oh, those glasses

If I was to become a woman, I would be Daria.

If her inner bitch and my inner bitch met, they'd either kill each other or bond for life.

I am a cartoon freak, I love, love, love cartoons. Animated television is so fantastic! But as much as I enjoy the myriad of shows out there, Daria is my favorite. It's the only animated show that consistently makes me think to myself, "Yeah, that could be me."

I have no ambitions toward becoming a woman or a cartoon character. But damn, I enjoy that show.


Ahem... hmm... I gotta say that if Jane and Trent were somehow to be converted into real life people, I'd be the happiest person alive. The physical characteristics and style drawn into their characters are what I like in my real life guys and girls. I like my girls a little boyish, and my boys a little girlish. And Jane's persona is just what I like in datable materials. If I could meet a couple that looked and acted a bit like Jane and Trent (minus the brother/sister thing, I'm not down with that type of thing...) I'd bow down before them and offer to be their cabana boi for life.

Outpost Daria is a great place for aspiring Daria fanatics.

On a side note, I heard through the grapevine that the boi with the gorgeous eyes didn't call because the day after I met him, he had an encounter with a guy he's been pining over* for quite some time and they got together. Xbah! Well, I can't begrudge him that one, I hope it works out well for him. But at least I now know, which always better than just wondering "why?"

Perhaps we'll meet again. But I'm no longer thinking about it.
*sigh* Those eyes... *smile*

(*direct quote from the source! my friends are so gay... *grin*)

my own superhighway

I decided being stuck in the rotary was no good and took an off ramp onto my own personal superhighway. I feel good. Sorta. Maybe.

I applied to a company in my hometown for employment. Move home. I made a decision, to make the attempt. I think I regret it already, but now I know that I can try. I'm so fed up with being rudderless that I have to do something, and I think that if they would hire me, then I would at least have a place to start. The antithesis of it all is that the job I applied for is another step down the ladder, I'm overqualified and I'd take another pay cut. But it would be home, where my heart is, so I can live with that. This step is a bandaid; if I am staying here, if they choose not to hire me, then I have to look for a new apartment, look for a new job, look for a new lover, look for a life here in this city, something I have been avoiding for the past few months. I have been unable to figure out what I want, so starting to build a life here has been impossible. I know that it sounds silly, but I decided to try going home because of a nice guy that never called. Not really him, it's just the whole thing affected me to much, so I know that I'm not stable, I know I'm too shaky, it's not something I'm used to feeling, and the combination of insecurity and lostness has forced me to make a move, whatever that is going to be. Money problems are looming, I'm paying out more than I take in, even if I budget myself well, and my years of college spending and carefree credit card carousing are coming back to bite me in the ass. The plan. I want the plan to work, five years and get rid of this debt. But can I live, not living, for five years. Not a chance. Plan or no plan, money or no money, pretending to live won't work. I do things, whether it costs me an arm and a leg financially, I just do things. Money sucks. Being financially irresponsible sucks worse. So here I sit, at work, where I don't really want to be, looking for work, where I think I want to be, but not sure, trying to think about where I should live, and if I do stay here how I can afford it, working at a new job that I can't find as of yet, trying to live. Hmm. Xbah!

Our lotto pool won 2,200 dollars last week. We each got $240 and change. It was sweet. It went so fast I hardly knew I had it. And I planned on paying bills with it to catch me up with anything overdue... instead I bought shirts. And a tanning package upgrade. And other junk. And I would have bought and $80 jacket and $40 bathrobe too, but my common sense kicked in finally. The little shopping trip was fun, I needed that, but damn, does that make any sense? I think I may just be a bit depressed. Odd for me, but the mood is definitely not on the upper side of things lately. Luckily it's been balanced by some good times with friends and family. But where do we go from here?

blurry visions in drag

No, I wasn't in drag... the lady at karaoke was. *smile* Last week was nuts and today I'm under the weather. An ex is visiting the city, but I have yet to see her. Another is coming to stay with me in August for a few days while she does the touristy thing with her friend. Interesting developments. I was home visiting the folks all weekend. And yesterday I had such bad sinus problems, that today I'm a wreck. And the problems are starting up again. Oh, allergy season is SO much fun.

Last week, Buddha came for a visit. So I was out every night. I'm still tired. It was Pride Week here too, so while I didn't get very involved (best friend visiting gets priority) we went with friends to karaoke at another gay bar. It was fantastic, we had great fun. I got up and did Bootylicious with my friend Matt. We sucked shit, but it was memorable. And everyone got up to dance for our song, they'd been seated all night. Heehee, we rocked the joint. Buddha and Richard tried to duet a Jewel song, they got up on stage and when the music started they argued about who was going to sing first. This went on for 30 seconds (an eternity in karaoke time) and they were only saved when Buddha's little sister jumped up, grabbed a mic and took over. She was loaded and was most definitely the life of the party. Ahh, memories... Did I mention I hate karaoke? I really do, but a few drinks and I get into it and go a little wild.

