Darkness changes everything.

One of the wonderful things about seeing the 'familiar' in the dark is that it is different. You get a new perspective on regular everyday things. What seems so plain and ordinary, day in - day out... darkness brings it into a new light. Now there's a paradox. *smile*

I drove down to the area I work, it’s the first time I’ve been down there after dark, at least when I haven’t been working. I drove past all the things I’ve seen each and every day for 6 months. And it all seemed so surreal. The shadows highlighted by flashy neon signs and streetlights. It was quite refreshing. It made me look at things differently, and even though it was the same old stuff, it all seemed fresh and new. I was uplifted.

Darkness changes people.

You can read it in their eyes. See it in the faces. Hear it in their words. It is seeing a person in a whole new way. Fascinating yet sometimes frightening… the comfort of knowing who and what a person is gets jolted when you run face first into their dark side. Does everyone have one? I believe so…Good, bad… order, chaos… light, dark… one needs the other to define itself. To define its existence. To sustain the balance of being. The dark side of people fascinates me. Why? Because I can look at my own darkness and come one step closer to understanding me…

Boredom set in today, I didn’t plan on doing anything except writing a cover letter for a resume I had to send today. The worst task of all, job hunting. Oh how I loathe it… I believe that all people should be able to pick a job they want and have it. It’s great to live in fantasy land, they serve chocolate cookies with every meal…

My best friend in the world called me today and told me she is getting tired of where she works and where she lives… she misses home and her family. And she may move back sometime soon. I lived with her for nearly two years and I miss her terribly, so this is good news to me. The timeline is sometime in the next year or so, which is better then the older one of maybe 5 years. So I am happy. This day has indeed been uplifting.

do you look at your life?
do you look at who you are?
what do you think is the most important point?
what do you think is the purpose?
do you feel you've lived a good life?
do you feel it's all been a waste?
what do you feel about your past?
what do you feel has been worthwhile?
is this living or survival?
is this all there is?

It is snowing. It is *Apirl 26th* and it's snowing. What a downer. Not an unusual thing here, but not appreciated. It's a pointless snow, it comes to annoy everyone and make the drive to work less than pleasant, and then it goes away by noon. Why does it even bother?

I looked at my post from yesterday. So serious and deep. Bwahahahahaaa...

*smile*

Of course, it was only the beginning of a long train of thoughts that will go on for some time. I suffer from extreme mood swings. Yesterday I was serious and somber. Today I was in a foul mood, but lunchtime came and now I’m all hyper and cheery. Mood swings are not an obvious thing to those around me because it's all kept inside. And it’s only occasional, I’m generally happy-go-lucky and ‘one with the universe… at peace with all things’. When it happens though, it’s like the Titanic sinking… it hits me fast and my mood bounces around all crazy-like for days. The only thing people notice is how loud I am. Bad moods make me even quieter than usual, good moods and I’m fairly chatty.

A co-worker was shocked when I told her I was grumpy today. In 6 months of working together it’s the first time I’ve said that. Mood swings… can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. Work has been uninteresting, and only my co-workers make it bearable.

And I want to spend more time with my current love interest. But he’s younger, quiet and doesn’t have quite the same feelings I have. Makes for a long and dreary day when you want nothing more than to go cuddle up with someone and you know you can’t.

enigmatic (en-ig-mat-ik) adjective mysterious or puzzling; darkly expressed
paradox (pa-ra-doks) noun one that possesses seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

This is me. This is who I am. This is how I define my life.

To most people I seem as plain as day, a quiet, polite young man that takes things in stride and always wears a smile. To those that become familiar with me, I just don't make any sense. It seems that as people get closer to me, the less they really know me and who I really am. No one really knows me. I like it that way. My closest friends and family have some idea of who I am. But my nature is to reveal little to nothing about myself. I tend to be a closed door, with a slight view available through the keyhole. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but some people would like to get to know me better. But I’m selective and let few get near to me. Honestly, because I don’t really know or understand myself. An enigma. A paradox. I look at myself and I see a mystery of contradictions. If nothing else, it amuses me to think about it.

I am not antisocial. I’m not a hermit. I go out into the world and have adventures. I like to spend an evening with hordes of sweaty, dancing clubbers or traveling with friends just as much as I like curling up alone with a good book or to watch a corny TV movie. Simply, I just have fun most of the time, whatever I end up doing.

I like being the silent guy, not often noticed, out of the spotlight. I am comfortable with that. Why? I am a voyeur of life. I live to watch people live. I live to experience others, from the slightest glance at a stranger to wild adventures with friends. Every experience is important to me.

More than anything else, I love eyes. "The eyes are the windows to the soul." The raw emotion obvious in the eyes is the most brutal and blunt way to see a person. But it can be the most beautiful. The eyes show life – good, bad, happy, sad, vibrant, indifferent… they speak volumes and given the chance, I look for the life that shines there. To me, the eyes are the most spectacular way to experience the life in a person. Every experience is important to me.

I like being the silent guy, not often noticed, out of the spotlight. I take interest is those that stop and take the time to notice me. I usually don't have time for the people that run in the front, stand in the spotlight, lead the race... because I am too busy watching them, experiencing them, soaking up the energy they give off. It's like standing in that solitary, bright, warm sunbeam that somehow breaks through the clouds on a grey, dismal day - absolute bliss for a moment, and then it's gone. I cherish my experiences with these frontrunners in life, but my passion and care is for others like me that slow down and walk at the back of the proverbial race.

I take interest is those that stop and take the time to notice me. I have attachment issues. I've known it since I was a child. I get attached to anything from clothes to pens to books. So with most people, I get attached and never let go. This is the basic reason I don’t let people get very close. I like to look from afar. But these people, those that take notice of me, they come into my life and I attach myself to them. They are the source of my passion for life.

Slow down you move to fast
You've got to make the morning last.
Just, kickin’ down the cobble stones
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.
- Simon & Garfunkel

So much to say, so many thoughts... This may take days just to get this all started.