intrinsic malevolence

I am very angry with myself... the ridiculousness of some of the things I put myself through... bad enough that I am deluding myself, but it's for something not even worth gaining... a chocolate chip cookie with rocks instead of chocolate chips... it looks great, but it'll end up breaking your teeth, that's what it reminds me of... I haven't been this angry in a long time, and the focus is myself, I'm not sure how to deal with that... grr... hopefully no one will piss me off in the next few days, because my inner bitch is seeking a way out...

part of my halloween costume didn't get here in the mail, so I now have to come up with something new for tomorrow night... I'm so annoyed I don't even feel like bothering... if I'm pissy enough tomorrow, I'll buy a sheet and throw it over myself and go like that... fuck it...

on a nicer note, I have a date on Monday, and I'm having dinner cooked for me by a chef in training... at least this weekend isn't going to be a total loss... grr...

desire, my darkest foe, I will drive you out, I must...

ah so... you seek the perfection, yes?

as I drove to New Glasgow today, I saw a nearly perfect rainbow... the most perfect I have ever experienced... It was small but extraordinarily thick and it was the same all the way trough, hue and tone and brightness... intense I guess I could say... it was over a valley like area where the clouds had gathered in a weather system not far away from me... the best part was that I was driving with the sun shining behind me into the valley area, so it was a shiny, rainbowy and sunlit valley, with mists all around... I could see it for nearly 5 minutes, it was spectacular... it's little things like rainbows that make a days special and make life a treat...

I watched Shakespeare in Love last night before bed, it's in my top 20 favorite movies ever... such a sweet story... always brings a tear to my eye, though I didn't bawl this time... the passion between the two lead characters is so deep and for a sentimental old romantic like myself, I just can't help but sigh and smile... every time I watch the movie I want to go out and meet someone and fall passionately in love knowing full well it's never meant to be and that fate is against us... sigh, I was born in the wrong age...

teh geekz

Crazy gamers talk follows, you've been warned...


Aneikins:
*mutters* he'd better have respecced to Demonic Massage or Advanced fanning...

Praetorius Xar:
hehe totally demonic massage, I was born with the fanning abilities

Aneikins:
ahh racial ability? hmmm does that mean you have extra talent points to go into Honeyed Words 2/2 leading to Poetic tongue 1/1 ?

Praetorius Xar:
why yes, yes I do! heaven only knows what rustic rhymes I could cunningly conjure if my mind did venture in that vernacular direction

Praetorius Xar:
hehe, I'm so ging to cut and paste that
and edit the horrific spelling mistakes... sigh

Aneikins:
well, the meaning came across... ;D

Praetorius Xar:
hehe, I should hope so, it was brilliant!!!

Aneikins:
indeed, for poetic words trip from your tongue, and spill unabashedly in Times New Roman font... ;D
Hold still my heart, he speaks!


After years of backstory, no one could possibly understand it, but it's funny to me.

tread the dawn of delusional intensity

upon the crest of a wave of forgetfulness is found a pinnacle of perfection,
a moment of silence echo'd in the mists of soul ravaging pleasure,
a second of breathlessness mirrored and reflected twofold,
an instant of excitement tinged with illusionary resistance,
a climax and surrender to soul surging surreality,
a figment of fantasy, together take flight
a whisper of eternity found within those eyes
a time, a place, a being, immortal in imagination
carpe diem, carpe diem, amor est vitae essentia

fucking Jimmy Buffet and Frank Zappa... I'll run em both over!!

holy fuck, I got to go play on go-karts at the new Kartbahn facilities last eve... what a blast! three of us went and were grouped with about 6 others, we all went out and tore the track up, hehe! I haven't been on a go-kart in 6 years, so it was a treat :)

later I went to a friends place for some games and booze... me being me, I have a disfunctinal memory... sadly, I remember things like artist names and song titles to a degree worse than anything else... I had a friend that I used to constantly pick information from, she saved my ass on numerous occasions at the bars when we'd play music trivia games and such... anyway the point being, I was engaged in a game of 'Scene It? (Music Edition)' last eve and I knew I was doomed from the get go. It's a fantastic game, but I came to the table with a distinct disadvantage in my memory malfunctions... that and I knew that 3 of the 6 of us were music buffs... hehe, doomed!!! was a good group though and was a really fun game, so I enjoyed it.. that and getting drunk and having our host show off his Sean Cody and misc porn collection, now that's a generous host :)

afterwards we went downtown for a bit, I mixed white russians and beer and felt decidedly ill... one guy I spoke with was talking about dancing and told me I'd never be able to keep up wth him... I can honestly say I've never been so tempted to pour a drink over someone's head... needless to say, that conversation ended at that point...

