Thursday, April 26, 2007
tickets please!
fuck april has been an odd and long month... ups and downs, lefts and rights, and then some sideways shit that I did not even see where it came from... I think destiny has her strings twisted and I am the sucker getting pulled away from the lee-side into the maelstrom... twenty one days of being sick, preluded by two weeks with a sore throat... I feel lucky it was not anything worse, but it has taken its toll on my physical well being and my mental health... last night was the first night since the eighth of the month that I have not coughed myself to sleep... mutha fucka... my planned vacation/getaway/break/birthday weekend at the beginning of the month was spent sick and in bed, resulting in a less than ideal mental state and a sense of disheartened pessimism... I am unfamiliar with that sensation, it was something new and something uninvited... I hope it goes away, it still lingers... my friend and childhood neighbor lost her fiancee in Afghanistan on Easter sunday... I used to babysit her and her sister when they were pre-schoolers... it was so sad to see her and her family suffer... Easter morning she was at church with my parents and she had asked them to sing at their wedding... eight hours later, she found out he was gone... very depressing... I got to see her and the family last week at the wake, damn what a tough thing to do... I am rarely at a loss for words, but at a wake I am unable to say anything coherent... thank fuck they know me, otherwise I would have looked quite the fool... four days of sunshine have made it almost summer-like, but the forecast is for five days of rain... I normally love rain, but I am not in a rain-liking mood lately, I want warm summer breezes and cool evenings for a while... the world seems cloudy and I don't need literal clouds on the horizon right now... the worst thing is an overwhelming sensation akin to the feeling you have when you have missed the bus, but have not yet realized or accepted it... you stand there waiting, letting the knowledge sink in as the moments go by... what a miserable feeling... everything seems to be clouding my judgement... my intuitive side, that all my life has shown me the path ahead with some degree of clarity, seems to have gone blank... I cannot trust instinct without intuition, I may as well just strip naked and go hunt with wild dogs in that case... the path is irrelevant then, which perhaps it is right now... I just do not know... I think I need to sleep and make these stupid thoughts go away... I know I'm not a sinking ship, but no one thought Titanic would sink either...
Friday, April 13, 2007
ze itty bitty paradigm shift that made all the difference to me
sometimes our outlook on the world can change and it makes everything seem different.
sometimes how we look at ourselves changes and it makes everything seem different.
I was unhappy with myself and one day, out of the blue, my view of myself changed in a split second. I gave myself a righteous kick in the ass and set out to change something in my life, namely 'me'. I feel good about that.
I spent Thursday evening visiting with Colin and we sat and talked for a few hours about life and miscellaneous stuff and most importantly, about the two of us. For a change, I wasn't a can of clams... I was open and talked about me, my feelings and my hopes concerning the two of us. It was a good talk and long overdue. I think we both got something really good out of it. Since we broke up, we've actually gotten closer and our friendship has benefitted. Truth be known, I want more than friendship... and after my self improvement and our conversation last night, I feel good about the fact we both agree that it is a possibility. No one knows the future, but at least now it's something that is a possibility; if we hadn't talked about it, I would never have known and never had the chance to express myself. The was the old me in a nutshell. We came to the conclusion that we will go on as we have been, as friends, and depending on how things go we'll evaluate that possibility down the road and see what happens. I am happy.
All in all, after a difficult and fatiguing week, it was a very enjoyable outcome. I feel like I've grown as a person.
All this on a day that my hair was so bad I had to wear a baseball cap. Hehe!
sometimes how we look at ourselves changes and it makes everything seem different.
I was unhappy with myself and one day, out of the blue, my view of myself changed in a split second. I gave myself a righteous kick in the ass and set out to change something in my life, namely 'me'. I feel good about that.
I spent Thursday evening visiting with Colin and we sat and talked for a few hours about life and miscellaneous stuff and most importantly, about the two of us. For a change, I wasn't a can of clams... I was open and talked about me, my feelings and my hopes concerning the two of us. It was a good talk and long overdue. I think we both got something really good out of it. Since we broke up, we've actually gotten closer and our friendship has benefitted. Truth be known, I want more than friendship... and after my self improvement and our conversation last night, I feel good about the fact we both agree that it is a possibility. No one knows the future, but at least now it's something that is a possibility; if we hadn't talked about it, I would never have known and never had the chance to express myself. The was the old me in a nutshell. We came to the conclusion that we will go on as we have been, as friends, and depending on how things go we'll evaluate that possibility down the road and see what happens. I am happy.
All in all, after a difficult and fatiguing week, it was a very enjoyable outcome. I feel like I've grown as a person.
All this on a day that my hair was so bad I had to wear a baseball cap. Hehe!
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