 8-) She's fantastic and I am very grateful.

Aiya vendë vanya, hantale meldomelin.

Foolsaywha!?!

I heard the strangest thing today... I was sitting in the library reading a book and overheard a man speaking to his wife. He happened to be looking in my direction so he had a clear view of the seating area I and several other people were in. He said, "Just like Chapters, isn't it."

Imagine, people sitting around reading books. In a library. Where does he think Chapters got the idea? Good grief, the bloody end is near....

Mon dieu!

Current Terror Alert Level


It made me chuckle and it comes from here.

a verbis ad verbera

Long ago and far away, there lived a beautiful, young princess named Arianna. She very much loved being a princess and smiled happily whenever anyone came to visit. Every day she would walk in the garden to smell the bright, red roses and wade through the deep, green grass. She would try on new dresses of fabulous silk and shoes in the latest of fashions. Princes from other kingdoms traveled great distances to see her and stare into her beautiful eyes. She showed them her palace and danced many an evening away, to the ballads and songs of her courtly musicians. The days and the weeks and the years passed by and Arianna grew old and died peacefully in her sleep. And the folk spoke forever of the happy, beautiful princess that lived in the castle and never did anything in her entire life. The end.

Boopadoop? Oh my...

I read Blondie in today's newspaper and it made me chuckle. It's not often you see such depth in a daily comic. The comic is not online yet, but www.blondie.com will have it eventually. And this Wikipedia site has a neat entry about Blondie here. The strip has been around longer and has a more complex story and than I had imagined. Imagine that...

Grr...

Snow. More snow. Winter is over in a few days, but it's having it's fun before it goes. I guess we didn't get as much as the States did, but any snow now is unwelcome. And because we had three or four days of warm weather, there are puddles of water all over the place. And said puddles are now covered over with a thin layer of ice and a fresh coating of snow. I found two of these puddles on the way to my car this morning. Water all over my beautiful, leather Tommy Hilfiger shoes. Waaah! (gods man, get a life...) Everyone I know seems to be having a crappy few days, so I may as well join the throng and bitch about life and snow and my dirty shoes and crappy jobs and fucking dry spells and pretty, oblivious women and pretty, oblivious men and then more about snow and my re-rusting car and money and sore shoulders and then more about bloody snow. Fuck!

Heehee. Spring will be here shortly, so I may as well get all the crap out now so I can enjoy the new season when it arrives. Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't arrive on the front end of a blizzard... ;-)

I could sing these and mean them

Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien
Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta

untitled

Fire of the night come burn me! Attendant inferno, unseen, unfelt, scorch me to cinders. Darkness quench your glorious flame? Never. Worship you will I forever, kiss me unto death.

And at sunrise I saw it, a new day and a new hope

Courage. Hope.

Two things that aren't always the nicest things to experience. They can bite one in the ass. I am not very courageous, but I always have hope.

Hope for a myriad of things that there isn't enough room here for me to even start writing about. And I know I'll get burned on many of them, but to not hope goes against my nature, and I cannot imagine living without hope.

Courage however I struggle with. I have only two fears in this life otherwise I'm generally unafraid. But courage is more than just standing up to fear. It is to be bold and to stand out in front if needed. That I am not good at.

Today I encountered a very courageous person. Interesting and friendly, one with a fabulous story. But above all, courageous. As it is something I lack, I enjoyed the experience greatly and learned from it. It was good to see.

People fear and let their lives dwindle away because of fear. For them, I have hope.

Insomnia

Unable to sleep...
Green Mile, weepy, but still not sleepy...
Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, highly amused, but still not sleepy...
Called a friend and chatted, laughed and feel sleepier now...
Can't get song out of head, need mental crowbar... sleepy but song getting louder...
Stupid song, get out.
Download song and listen to it so I can get it done with...
Download is taking forever, lookup lyrics, not so sleepy anymore...
Read lyrics... whoa, these are cool... mental tangent... sleep impossible now...
Mental rampage about the meaning in the lyrics...
Download is nearly done, sleep will come shortly after...
Must post lyrics, such nice words, then sleep...

