friends or friends
Can you ever be true friends with an EX? Is it friends with your EX or being friendly towards your EX?
Xbah! I'm generalizing... and I sound like I'm narrating Sex and the City.
Pardon me while I go kick myself.
*kick*
My last entry made me think of this... I don't know if there's a real answer... but I always believe it is possible. Sigh, sometimes optimism makes life painful.
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Upon closer inspection, these are loafers
I happen to like my shoes, they are quite comfortable.
I don't always like being in my shoes.
I had intended to tell my visiting ex that I was bi. I was waiting for her to return home and I wanted to write her a letter about it, blah blah I blogged this a week ago... Anyway, I did not write the letter. A little incident the night before she left made me rethink it.
I enjoyed her visit, it was fun, but it made me realize why we broke up two years ago. All the reasons were in my face again and while we are friends and such, the reality that I would go mad being her boyfriend sunk in. Like everyone else, I have people I am compatible with in a 'friend' way, but not in a 'lover/boyorgirlfriend/deeplydevotedrelationship' way. We have fun together and I am very attracted to her physically and mentally, but we clash. Clash not good, clash make me stress, clash drive me batty. No clash. *smile*
We were camping that last night, three of us. Her friend and travelling companion was there. After playing cards and chatting a while, we settled down to go to sleep. (They teased me about wearing tighty-whiteys, which was wierd because I had black boxer-briefs on... go figure... but we were going to sleep in a fun and light hearted mood.. or so I thought...) After about ten minutes, my ex made several rather nasty comments in a mean tone of voice. They were about me, two years ago. I looked at her for a sec, said "mmhmm", and promptly rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and couldn't recall what she had said, only that it wasn't nice. As per the plan, we parted ways, they finished their trip and flew back home.
I was miffed about her comments that night and it bothered me. It was right out of the blue, in front of her friend, who I didn't know very well, and just before we were all going to sleep. Wierd wierd wierd.
I had one chore to do. I had camping equipment they borrowed from another friend in the city. Because they were finishing their trip, I was to return it. I called the owner and got his voicemail, so I left a message stating he could call me and let me know when to stop by, and I would drop his equipment off. He didn't call, and three days later I got an email from my ex, "frustrated" that I hadn't dropped of this guys equipment that they had "promised" would be returned immediately. Sigh. Typical.
I had her comments on my mind the days after she left and this "frustrated" thing really pissed me off. So after all was said and done, I'm wasn't really in any sort of a mindset to write anything to her. I wrote a terse two line email saying I dropped of his stuff and that was it. She wrote back and apologized for jumping the gun when she didn't know both sides of the story.
So I just let it slide and I'm glad I did. When I thought about it, even though she's a friend and I wanted to be honest with her, she's the past and wading back there isn't the best thing I could do with my life right now. Instead of sweeping away the cobwebs, I grabbed a DustBuster and vacuumed them up, and emptied the whole pile into a bin labeled "Not worth my time right now."
And that, as they say, is that.
I happen to like my shoes, they are quite comfortable.
I don't always like being in my shoes.
I had intended to tell my visiting ex that I was bi. I was waiting for her to return home and I wanted to write her a letter about it, blah blah I blogged this a week ago... Anyway, I did not write the letter. A little incident the night before she left made me rethink it.
I enjoyed her visit, it was fun, but it made me realize why we broke up two years ago. All the reasons were in my face again and while we are friends and such, the reality that I would go mad being her boyfriend sunk in. Like everyone else, I have people I am compatible with in a 'friend' way, but not in a 'lover/boyorgirlfriend/deeplydevotedrelationship' way. We have fun together and I am very attracted to her physically and mentally, but we clash. Clash not good, clash make me stress, clash drive me batty. No clash. *smile*
We were camping that last night, three of us. Her friend and travelling companion was there. After playing cards and chatting a while, we settled down to go to sleep. (They teased me about wearing tighty-whiteys, which was wierd because I had black boxer-briefs on... go figure... but we were going to sleep in a fun and light hearted mood.. or so I thought...) After about ten minutes, my ex made several rather nasty comments in a mean tone of voice. They were about me, two years ago. I looked at her for a sec, said "mmhmm", and promptly rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and couldn't recall what she had said, only that it wasn't nice. As per the plan, we parted ways, they finished their trip and flew back home.
I was miffed about her comments that night and it bothered me. It was right out of the blue, in front of her friend, who I didn't know very well, and just before we were all going to sleep. Wierd wierd wierd.
I had one chore to do. I had camping equipment they borrowed from another friend in the city. Because they were finishing their trip, I was to return it. I called the owner and got his voicemail, so I left a message stating he could call me and let me know when to stop by, and I would drop his equipment off. He didn't call, and three days later I got an email from my ex, "frustrated" that I hadn't dropped of this guys equipment that they had "promised" would be returned immediately. Sigh. Typical.
I had her comments on my mind the days after she left and this "frustrated" thing really pissed me off. So after all was said and done, I'm wasn't really in any sort of a mindset to write anything to her. I wrote a terse two line email saying I dropped of his stuff and that was it. She wrote back and apologized for jumping the gun when she didn't know both sides of the story.
So I just let it slide and I'm glad I did. When I thought about it, even though she's a friend and I wanted to be honest with her, she's the past and wading back there isn't the best thing I could do with my life right now. Instead of sweeping away the cobwebs, I grabbed a DustBuster and vacuumed them up, and emptied the whole pile into a bin labeled "Not worth my time right now."