all in all a fun and entertaining night, but why oh why did it have to rain today? pesky rain.

the clam before the storm

yes, clam. my storm has already blown past... this busy work week cleared up my ridiculous bout of depression and provided a cathartic relief on a few sore points in life... not having enough to do makes me over think things, so last week was a bitch... anyway, I'm no longer ill with tummy problems, no longer lacking work and no longer wound up over men and women... so it's back to mild normalcy in my world, about one fifth of a level in normal normalcy... whatever the fuck...

I did dinner and a movie with ex boi, which allowed me to just be comfortable with him, making things alright on that mental circle... comfortable is the way only way I would describe it, it usually takes longer, but it was a pretty short-lived thing anyway... stupid attachment issues... where it goes from here is his to decide, I am content with whatever happens...

my urges to float in the wind were strong this past month and for once the wind wasn't blowing in a Nova Scotia direction... it was blowing me away for adventures afar... I didn't figure out where and I can't say I really want to find out today, but at least for now I'm still settled... odd that I would get the urge in the fall, it's almost always spring summer and fly in the fall, not the other way around...

the scheme is afoot, and then a second one... the first a ploy to win the hand of some dashing lad, but I find I've stacked the deck against myself... that will be difficult... the other players at the table are holding hands I can't even fathom a guess at, and I'm the only one with chips on the table... but if I win, what a prize it may be... draw, fold or raise... I just don't know and time is failing...

the second ploy is much harder and will require a level of deviousness I haven't had to employ in a few years... how to do it says I... the plot and the theme are written, and the first act is prepared, but it's the finale that will prove my undoing if it fails, I will be utterly spent and left without any way to salvage myself... but it requires another five months to implement, so there will be time to develop a fail-safe, i just can't figure out what it will be...

and so a storm looms on the horizon, figuratively and literally... my own storm seems much more devastating, but if the other big fucker comes up on it's current path, we may get smashed by more wind and rain... I'm so sick of seeing hurricane/earthquake/typhoon/tsunami/tornado shit on TV that I can't even think about it anymore... as long as my house doesn't get blown down, my power and internet aren't knocked out and I can drive to work i don't give a rats ass what the fuck happens to those poor bastards down south... callous, yes... but I've been CCNized into carelessness about natural disasters... good luck to yas, ya poor bastards, but let it hit yas and then keep the fucking thing... I don't want it here...

vanilla ice cream cone anyone?

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rum

an evening downtown, mmm, just what the doctor ordered... a pint of rum followed by some beer at the bar and tequila bought for me by some random cute guy, I was quite wastered... a damn fun time was had, I must say... oddly enough, I have a tendency to try to speak in a Scottish or Irish accent when I'm really smashed... I don't know why, I can't even come close when I'm sober, I can't imagine why I try it when I'm drunk, but I do... so cute guy named Joshua and his friend Katie are at the bar and he buys me a shot and I thank him and Katey in my very best Irish accent... now that I'm sober I realize how silly I sounded, but they chuckled and got a laugh from it so all's good... I bought them both a drink for being such good sports, they seemed to like that... I'm determined that the next time I'm out I'm going to sew a sign on my sleeve that says "YOU CANNOT SPEAK IRISH, SCOTTISH OR ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE" just so I'll remember dear Katey... heh...

being sloshed I headed for McDonald's which was slower than usual (it's at a crawl at the best of times...) and I got to listen to a drunkass young kid trying to pick a fight with some other guy in line... his tactic was to call him 'faggot in the pink shirt' until he got him to fight... it didn't work, the other guy wanted nothing to do with him... but he came pretty close to having my friend and I killing him on the spot... I had dreams of driving over the drunkass biotch in my car, I woke up still drunk, but entertained that he was roadkill...

rum. rum. rum. silly boi...

damn brain...