The real reason the night was great for me, I met a really nice guy with abfab eyes. Deep brown with a really obvious sparkle, I was instantly entranced. And sexy all round too... What a hottie! Point, I sat down with my friends and he was sitting on the next couch, so we started chatting and I enjoyed his company all evening. When it came time to leave, he asked for my number and I happily obliged. I wanted to go dancing with him *so* badly but the girls were ready to go.

That was a great night. Unfortunately, nearly a week later, I have squat to show for it. *sigh* No call. No email. I gave him both, though he only wrote the number down. (But he programmed it into his phone, so hopefully it wasn't lost) How disappointing, I really wanted to get to know him better. I really wanted to see if he was datable. I really wanted to stare into his eyes while we made love on a sandy beach. Well, maybe that's pushing things a bit, but my mind is wandering today, and since I'm feeling sick, happy fantasies are just helpful. Hmm... Since my last boytoy stopped calling a few months ago I've been moping about guys and girls, and haven't been very interested in meeting new people. It was great to meet someone new and who was interested. It sucks to not have any way to follow up. Sigh, he was soooo cute too. Disappointed and wanting someone to cuddle up to. Bah! Suck it up princess!

Since my brain seems to be shutting down, and I can't keep coherent, I think I'll put my head down on my desk and procrastinate. Fuck working, when I feel this crappy, it's a challenge just to stay awake and at work. Mais oui?

blurred

My outlook of the world is usually that of it being an enormous painting made up of millions of colours, constantly being added to, adjusted, brightened and darkened as days go by... lately it as if someone took their hand and wiped it across the wet canvass, smearing the paint and colours together... the world is blurred...

I read over my last few thoughts and I sound decidedly grim... truly, while I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, things are still good and I should try to sound less whiney. My mood swings have been odd lately, more frequent, but less drastic...

Home is my haven. I have been travelling home to visit the folks a lot. I've gone the past two weekends, and every other weekend for two months before that. I contemplated going home tonight, just for the hell of it. And again next weekend. My mom called and she's coming here for the weekend to visit my uncle. So I'll be staying here this weekend, and I'll go visit my relatives and my mummy. And I can still go home next weekend. Yay! But, the decision remains, should I just move home? They'd be happy to give me a room until I found an apartment in the city... but should I leave here? I feel like I just got here... it's only been nine months... I'm really confused on this point more than anything else. I just don't know what I want to do... worse, there are few options for employment at home, while the job market is much bigger here... I refuse to move anywhere to work for peanuts in a demeaning job of any sort... no matter how dull and dreary my current job may be, it's not demeaning or disgusting. Bah, silly brain tangents.

So the big choice is not such a choice after all. If I was to move home, I would need to find work first. As that's near impossible, I am stuck here. Is that what I want? I'll be damned if I know... The thing that gets it all is that the 4 .5 hour drive that I love means that in either place, the other is still accessible at any time. So, whatever the case, I get the best of both worlds. So now, I have to decide. And because I don't know what I want, I don't know how to decide. And after weighing all my options, I'm as dazed and confused as ever.

Good thing I'm happy, otherwise I'd probably be insane by now.

blink

I have given a name to my pain and it is Batman.
- Jack Nicholson as The Joker, Batman

I am lost.

Rudderless, lacking direction, without a guiding force, unmotivated...

I haven't had even the slightest desire to write anything lately, here or elsewhere, as I can't think. My mind went on hiatus. Siesta. I lack any type of focus, and life is all wound up around indecision and meaningless thought patterns. I am regretting my latest decision, to accept a full time position at the office... no more term position on contract, but a full fledged employee. I want to turn and run, screaming... and I don't know why.

My only thoughts lately have been to pack up and move to my hometown and find a job there... but I really want to make things work here... but these are just thoughts, my main problem is I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I want to do it...

So, my head is spinning and I'm getting worn out from over thinking everything, and being lost.

I need something, but what?

my brain really doesn't flip flop from tangent to tangent, really, i mean it...

