so i sit here early in the day, wondering about what to do next, there's many options, hmm, i am flat broke now, every cent i have is already spoken for so i guess it's less food for the week, but i have to make some decisions about what i want to do, i am completely bored with my job, nothing else seems to be popping up, the money i am making isn't enough to cover all my expenses, though i have been wasting money so it's my own bloody fault, mostly because i have been travelling home too often, my friend will not be moving home in the fall as expected, she was given a promotion and a raise so she wants to stay at least until spring, so now i have to find a new place to live and take care of the cats which are now staying at her parents house until i can take them, hmm, and i keep paying to go home and visit the folks, trips home that aren't that expensive, but when you add them all together, maybe i'm following my heart, i know that's where i want to be eventually, but is now the time? i don't think it is, but if i was to get work there, then what would or could happen? to be totally honest i don't have a fucking clue what really want, i know today i want to crawl under my blankets and go back to bed and ignore the world for a day or two, and i would but i can't afford it right now, the worst case scenario is i run screaming out of the office and claim mental instability and ask for compensation, but that wouldn't pay the bills either, and my wonderful plans for a few years down the road, what will happen to them? i want to go travel, and if i keep paying my bills as i am now, in five years i'll have everything paid off, nothing to really show for it except some great experiences, but financial freedom of a sort, and the freedom to go do stuff without worrying about what i left behind, excess baggage, and right now i can pay all my bills, if i choose not to eat much and do absolutely nothing except work, sleep and surf the net, but i can't do that, i need to get out, go have cocktails with friends, go for coffee, go to the movies, go shopping, go to dinner, argh, so many things i want, but don't want, but do, but can't, but should and haven't, my brain is starting to stop its spewing of random thoughts and the annoying miasma of uncertainty swirling round in my brain is starting to settle, but now i'm left glum and discontented, unsatisfied because i lack focus right now, and clueless as to where i'll be three months from now, and wondering just what i'm going to do