wtf mate? what what?

I was 110% certain I had posted this link last year. I was wrong... pesky me.

This is one of my favorite flash animations of all time, entitled The End Of The World. If you haven't seen it already, enjoy.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/endofworld.html

"dude, where's your shirt?"

As it turns out, I seem to have recovered quite quickly. The damn flu went away in 24 hours, leaving mild back pains that ache every so often, but basically no other annoying symptoms.

I sent out some eCards to various folks to wish happy holidays. Most of them ones I haven't seen in a while or heard from in ages. I had the great annual debate about sending eCards to exs and/or people I've dated... it's the only part of this season I dread, as I never know what to do, but always have it on my mind. I decided this year that they already know I am thinking of them and that I wish them the best of the season, so why darken their internet doorsteps... as the saying goes, "Don't poke the bear."

I had to go pick up a few gift items or at least start my shopping today. I decided to go and get the accoutrements for making a cheesecake... my specialite is the Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake, a cheesecake of 3 wedding proposals in one evening... I never tire of that story ;)

The cheesecake will be part of my gift to my aunt and uncle, along with Rum :) Rum good... cheesecake good... homemade cheesecake to die for... yes...

Aside from that I bought a pair of jeans. I haven't bought myself any new clothes in so long I feel like a used rag with legs. The jeans were tighter than I normally wear, but the odd thing is that even though I bought a smaller size I still had enough extra room to drop down a bit more... sacre bleu! I have no delusions that this size in every jean name-brand would fit, but it felt good that one of the big name produced jeans that I thought would be too small ended up being too big :)

I had a coffee date with someone new, he's quite nice, has a great job, has sex appeal and has adopted a child of his very own. I don't know what his impression of me was, but I found him interesting. I'll have to keep an eye on this one to see what happens after the holidays.

A few of us went to Lulu tonight. We were disappointed because we were running late and missed a lot of the show... 99% of the time, the latest we arrive is during intermission... but whatever, Lulu was on fire and had me in stitches in a few moments... after the show, we were hanging in the smoking room and Lulu and Pricilla happened to share a table with us... that in and of itself was enough to make me giddy, but then along came this crazy old dude who seemed to want to profess his love [and/or lust] for Lulu to the whole world... after making an obvious impression on Lulu with his words, he produced a heart shaped rock that he had brought for her... this had a positive affect on her, as she likes/collects rocks and enjoyed such a nice gift... a drag queen that collects rocks from special places, now that's adorable! anyway, she thanked the guy, deposited the rock in her cleavage and went about her business :)

Scariness factor of said dude > High
Probability of a successful liaison with Lulu > Low
Overall entertainment factor > Extreme High

Hehe, anyway, the dude was a bit on the older side and had stripped off his shirt and undulated around the dance floor several times during the night. Having more of a 'robust' figure, the undulating wasn't condusive to keeping my beer, McCheeseburger and Chocolate milk down the ol' hatch. On more than one occasion he graced the smoking room with his presence and I had the delight of conversing with him on two occasions. Droll, very droll.

All in all, the evening was a blast and I laughed my goofy brain too pieces.

Memorable, to be sure!

1 am eternal

it is 1:20 am, I've been sick all day and slept fitfully thru a lot of it... I have to get up for work at 7am and now I can't get to sleep... argh! I have this flu that I get every few years, it's baked... I don't get stuffiness or congestion, my throat doesn't hurt, I basically get a mild fever, some chills, cold sweats... but the kicker is the severe back ache... some people complain of sore muscles with the flu, I feel like someone has take a hammer to my back... right from the top of my neck down to the backs of my knees... it all cramps up and aches and burns... copious amounts of painkillers take the edge off, but it doesn't go away and it makes comfort pretty much impossible... I remember the first time I got it when I was around 10 years old... I was in the mall shopping with my cousins and my back started seizing up and hurt like a mother fucker... I eventually had to go to the bank my mom worked in and sit and wait for her to finish work to take me home... what a nightmare... and while it doesn't come every year, it comes often enough to make me dread it... I know the symptoms and I know the feeling, no other sickness I've had is quite like it...