And that, as they say, is that.
time keeps on slippin'
In three days I will be home. Yaahoo!! Whatever the outcome, my decision was made and acted on, and now I have some direction. Interesting, if nothing else...
I sit here at work, with two days left once I leave here this evening. Noone has been hired to replace me as of yet, so my only way to really help he/she/it that takes over, is to document the job as clearly as possible. This is not fun. As with any job, there are a million trivialities, stupid little things that you need to know to make things work as they should... the hard part is choosing which ones to put down in writing to best help he/she/it... It's tedious, boring, and fruitless labour, because no matter how well I document the position, there are things he/she/it has to figure out on their own. It's a catch 22 in some ways..
But I digress... My time here is at an end and I am happy. The co-workers have been the joy of this workplace and I will miss them. The stereotypes and the prejudices I can live without... but we have managed to co-exist and become friends in this little office, so upon leaving, I will miss them.
I return home to 1) work full-time and 2) finish my BA at university.
The dichotomy I face on returning home: the university is very open-minded and tolerant, whereas the workforce is not. I go back to school, knowing that being queer on campus is generally accepted and the people there are mostly younger than me, and many have healthy attitudes towards sexual diversity. The workforce is mostly older than me and is not very accepting of sexual deviants. So, while I have no intention of going wild and wearing a huge banner that reads "I'm BI! I like girls and guys!", I am not sure where I will draw the line in my activities and actions, on campus, at the workplace, and in the community in general.
As always, "I tell who I want, when I want!", about my sexuality, and that will never change. But I'm not sure how to achieve balance between these three things. I want to get involved in the queer society on campus. I want to get involved in the local les/gay community group. I want to wear my pride ring and earrings when I feel like it, where I feel like it. On the flipside, I'm not ready to tell my family, and I know that the general population, especially those older than I, are very intolerant of queers.
So my mind is in a bit of a fog as I ponder what my next steps will be. For fun I applied to a job *at* the university. It would be exciting to work there while I go back to school. I am underqualified and I don't even expect to get a callback, but it made me smile to think about it. Working in a place of higher learning, has always been a treat for me... and the concept is exciting. Unfortunately, the reason I'm going to school there is so that jobs like the one I applied for will be no longer out of my reach. Yet another catch 22... for now. Finish degree, be qualified, terrorize the unsuspecting fools that look for employees, with a piece of paper that makes me eligible to those fussy HR departments. Heehee.
ramble ramble ramble
So I prepare to leave, prepare to start again in my home community, and prepare to adjust to small town life again. As in the past, I hold a shield made of all my strongest qualities to help succeed... but I wonder if anyone will notice that this time there's a little rainbow painted on it.
In three days I will be home. Yaahoo!! Whatever the outcome, my decision was made and acted on, and now I have some direction. Interesting, if nothing else...
I sit here at work, with two days left once I leave here this evening. Noone has been hired to replace me as of yet, so my only way to really help he/she/it that takes over, is to document the job as clearly as possible. This is not fun. As with any job, there are a million trivialities, stupid little things that you need to know to make things work as they should... the hard part is choosing which ones to put down in writing to best help he/she/it... It's tedious, boring, and fruitless labour, because no matter how well I document the position, there are things he/she/it has to figure out on their own. It's a catch 22 in some ways..
But I digress... My time here is at an end and I am happy. The co-workers have been the joy of this workplace and I will miss them. The stereotypes and the prejudices I can live without... but we have managed to co-exist and become friends in this little office, so upon leaving, I will miss them.
I return home to 1) work full-time and 2) finish my BA at university.
The dichotomy I face on returning home: the university is very open-minded and tolerant, whereas the workforce is not. I go back to school, knowing that being queer on campus is generally accepted and the people there are mostly younger than me, and many have healthy attitudes towards sexual diversity. The workforce is mostly older than me and is not very accepting of sexual deviants. So, while I have no intention of going wild and wearing a huge banner that reads "I'm BI! I like girls and guys!", I am not sure where I will draw the line in my activities and actions, on campus, at the workplace, and in the community in general.
As always, "I tell who I want, when I want!", about my sexuality, and that will never change. But I'm not sure how to achieve balance between these three things. I want to get involved in the queer society on campus. I want to get involved in the local les/gay community group. I want to wear my pride ring and earrings when I feel like it, where I feel like it. On the flipside, I'm not ready to tell my family, and I know that the general population, especially those older than I, are very intolerant of queers.
So my mind is in a bit of a fog as I ponder what my next steps will be. For fun I applied to a job *at* the university. It would be exciting to work there while I go back to school. I am underqualified and I don't even expect to get a callback, but it made me smile to think about it. Working in a place of higher learning, has always been a treat for me... and the concept is exciting. Unfortunately, the reason I'm going to school there is so that jobs like the one I applied for will be no longer out of my reach. Yet another catch 22... for now. Finish degree, be qualified, terrorize the unsuspecting fools that look for employees, with a piece of paper that makes me eligible to those fussy HR departments. Heehee.
ramble ramble ramble
So I prepare to leave, prepare to start again in my home community, and prepare to adjust to small town life again. As in the past, I hold a shield made of all my strongest qualities to help succeed... but I wonder if anyone will notice that this time there's a little rainbow painted on it.
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