Do You Realize Do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face Do you realize, we're floating in space Do you realize, that happiness makes you cry Do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know You realize that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You realize the sun don' go down It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round Do you realize, Do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know You realize that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You realize the sun don' go down It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round Do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face Do you realize - The Flaming Lips

Oh... the bear?

The Polar Bear that did a guest spot in my dream was none other than the Coca-Cola Christmas Polar Bear. And it *WAS* holding the bottle of Coke in its paw.

It really was a baked dream.

Looky at the beary!

Stop, that tickles!

Last eve was dinner and dancing with my local bi group. Lotsa fun and laughs. Got to meet a few new faces and cavort with some of the old ones (old in a relative sense, otherwise I'm going to be injured bodily at the next meeting). We went to a club I haven't been to in over a year and they have renovated it. Mucho nice-o! The place is fantastic now, as compared to its old 'run down basement' motif. And it was not too busy, so I got to sit and chat all evening and meet a few more people. Unfortunately my bad shoulder has been acting up for two days and my aspirin had worn off, so I left earlier than I wanted to but it was great fun anyway. A 40 minute drive home means that one cannot drown body aches in cocktails... unfortunately. And as I was saying my goodbyes the cute little guy jumped on my lap to give me a big hug. And because I am the embodiment of pure evil, I tickled. Heehee!

We cannot destroy the world, we can only destroy ourselves.

Wishes

In total avoidance of a tedious situation, I was driving to get ice cream today and daydreaming about stuff... and I was hit by a revelation. Wishes may be the most beautiful part of a persons' essence. I think the purity of a wish is almost akin to Innocence found in the newborn child. The concepts of Innocence and Experience (William Blake, et al) are ideas that I follow. I thought about it a lot and it seems to me that a wish may be the closest we can come to pure Innocence, after Experience.

I find stars beautiful. I visualize a wish as something pure and bright, like the light from a star. A real wish, a true wish that comes directly from the heart and soul and mind together is absolutely beautiful, an amplified reflection of the persons' true and pure self.

What a good day to be alive.

Waffles?

I had a really baked dream this morning.

A friend and I were in bed and had just woken up. The bedroom door opened and a large polar bear was standing there and it said, "You guys want some waffles?" and then I woke up...

I was a little disturbed this morning, but after thinking about it all day, it's pretty damned funny.

There's no intelligent life down here...

This made my day!

And if that wasn't enough

Cover letters are the bane of my existence. I silently curse every employer I apply to, as they require me to write yet another cover letter and whittle away at the little bit of sanity I have left. Curses says I, curses.

Oh my ...

I saw The Passion Of The Christ last week. It wasn't the number one choice on my list, but the other movie started before we arrived. I had intended to go see it, but not right away. Well, I was surprised how good it was. Even thought it was subtitled, which is something I despise, the dialogue was spread out so it was easy to follow. From a religious perspective, it followed along the story most people know, with a few extras tossed in for effect. I don't think the extras ruined anything for me, and it certainly spiced up the presentation. From a moviegoer's perspective, it was visually appealing, even though the blood and gore factor was high. And that's all I can say about the film itself. Whatever religion a person is, I think it's worth watching for the movie experience.

I can see why some people were concerned about anti-semitism problems stemming from the movie. My own perspective is that it was the corrupt leaders (politicians in my mind) that conspired to do him in, and the regular people were just as horrified as everyone else in the movie... Jewish, Roman or otherwise. I certainly didn't feel any hate towards the Jewish people or their leaders, I felt sad that a few bad apples in the leadership were pushing for something that many others didn't seem to want. Of course, my own background as a Catholic and Christian distorts my take on the movie, but my insanely odd views of religion (ie. religion is silly) and outlook on existence balances that out more or less. I won't jump on that rollercoaster right now.

A lot of the people in the theatre were crying and sobbing through parts of the movie. I was near tears myself. Even without any belief in Christianity, the simple brutality towards another human by the Roman soldiers was very moving. If the reality of the story was anything like the movie, which based on historical data of the time (non-biblical, just general history or the era) seems to be fairly accurate, then I am dismayed at the living conditions faced by people in that time. Yuck is all I can say, yuck.