I didn't sleep well last night and I was up early today. So I decided that before I started my evening I'd take a quick nap. I closed my eyes and started to drift off.. seconds later I had a semi-conscious daydream/dream where I was traveling down a highway, looked at a broken down vehicle on the side of the road and looked back as I ran directly into the back of a large red pickup truck at full speed. What a freaking weird experience. I looked at the clock and not even 2 minutes had passed since I had set the alarm. Now I'm completely awake, exhausted and cranky. Bloody whacky brain o' mine...

untitled

I found the stars had dimmed,
their silvery light grown dull and hard.
I found the moon had paled,
its face a faded memory in the past.
I found the night had chilled,
its embrace stealing all inner warmth.
I found the years had failed,
their sweet promise unfulfilled.
Despair and disappointment at another doomed defeat.
Lethargy and loneliness at a legacy of loss.
The finality of it all intrigues.
Fall like a leaf when the wind fails.

I am so in love...

This is her!




The new baby has arrived and I am so loving her. To most poeple it wouldn't be much, the car is 13 years old... but for me it's a marriage made in heaven. A car that runs ok, looks ok and feels ok. My last car was never really all that comfortable, didn't look good at all and ran well enough that everyone was amazed it lasted this long... but it was a bitch. It was the first vehicle I've owned I haven't had sex in. I never even wanted to, it just never felt right for that car. Wierd but true. This one fits like a glove and the first thing I want to do it get it out and work out the kinks... ie. get laid in it. Must christen car. Mmm... raunchy car sex. For that, I suppose I'm going to have to actually find someone worth christening the car with. Crappy bar hookups would do it, but that's like taking a 45 year old hooker to your high school prom; it's a date, but fuck it's a godawful date. Blargh. So now the hunt begins. Elaine interviewed people for "sponge-worthiness", I may just start interviewing for "working-out-the-kinks-worthiness" hehe! Let the games begin! :)

world of fire

no matter how ridiculously silly life may seem to me, and no matter how silly I actually act in life, I appreciate all that I have... I've got a pretty funky life, talents and enough to eat... life's good! people usually look at this as a great weekend to drink and eat turkey and visit people, but it's really all about appreciating what we have, because so many people out there (some very close by) have absolutely shit all... like I said life's good, and I don't take it for granted...

after 2 years of being uninspired, I've bought new strings for the guitar and have plans to buy myself a new Yamaha keyboard sometime after Christmas time... I don't know where it came from, but the desire to play music has crept back into my head... me likey...

the turkey is nearly ready and I'm going to go put on another 3 pounds... happy turkey day canuckia, we're a lucky country...

is it chocolate cake?

Cake And Sodomy
Marilyn Manson

I am the God of fuck! I am the God of fuck!
Virgins sold in quanity, herded by heredity
Red-neck-burn-out-mid-west-mind, ’who said date rape isn’t kind? ’
Porno-nation, evaluation
What’s this ’time for segregation’
Libido, libido fascination, too much oral defacation

White trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy
White trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy

VCR’s and vaseline, TV-fucked by plastic queens
Cash in hand and dick on screen, who said God was ever clean?
Bible-belt ’round anglo-waist, putting sinners in their place
Yeah, right, great if you’re so good, explain the shit stains on your face

White trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy
White trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy

The man just has a way with words. :)

OMFG! LOL!

I can honestly say this really and truly made me laugh out loud. Very out loud.



The website is worth a visit. In all honesty it looks like hilarious fun! If anyone has experienced this, I need a report! It's just too good! :)




I found this in one of those coupon booklets that get dumped in the mailbox or on the doorstep... it was the doorstep today, because I was sitting outside in the sun with the dog when the guy appear and the dog scared the living shit out of him. He dropped the booklet and fled. Hehe! I usually recycle the damn things, but I opened it since I was sitting staring into space. I only noticed this ad because it was below an ad for a sex store. Yay for sex stores making me find funny shit.

yo fucknuts, you are stupid.

I sometimes do stupid things. I occasionally do very stupid things. This time I did something so incredibly stupid I can't even focus on it without my mind reeling. And the best thing about it is I feel great about it. For once I am NOT going to kick myself in the arsehole over doing something stupid, I'm absolutely happy about it.