wah, wah, wah... quit your whining, it goes away pretty quick... the unfortunate part about this bout is that I have to work through it and because the car is still in Truro until Thursday, I've been bussing it back and forth... the bus hurts my back on a regular day, this morning on the way home I was ready to end it all and just throw myself in front of the bus...

so here I am, watching the seconds tick by, getting chills and cold sweats in succession, which is making my bed a hot/cold sweaty torture... aching in successive waves of muscle cramps and burning sensations... unable to sleep and thinking about how much fun training folks is going to be at 9am... ugh...

on a happier note, I may not have to work on the 27th, so my trip to CB for Christmas may not be an overnighter :) yay!

now, on to taking over the world! I should go talk to those 2 white rats, they are pros at that... NARF!

not delusional at all are you, not delusional at all...

fin

fate and forlorn epistles, unsent and tear stained

Never Is A Promise
- Fiona Apple

You'll never see - the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

Just for you... I couldn't find words to say what I needed to...

Beauty and the beast. (With actual punctuation in places.)

After the whole "waking up with a song in my head" thing going on, I found myself strangely attuned to everything around me. It was a very odd morning whilst I rode the bus to work and back. I was greeted by the faces of many people; happy, sad, worried, stressed (many about shopping, you could see the lists floating around in their heads...) and I was struck by how wonderfully beautiful people are. I'm a people watcher by nature, but yesterday I was awe'd at all the beauty I saw around me. It's more an intrinsic/inner beauty that I was sensing and observing. We all look at things in a way that determines what we find aesthetically pleasing and it's different for everyone. There are social generalities that we can make; people that take the time to look nice, wear nice clothes and present themselves in a favorable fashion are generally considered more beautiful than the guy that just slept in a dumpster, has spaghetti stuck to his face and holes in his clothes. The beauty I was observing was much deeper than just the shell we wear. Regardless of a persons' aesthetic beauty, their inner beauty is there shining out like a beacon for anyone to see. It's difficult to see in some people, as it clouded by things like anger, self loathing and sometimes fear... but if you look hard enough it's still there. I watched people as they got on and off the bus, or stood along the streets, or sat in their cars at stop lights and I absorbed some of this beauty. The wonder of observing the uniqueness of individuals and trying to figure out what it was I was feeling, gave me an unbelievable sense of completeness and inclusion in everything around me. At the same time, I felt like I was sitting there on my own, that no one else could see what I was sensing.

Things I saw in faces that seemed really beautiful listed in no way, shape or from: the old man struggling to carry his bag and the sense of relief he displayed at not having to walk any further; the complacent look on the bag lady's face as she asked for change for a coffee; the look of fear on the pretty woman's face as she answered her cel phone; the anger evident among people in the car that was stuck behind a oil truck filling someone's home oil tank; the joy on the face of the young mother as she told her child about where the bus was taking them; the sadness and bruised sensations emanating from the woman with the overcoat and nice shoes; the contemptible look the young man gave the old bum as he opened the bus window to dissipate the foul odor; the weariness of the two teenage girls pushing their baby carriages; the cockiness of the young man with the black leather coat as he scanned the bus for a seat; the pain on the face of the old woman as she hobbled to the front of the bus; the consternation of the girl trying to get her wheelchair through the snow at the end of the crosswalk; the joy on the face of the girl at the bus stop when she noticed her friend walking up the street towards her; the frustration of the man hopping off the bus as his connecting bus pulled away without him;

We see the beauty of the natural world around us all the time. It's too bad we often miss out on the beauty of who and what we are.

"I have the power!"

Seems it's a week for things that strike me as hilariously funny.

monday morning

Weekends
(Perishers)

You don’t know me
But I’m sitting next to you
Every morning
On the bus or on the tube

You look tired
Would it help to hear me say
Don’t you worry
Friday’s not that far away?