Enough yammering. I liked the movie, it was thought provoking. See it and judge for yourself. The end.

Cellar Door

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

- Mad World, performed by Gary Jules, Donnie Darko Soundtrack


The wonderful thing about some dreams, some fantasies is that they aren't meant to happen, not meant to be... that's what makes them special and makes us special. In the omniversal scheme of all things, all happen and all are. Thus I have consolation that in another time, another existance, another me... I am happy.

Above and beyond

I went for a drive today, I needed to clear my mind. I read something strange and dazzling. Fortune favors the bold, but I'm not in a bold state of mind. And thus, I went for a drive. Catharsis magnificus.

Having finished the series I was reading by Tad Williams, I began to read one of my favorite series The Winter of the World. It is tied for first place with the Dragon Prince series by Melanie Rawn in my list of favorite readings. It a story involving supernatural forces battling for and against control of a world, and humanity is caught in the middle. Fantastic read, I'm totally engrossed, again. I have read it at least 10 times, maybe more, I've lost track.

In the books, the dark forces trying to destroy humanity and rule the world are the masters of The Ice. The Ice, like glaciers of our pre-historic world, moves from the north covering the land and pushing back humanity as it covers the land. Which brings me back to my drive today.

The southeastern part of our province was at the end of one glacier formation in some age long ago. Where I drove today, you can see the actual rock carved out along the landscape and boulders all over the small hills dropped by the glaciers as they retreated. The rocks are all over the place, scattered as if some giant had dropped his basket of rocks and forgot to pick them up. The hills themselves, low and almost at sea level, are half scrub and half open bedrock, gouged and scraped long ago and worn by time and weather.

And so, between reading the books and driving through here, I'm brought again to the realization of how small we really are. Ice owned this world long ago and may own it again. One million years is a long time for us, but for our world, it is just around the corner. And we are only one little world among many. Small indeed.

*A few small pictures showing an area close by where I was are found here.

Above

The world looks small and I realize that as I move back from it all, I'm not getting further away, I'm getting closer to myself. Sometimes the world seems huge and humanity a great big dominating force that rules with an iron fist. I don't believe that, but media has a tendency to obscure things. The unreal becomes a possibility in the hands of the media. But above it all, I find clarity. We are small. I am small. The world is just a twinkle in someone else's telescope. Above is where I feel at home. Above reality, in reality. Belief is belief is reality.

An oldie, but a goodie

Jar Jar!

Facile credo, plures esse Naturas invisibiles quam visibiles in rerum universitate.

I dreamt of fire today and it was an odd dream, occurring during a short afternoon nap. I was filling up my car at a gas station that I pass every day on the way to work. I never go to this gas station, it is in a terrible location for traffic. I would never consciously go to this gas station, it gives me a bad vibe. So being there filling up my car was the first odd thing about the dream. As I stood there pumping the gas, there were many other people doing the same. As I came back to the car from paying, I noticed that there was a small blue flame flickering on the passenger side near the hood. It looked like an alcohol flame, the near invisible type, which puzzled me as there are no components involving alcohol on my car. I tried to blow out the flame, and the body of the car itself began to burn and disintegrate outwards in a radial pattern slowly from where the blue flame had started. At this point in the dream I begin to panic, as I can remember hearing a story from a friend about a fire at a gas station and how close they came to having the whole place explode and take out half a neighborhood. So I start looking around for something to douse the fire, a cloth or a stick or a bucket of water... there is nothing at all nearby that I can use. I start yelling to warn the others and everyone is gone. I look around and their cars are still there, everything else looks the same, but all the people are gone. So I am standing all alone at a gas station, my car parked beside a pump and the car is shortly going to go up in a ball of flames. I start to run away but I can't. I know that if I run and the station explodes, I will be the one responsible for half a neighborhood being destroyed and all the lives that will be lost. This gas station is nestled directly in the middle of a large neighborhood. Houses are literally packed all around it. So in the dream I am totally alone, but I know that all the houses around me have people in them and I can't let them die. I make a decision: I have to drive the car as far away from the station as I can get it before it is totally covered in flame, so that the station will not explode. I look at my car and the front passenger side is covered in flame and disintegrating before my eyes. I run back to the car and just as I am about to open the drivers side door and get in, I wake up.