I went out with an old friend last eve. We went to karaoke at a local gay club, which in and of itself is quite entertaining. I had the pleasure of meeting his roommate, an abfab girl who is as pleasant as day. One of those people you instantly like without even trying. And she had gorgeous blue eyes! It was too loud for anything except chitchat, but I spent the evening happily looking into her eyes whenever I got a chance to talk to her. Nothing on any level except two people just introduced, and she's gay so no sexual undertones, but her eyes absolutely twinkled and smiled. I was dazzled all night long. Sigh, I know it's sad to say, but I enjoyed her company moreso than the old friend I hadn't seen in half a year. I could rant on about her and her spectacular eyes for pages, but I'll shut off the brain spewage and suffice it to say that her eyes and her smile made me happy. The world is made a little better because of special people like her.

so i sit here early in the day, wondering about what to do next, there's many options, hmm, i am flat broke now, every cent i have is already spoken for so i guess it's less food for the week, but i have to make some decisions about what i want to do, i am completely bored with my job, nothing else seems to be popping up, the money i am making isn't enough to cover all my expenses, though i have been wasting money so it's my own bloody fault, mostly because i have been travelling home too often, my friend will not be moving home in the fall as expected, she was given a promotion and a raise so she wants to stay at least until spring, so now i have to find a new place to live and take care of the cats which are now staying at her parents house until i can take them, hmm, and i keep paying to go home and visit the folks, trips home that aren't that expensive, but when you add them all together, maybe i'm following my heart, i know that's where i want to be eventually, but is now the time? i don't think it is, but if i was to get work there, then what would or could happen? to be totally honest i don't have a fucking clue what really want, i know today i want to crawl under my blankets and go back to bed and ignore the world for a day or two, and i would but i can't afford it right now, the worst case scenario is i run screaming out of the office and claim mental instability and ask for compensation, but that wouldn't pay the bills either, and my wonderful plans for a few years down the road, what will happen to them? i want to go travel, and if i keep paying my bills as i am now, in five years i'll have everything paid off, nothing to really show for it except some great experiences, but financial freedom of a sort, and the freedom to go do stuff without worrying about what i left behind, excess baggage, and right now i can pay all my bills, if i choose not to eat much and do absolutely nothing except work, sleep and surf the net, but i can't do that, i need to get out, go have cocktails with friends, go for coffee, go to the movies, go shopping, go to dinner, argh, so many things i want, but don't want, but do, but can't, but should and haven't, my brain is starting to stop its spewing of random thoughts and the annoying miasma of uncertainty swirling round in my brain is starting to settle, but now i'm left glum and discontented, unsatisfied because i lack focus right now, and clueless as to where i'll be three months from now, and wondering just what i'm going to do

Poor Pinchy

Lobster. Bought right of the boat. Cooked by daddio in the POT. Best $30 I've spent in ages. Drool. Ocean's Gold. In my tummy. Yummy. And the family and friends around the table. Priceless. Screw credit cards, we should trade in lobster currency.

I applied for a job recently. In the ad they did not say what the company was, but it sounded like a decent job. I was contacted to be interviewed, at which time I found out the employer and the job details. It was fabulous! Just what I wanted to do, for a company I wanted to work for! I was so excited! I had a good interview and crossed my fingers. Unfortunately, I wasn't picked. Normally this doesn't bother me, as I usually apply for jobs that get 100's of applicants and getting the interview is usually great luck. But this job was something I really wanted. I really really wanted to work there... so I'm totally bummed out over it... but there's nothing I can do except continue the job hunt... Blah.

One ex is coming to visit sometime this month. Another is coming in August. Both I consider friends, but they are still ex's. And call me a dirty dawg, or an idiot or both, I'd sleep with either of them in an instant. It would be the stupidest thing I could *possibly* do, and it's like 99.9% "never gonna happen"... BUT, if that .01% chance ever popped up, I'd jump the opportunity faster than you could say "whoa boy". Why? Because I'm a man and I think with my dick? Nope. Because I'd like a wild fuck just for fun? Maybe. Because I'd like to lose myself in the touch, scent and sexual pleasure of these two people that I got intimate with on both a physical, mental and spiritual level? Sigh, most definitely yes. Yes, yes, yes. Fucking attachment issues... But why let go when nothing makes you let go? Common sense? Fuck that. Doing the right thing? Fuck that. Thinking about the future and not living for the moment? Fuck that. And fuck me. Please? I can say this with the steadfast assurance that either of these two would not let me touch them with a ten foot pole, if I was the last chance of a fuck in their entire lives. *smile* You see, they are both smart, practical people, that use their heads, not their hearts, when making decisions about stupid situations. Thankfully I can depend on them to never give me the opportunity to screw things up so badly. So I can happily meet them both, smiling with the memories of the past interfering not at all, except in my dreams at night when nothing counts and mistakes fade away with the morning.