On the weekends
We try to get our share
Of excitement and of fresh air
Trying to forget
Who we’re gonna be
When the alarm rings
On monday morning

If in the evening
All you do is watch TV
Cause your too tired for anything else
You’re just like me

Just remember
As you struggle through the day
Relief awaits you
Friday’s not that far away

Oddly enough, I woke up with this song running through my head. I don't know who sent it to me, but it's on my iPod... so many people have been sending me miscellaneous indie/non-USmainstream music lately that I've lost track of who sent what, but whoever sent it thanks! :0 this song has such a nice feel and sound, it's yummy to wake up to...

Priceless on a dull Sunday afternoon...

Wow...

And you thought you had time on your hands? Holy tunderin' fuck...

http://www.break.com/articles/houselights.html

I am impressed, if not a little bit disturbed. It's something I'd like to try myself, but I'm sure the neighbors would have me assassinated. :)

Stultum est timere quod vitare non potes

Oh I found a place I could go,
where the sun and the moon lit the waters,
with a light so bright and so pure,
and the only thing wanting was life...

And beauty seemed like it was common,
and the seasons brought familiarity,
given all that was laid out before me,
I can't say it was more than a dream...

Given all that I found in this place,
with the roads leading every which way,
and no choices to live in this dream world,
I seek a way back to reality...

I walk towards my inevitable end,
and time passes so quickly,
and the song that I hear on the wind,
says "you will die alone, but free"

strike two

to top off an already stellar week, my plans to make a surprise visit to CB for the weekend fell apart when the car died in the middle of nowhere, about 30 minutes outside Truro... I had to laugh, it was like deja vu... any pleasant thoughts I've tried to have about anything or anyone have flown out the window... fuck this week, fuck stupid people, fuck stupid cars and fuck winter! and if you're one of the ones that have pissed me off lately, FUCK YOU TOO!

ahhhhh, that felt good :)

turkey!

A good sleep, time spent with friends and a drive in the snow certainly changes lots of thing. The holidays are just around the corner and I couldn't be happier. Work has been nowhere near as busy as I had hoped it would, so the finances aren't in the greatest of shape, but the holidays for me are all about family... so while my gifts may not be as nice as I had hoped to give, it'll be all ok... the godson and mom will be here Sunday, I'm eagerly waiting to meet the little tyke :) and given all the good things I have going for me at this time of year, my loneliness and sad thoughts have sort of drifted away... I get pangs every once in a while, but hell, I get them even when I'm dating someone, so there's nothing new here :) my new year's resolutions have been accentuated by a willingness to be a little more free with me... I always told myself at 30 I'd do things a bit differently and I have started on the right foot :) I've been a bit more careful in my eating habits and I'm nearly the same weight I was in grade 10... that for me is amazing... grade 10 I was 175... grade 12 I was 180-185... second year college I hit the 190 area and went up to 200 during my college years... when I went out west i stayed around 190-200 for most of the stay and in the past 5 years I've basically been 190-195... at my 30th birthday I told myself I'd start exercising and eating better... the exercise hasn't panned out as I had planned, though I do more physical activity than i used to... but the eating has become a lot better and over the past year I've dropped a little weight at a time until I've gotten down to 176-178 steadily... my ideal weight as calculated on several of those ideal body weight calculators is 170-175... so I'm quite happy with myself... if I keep it up I can achieve a weight around 175 and maintain it :) the next step is to solidify some of the body parts and tone a bit of the body, so I guess exercise is in the near future... the jazz dance classes may be just the answer for that... we'll see... anyway, given all that's going on in my life that's good, I have nothing to complain about after all is said and done :) tis the season to be jolly, and after careful reflection, I truly am a jolly not-so-fat man :)

mmmm :)

I Love You - Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so

One of my favorite songs of all time. I listen to it often, but on nights when I'm sad I find it soothing, if not a bit emotionally provoking. But it always speaks to me, reminding me that I'm all to often closed off and reserved to people I love and/or want to get to love me. It's been the downfall of more relationships than I care to recall, with yet another added to the list. So my New Years resolution this Jan 1st, 2006 will be to try to be more open and let people get to know who I really am. I wish it was as simple as writing it down, because it's something I've struggled with all my life.