Future echoes.

Card Sharks and Craniums

No flights, no plans. Must improvise.

Dinner and a movie with cousins, then drive to another cousins' house. A never ending game of poker and a shitload of Euchre. Cards and beers and a rousing game of Cranium.

Moral of the story, I do a very good impression of Bob Dylan, and nod my head a lot while creating an ice cube tray.

Fucking Snow

I am supposed to be at the airport in an hour. It's nice here, a few flurries but nice. It's a blizzard at home. Two weeks in a row! Grr! The flight looks like it is still on, but who flies into a blizzard? Air Canada cancelled their flights into the city, so my guess is that my flight will end up on the cutting room floor very shortly. (probably *after* I get to the airport to check in, because their stupid customer service line is always busy or the hold time is endless) The airport is a 10 minute drive down the road, so at least I'm not going out of my way.

I am more than mildly annoyed. Fucking fucking shitdamnhellcrapassfucking snow.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Grover!

Damn it all to hell, Sesame Street warped my mind. I fly home tomorrow for a four day vacation. Huzzah! Then I come back and Monday I have a date. If the plane doesn't crash, this could be a pretty damn good week!

Imaginary

Can love ever be anything more than imaginary?

Is there a window that opens and closes defining the limits and boundaries of actual love? Is it more than just a moment in time? Is there a chance it is eternal and it just can't be understood? If it is someone else's love, is it wrong to want to steal it for yourself?

Some days I just overthink.

Work

Work is not something I'm ever enthusiastic about. I enjoy working. I'm usually good at what I do. It keeps me entertained for short periods of time. It provides money, which is one happy benefit. But I am never enthusiatic about it.

I'm a daydreamer. I find repetitive tasks tedious. If I could survive on philosophy and coconut milk and nothing else, I'd park myself under my coconut tree in the Caribbean and wile away the days.

Finding a job that keeps me interested beyond the first few weeks is never easy. The few I have found were great, but due to the circumstances of them, I choose to leave. One was in the middle of butt fuck nowhere. The other was in a great spot, but too far away from home.

Now I'm close to home and can't find a job that's not dreary beyond words. I'll say one thing about job hunting, it makes you appreciate the pure silliness of economics. Five hundred years from now when we live in a currency free world, I'll look back on this post and laugh, laugh, laugh.

Ha ha.

Smile

I made someone smile today. I like that.

roflmao

11:36:59p Goblin ponders, "hmm i should take this anger out on some mahas"
11:37:33p Goblin asks, "to savanah?"
11:37:52p Goblin says, "hey"
11:37:58p Gorvin says, "hi"
11:38:10p Goblin asks, "want to bag a few furs?"
11:38:27p Gorvin asks, "I guess?"
11:38:38p Goblin asks, "?"
11:39:08p Goblin says, "nevermind... ttyl"
11:39:21p Gorvin ponders, "yay"
11:39:36p You gave good karma to Gorvin, roflmao

*Disclaimer: If you know nothing about Clan Lord, this will mean nothing to you.

Sperm are never homosexual!

Imagine that.

To keep informed of the current goings on around the world, I subscribe to several eNews lists. I particularly like to keep up-to-date on things in the news that concern queers. Thus, I sometimes read things that strike me as absolutely hilarious and others that really offend me.

Then there are those things that are just plain dumb...