La de fucking da for that!

I can't decide if I'm lonely or not. It's an odd sensation. I'll settle for "I might just be lonely, but not for sure." That'll make that make sense quite sensibly.

The car seems imminent, I pick it up this weekend. I don't know how I'm going to afford this... fuck me... Anyway, it looks similar to the one below, but in a turquoise colour. Turquoise is my one of my less favored colours, though it's miles ahead of yellow or god-damnable fucking burgundy. Fucking burgundy!



Last but not least, my stylist told me this wasn't really a complimentary style for me, but I think I like it. The bleaching took 4 hours and the extensions another 3. I think I'll stand out at the club.

I feel beter today...

After a week of being wound up and worn out, I feel good. I sent something in the mail to a friend today as part of an apology and as part of "we're ok, I hope we're still friends". I fixed a car issue. I washed clothes. I went to work. Not bad for a new day and a new week.

Typically, I hate Monday's... but today, not so bad at all... but I still need a hug.

men are still useless, but at least there's hope

well, beyond all expectations, I got a reply to my email and I have closure on my issues of being ignored... I do have a complex, I have to admit that... I've been in relationships of all sorts where people have just up and ignored me and/or disappeared completely, so I almost expect it nowadays... slight paranoia perhaps... ok, more than slight, it happens in every relationship... sigh... so clearing the hurdle and becoming friends with someone and moving beyond that takes some effort on my part... anyway, this time, I actually got a reply (first time ever in these damned "I'm ignoring you or I've become invisible" cases) and for the first time, I feel good ad I've gotten closure... still feel crappy in some senses, but I'm a world better... I have hope at least that they aren't all going to do exactly the same thing over and over again... that's a plus :)

bloody closure, I can't figure out why my mind demands it... it's in everything... I watch a movie or a TV show, I must see the end, even if it sucks... otherwise it bugs the hell outta me... same with a book, I have to finish it, or it drives me crazy... same thing with so many things that I do... closure, why is it so integral to my being and when I don't get it why does my mind go into spin cycle? fucking silly neurotic tendencies...

anyway, it's a new day, a new week and at least one issue is laid to rest... 473 million to go... :)

men... as useless as tits on a bull...

I'm a very casual person when it comes to relationships... friends, dates, lovers, fuckers, whatever... I take what's offered and don't demand more... as long as it's fun, as long as I'm enjoying myself, I'm usually fine with it... the unfortunate part is that every so often someone has to be rotten and mess up your mind... I believe the term is 'head games'...

when someone is completely up front about what they want and what to expect from them, and you agree that this is perfectly fine and then you build whatever type of relationship on this supposition... but then they do something completely different, what the fuck... must people be dicks?

anyway, because I internalize things, I need to vent and since I expect the recipient of my tirade below will never get the damn email or will ignore it and toss it in the recycle bin, I'm posting it here so I can feel better that I've said it and that I can remind myself that relationships of any sort aren't always pretty, and that men and woman, as nice as they may seem can be as frustrating and maddening as stepping on a nail...

my rant on email is as below:

I hope you'll at least take a minute to read this.

I was quite happy with the fact that you weren't interested in a relationship and that after a few weeks you'd grow bored with me and move on. You were very up front with that from the moment we met. Living in gay Halifax, this isn't unusual, it's the life we all live...

I was completely unprepared for being ignored without even so much as an "it was fun, now get lost". Of all the things you could have done, ignoring me was the one thing that hurts me the most. I can forgive a lot of things, but I have little tolerance for people that ignore me, it's the height of rudeness... especially when it's from someone I considered a friend. I expected more than that from you, it was very disappointing.

I won't call or email you anymore, I'm not a freaky stalker, I just wanted you to know how hurt I was and that you've upset me by being so callous. (That and I needed to vent and get this off my chest) Unfortunately, we live in a small gay world and I'll probably see you downtown, just don't expect me to smile and wave.

Take care of yourself and watch out for ***, she's fragile,
dc

May the sands of time erase the annoyance and frustration over this brief blurb in my book of life. Out out damn spot!

Forsooth!