melancholy and the infinite sadness

el dumpo... it seems my feelings for this relationship were quite far off, which really makes me question myself, I'm usually much more in tune with people and read them better... at least he was honest and told me he didn't feel any connection, even though on my part, I thought there was... all I am today is sad and tired... winter and snow and now pouring rain and getting dumped... what a rough sunday... I woke up to a dumping over MSN, but the worst part was that I had forgotten my necklace and some library movies at his place, so I had to go over and pick stuff up... le sigh, as if getting dumped isn't hard enough... even worse he was nice and even gave me one of his paintings... that was it for me... I was driving away and burst into tears and had to pull over into a snowbank to collect myself... in all the other aspects of my life I am strong and able to cope with just about anything... why does it have to be that with love I'm more fragile than rice paper... and it seems so unreal to look for people to just have something meaningful and special with... people who seem nice and that I'm attracted to end up having no interest in me on that level... I want something more than just a casual friend, I want something more than just casual sex, I want something more than just a simple person in my life, I want someone special that thinks I'm special... it's so hard to decide how to proceed, I just don't trust my instincts anymore... and without them I'm afraid that I'm just in for a long line of pain and hurt in relationships that are totally one sided... more than anything today I want to pack it all up, move to the Caribbean and live under my coconut tree... it's easy to leave the pain behind when it's not cold, snowy and miserable outside matching the feelings inside... and more than anything I want to stop being lonely and find someone who will fall in love with me... I don't think that's too much to ask...

where shall I go from here...?

As winter begins to creep closer and the days become as short as they possibly can, I find myself thinking about where I'll be in the next 5 years... The last five year plan is in crescendo and by next summer I will be in a position to reach for the apex, should all things follow along as they have been... the plan always made sense, it always seemed so much fun, it always gave me direction when I was sick of a job, or tired of being in a place, or lonely and lacking drive... but in the past six months something clicked in my head and my mindset seems different... the old plan still seems like great fun, it seems almost surreal that I might just be able to pull it off, but now I'm not sure that I want to... I have a fairly good job, that I enjoy more than any other I've had and lets me be my own boss for all intensive purposes... I enjoy this city with it's growing population and it's homeyness... I'm close to family and friends and the ocean... I think I've grown comfortable, which has never happened before... this is leading me to question where I'm heading and what I really want... should I work to make the old plan happen, give up my job, city, environment and go have a year of adventures? should I let go of my comfortable state of being and just let the wind take me wherever it will? at this point in life, do I really want to go traveling on my own? the answer to all these questions was yes for such a long time that it's weird to doubt myself and admit that I'm not so sure anymore... a new five year plan would take me to the year 2010... that's a year that back in the 80's and early 90's I used to see used as the setting for sci-fi movies... and here I am now looking at making plans to take me there... what an odd feeling, especially since I can't really make any type of plans unless I come to a decision as to what my focus should be... do I adventure abroad and set myself free to the currents of experience or do I settle down here and build something more with what I've got? either way, I will still get to travel and explore new parts of the world, I have my checklist written in my head... but there's a difference between just letting go to the whims of chance and the meticulous planning involved in traveling around the complexities of employment, home life, responsibilities and obligations... and all this is tinged with an odd feeling that I want someone to share this with, someone to make "my adventures" into "our adventures"... that feeling has been present since the summer, I have no idea why... not long ago, I ran into a friend at the club and we had a nice little conversation catching us up on the new and excitings of our lives... she asked me, "So you seeing anyone special?" I answered, "No, not right now." She smiled a bit and, knowing me well enough from years gone by, she said "So you're happily single?" I answered, "No." This threw her off a little bit, but it shocked me right to the core. Our conversation continued along, but I couldn't get past the fact I'd actually said that... I'd never even thought it to myself, let alone said it out loud. At that point, unwittingly, I had told myself the truth and it's been on my mind ever since. And therein lies the crux of the dilemma. The old plan was based on a mindset of a single man with no intentions of anything else but to have fun, adventure and explore without any hinderances, obligations or responsibilities. That doesn't fit so well anymore and like a pair of pants two sizes too small, it may have to be put aside... which then necessitates the implementation of a new plan... for the sake of balance, I need to have some sort of idea where I'm trying to go to... day to day life is the chaos I thrive on, the adventure, the uncertainty... I let daily life surprise me with new things to do, places to be, adventures to pop up out of the blue... the order I need to offset that is entrenched in the idea that I have a plan of some sort, that I'm not rudderless on the open ocean... chaos of daily life, balanced by the order of a long term vision... it's what keeps me moderately sane... six months of thinking and self ascertaining, mind crunching and this is where I am... and I'm left asking myself the question...