If sperm could speak Barry Wick is very upset (Feb. 6 letter) over opponents to the homosexual lifestyle. He accuses us of being strictly religious in our opposition as if we knew no science. He calls us "closet creationists." I am a creationist, but have never been a closet creationist! Barry should consider the (biological) science of sperm and eggs. In sexual matters, males produce sperm and females produce eggs. If sperm could speak, they would tell homosexuals to find a wife. Sperm need eggs, not more sperm. Sperm are never homosexual! Since sperm look for eggs in a female, why shouldn't a man desire a wife? A man may desire a man in his mind and emotions, but his sperm desire a woman with eggs! It is a biological (scientific) fact! Rev. H. WAYNE WILLIAMS Rapid City

Perhaps this preacher should lead his proverbial flock to listen to some talking sperm, just to see what they say.

*The letter was in the Rapid City Journal

Snow Shoes

I've never used snow shoes, but I've had snow shoes. I had them today, for the second day in a row. Snow shoes happen when you are shoveling snow that is waist high in your driveway. Snow shoes happen when the clever snow evades the careful wrappings around your boots and creeps down alongside your ankles while you are in the process of relocating other snow.

I love Canada and I love Nova Scotia, but I'm tired to death of fucking snow. I need a job that takes me to the equator from November 15th until April 5th every year.

I am seriously considering 'Plan C', where I move to the Caribbean and sleep under a palm tree and live off coconuts.

Voices

She called! She called! A voice from out of the darkness, unknown and unheard for oh so long.
Soul nurturing siren song, how happy am I now.

untitled

Where did you come from
Oh golden sunbeam
That enshadows so my soul?

I found you, I lost you
Yet ever you were there
Waiting, watching, writhing,
Deep within my abyssmal mind.

How do I see thee?
How can I see thee...
while blindness overcomes me?
Yet now you blind me more,
And make me see beyond
What you are, what you were,
To what you can be.

Brighter than sunrise,
You christen me anew
With my each and every thought of you.

You once were lost,
But now am found,

And all that I can see
is you.

Tranquility

If ever I wondered what I should do when encountering the sun,
I found my way by turning to look at the shadow cast behind me.

You and I

Hold you, touch you,
Laugh with you, cry with you,
Look deeply in your eyes,
Hold you close while you sleep.

Caress you, embrace you,
Live with you, learn of you,
Feel softly your touch,
Kiss you gently while you sleep.

Know you, love you,
Walk with you, dance with you,
Hear your passionate voice,
You are my dreams while I sleep.

untitled

I woke to see you standing there,
Bright like the rising autumn moon,
Simple beauty shining down on me,
You rose above on angel's wings.
This temple built, by mine own hand,
Is bathed in soft white light,
Your heart, your soul, your beautiful face,
Are etched on its sky-blue walls,
And I walk its halls,
Embracing memories, building dreams,
Swimming in faith and love.

An Awakening, To A Visit From A Friend

I open my eyes, I see you sitting there, looking at me, smiling at me,
I feel loved.

I know you were there, quietly waiting, watching over me,
I feel safe beside you.

I see your eyes, so bright, so happy, so close, your warmth flows over me,
I feel happiness being near you.

I recognize your beauty, that which I have come to know,
and wonder what I'd done to be so lucky,
I feel special being yours.

I look and see myself in you, feel you deep inside of me,
know the truth of being us,
I feel awe at what we are.

I see it in all of you, your eyes, your face, your heart,
I see and feel myself there beside you,
Whenever I remember,
I smile and know true joy.

Psychosis

And in this pool of life I lie
And sing a silent lullaby

And strangely, oh so strange I sing
Of life and lies and forgotten kings

And further now, and further on
Light breaks forth foreshadowing dawn

Upon the horizon I do see
A stranger who was once but me

I took the hand he offered me
And two sang out in harmony

What is, what was, what will be,
The music of two, a melody unknown,
Created, blessed, tainted, caressed,
By life reborn as me
By life reborn in me

Inspiration

Someone mentioned they like poetry, so I was inspired to post some of my own meanderings. Enjoy!

PS. The poem by Hilaire Belloc is one of my favorites, discovered when my English anthology fell open in first year university. It has been a joy to me ever since.

Lines For A Christmas Card

May all my enemies go to hell,
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel.

- Hilaire Belloc