laughter, the best medicine

"i'm not done eating! does it take you 20 minutes to drive here?"

"oh no oh no, i wish i wasn't so high maintenance"

"i should have been getting ready hours ago!"

"what am i gonna wear!  my hair's not done!  what should i put on for a fragrance... oh i'm having a panic attack"

Just because it made me laugh my fool ass off.

visitations from a shadowy planet

what an extraordinarily enjoyable weekend I had... the original plan had been to visit cape breton and the relatives that were going to be there for a few days... after just getting the car back, paying the repair bills, having work scheduled all day friday and monday... I couldn't justify a trip there and back in two days... it worked out for the best anyhow... I ended up with a date for friday night that turned out to be fabulous... I met a wonderful guy and we shared dinner at il Mercato, a place that has now amazed me with unbelievably great food twice in a row... then we went to see a really funny play called Gay White Trash down at The Crib. I laughed my ass off... was really well done... the characters were from Pictou, and reminded me very much of lots of folks I grew up with from the island... memorable to say the least... the night finished off with a trip to Perks and nearly two hours of chatting with said wonderful guy... I admit, I was all aflutter by the time I got home amid plans for a second date the next evening, which included a movie and an evening cuddling... he's pretty dreamy... I had a nice brunch earlier in the day with a friend, and did a little tidying up, so saturday was almost perfect in its enjoyment factor... sunday was veg and relax day, finished off with a trip to Harry Potter in IMAX... well, I decided I really did like the movie after all... the way it was laid out made much more sense after seeing it the second time... and well, IMAX makes it 100 times better just by itself... all in all, a blissful weekend of fun, adventure and romance wrapped into one... if only all weekends were this good...

HOBGOBLIN!

It's an actual beer from England. On a trip to the liquor store today I saw the bottle, read the label and had to have it! It is pictured below with an advert they used that I found on their website. It made me laugh.

All in all, nice bottle, good presentation and a tasty beer. 8.5 out of ten.

there came a day when the heavens opened and a star fell to the earth... amid the silence of the skies stood a serene and serendipitous monument to the tributary of a moment inexplicably significant... but only to me... not a star, but an angel with wings spread to block out the sun and moon, blanketing the atmosphere, dark within night... and I stood alone, looking upon it and it took me up within its arms and smiled

Ho, ho, ho!

Actually, we're none of us ho's, we're just happy in an elvish way. Heehee! The pictures were taken at the Parade of Lights a week or so ago, we all stood down on Spring Garden Road in Halifax and nearly fell into a flower bed. Tres amusant.



I'm so elfy!



Here it looks like someone is ticking my testicles. What an odd expression... Truth be told, Alanna's camera had a double flash on it, so Mark and I kept thinking it had taken the picture, but the joke was on us! We looked funny in all the photos, it fooled us every time.

The car is working, I picked it up yesterday. Thank fuck. It runs as well as it did before it's breakdown... which means it still has a bad clutch, the rattle in the engine is still loud and it gained a squeaky belt. But it goes from point A to point B. That's the main thing.

Went with Todd, Mark and Alanna last night to see the documentary WAL-MART: The High Cost of Low Price. I thought it was quite good and it shed some light on the real infamy of the corporation. It was extremely one sided, but considering Walmart spends so much on its marketing campaigns to make itself look good, I think this was a nice balance to all the crap on TV. It's definitely worth watching just to see what Walmart really does to small town life. WATCH IT NOW!! OR ELSE!! Heehee.