Does happiness have a pricetag?

Yes and no and maybe, depending on what type of happiness one is looking for, how happy one wants to be and where that happiness is located.

There are many things I would like to do that I would be happy doing, but they pay very poorly. There are many things I am good at that pay very well but make me miserable. There are a few that would give me some happiness and a decent wage. I can find lots from Group A, some from Group B, but Group C eludes me... this has been the story of my life for five years now.

The one thing I am certain of is that as soon as I choose something from Group A or B, something from Group C will pop up. Because I will have just made a commitment to something else, I will feel obligated to not go for it.

le sigh

And thus, happiness is reduced to a mock experiment conducted in the laboratory of my life.

Pheh

Twelve resumes in the past two weeks and not a single nibble. Pheh, people suck! Or maybe I do... well, I guess I do, but not in that sense... I'm getting a sore brain from reformatting my resume and cover letters, but at least I'm getting them done. I once again thought seriously about applying with Carnival Cruiselines and spending a year traveling the oceans of the Caribbean. Maybe I'd find my coconut tree and mark my spot while I'm there. Tempting, very tempting. My car has an exhaust problem so that needs to be fixed sometime soon, but I don't want to spend the money without more coming in to replace it. Hmm, the next month will be interesting.

The movie Taking Lives was my entertainment for the day. It was better than I expected, but not great. The end was different, but a little bit predictable. I was happy to see Tchéky Karyo in the movie. I think he's very sexy and remembered him from The Patriot a few years ago, and Addicted to Love back in 1997. He looks great in Taking Lives, even better than he did in that suave French military uniform next to Mel Gibson. Yummy. And of course Angelina and Ethan are nice eye candy too, especially the part where they get it on... a bisexual's dream come true *smile* Eye candy good, predictability bad.

Bewitched an Enchantress

Heard from afar, "Come to me darling,
The morning is bright, the new day is here.
I see you are lonely, I want so to hold you,
Concern fills me deeply to see you in tears."

Echoes of angels, high over rooftops,
Fall into the alleys where my mind is unclear.
The walls rise around me, there are no doors or exits,
Only bricks stacked in layers, to encompass my fears.

"Lift yourself love, doubt not your heart,
You have the power." I cannot see where
I must walk to escape this, a prison of loneliness,
A journey companionless, shall be mine to bear.

Anointed in blood are these walls hung with shackles.
Fare thee well love, I no longer care.

untitled

Look to the sky, beyond the boundaries of this world,
Find the place most far from within,
Take the smallest piece of self, weigh it on a universal scale,
Feel the universe collapse and end, taking you with it,
Beyond what we see, beyond what we know,
Beyond even the limits of all imagination,
Fools are we that walk along, forgetting that this is not ours, but theirs,
This is not us, but them, we cannot be if we are not,
Stars there are aplenty, but their number pales beside ours,
Ownership does not mean to have, but to embrace,
Fire in the sky is all I see, bound by stars and neverending emotions,
To touch your face would end all things, blind me and bind me,
Bring me to my knees,
And all will be pain and forgetfulness, until I own you, embrace you, end you,
Thus the end comes as foreseen, in shadow and mire,
Darkness and forgotten fire,
Bring to me your love, so that I might break your will,
Destiny brings colours and shades, each will end, each will burn,
One by one we will find our end, watch as you end,
The end is all that is left to us.

Come to me love, I am ready to end you,
Speak to me love, my power shall render you senseless and helpless,
And I will die, and you live on forgetting the fool that owned you and lost you for lack of love.

Bless you Google

A quick followup on my last post. I had Google'd 'Ben Wa ball chime' to see what styles and prices there were on the internet in Ben Wa balls land. As always, if anything looks even mildly interesting, I click it to see what it is and where it goes...

I don't know how I ended up at this site, but I had clicked a few different things and didn't bother looking back. It has the funniest thing written about of diarrhea I've ever read in my life. I laughed and I laughed! So, without further ado...

You can certainly hold in a well-formed crap with your sphincter muscles, but with diarrhea it's like shaking up a bottle of soda and then trying very gingerly to twist off the cap.

You can never have too many Ben Wa balls

Alrighty then ...

For the record, I prefer the ones with the little chimes in them. Technically speaking, I guess they would be called relaxation or meditation balls. Since I don't have vaginal muscles to strengthen, the Ben Wa variety doesn't really provide a direct benefit to me... sooooo I'll stick with the little jingley jangley ones and be happy. I've actually lost mine, so perhaps I'll go get me a new set someday soon. Or find a lady willing to share hers.

And an amusing Ben Wa letter to Sasha at the Montreal Mirror.

The field mouse

Today was a two movie day. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind in the theatre and then 21 Grams at home on a rental. What a mindfuck all that turned out to be...

Both movies are rather surreal and follow no flowing timeline, but jump all over the place. Both are make-you-think movies. Both have really off the wall camera angles and filming techniques. Both of them rock.

Eternal Sunshine did a number on my head. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt terror. A split second of mind numbing terror. This is very uncharacteristic for me and it really made for an interesting day. The cause was not a particular scene in the movie, but a scene played out in my own mind, as if I was in a situation like the lead character. Joel, played by Jim Carrey, makes a decision to have some of his memories erased. During the procedure he changes his mind, but cannot stop the erasing. That's where my mind went on a little tangent. I pictured myself in a situation like that where people were stealing my memories from me and I was helpless to stop it. I have a gluttonous lust for experiences and I store them in a cast iron box deep inside my mind so that they can't be lost. The simple thought of someone stealing them so I would never be able to recollect my experiences or even know I had them dropped my mind right into an icy bucket of water and a chill went right up my spine. That all happened in under a few seconds, but what a rush. The rest of the movie tripped me out, but I've been thinking about my own little mind-movie since I left the theatre. Watching 21 Grams just tripped me out more. All this thinking has worn me out, so if I can get my mind to shut down, I'll sleep like a baby.

If all my memories were stolen, I'd be back in a state just like a newborn baby... argh!! Shut up, stoopid brain... go to sleep.

I forgot about the field mouse. A sad memory of mine that oddly enough I had been thinking about this morning, and there's a scene in the movie that is very similar... I had dropped of a resume today and during the 10 block walk to my car, my mind went on a tangent into the status quo of nature and the symbiotic relationship of the creatures on the planet. It went on from there...

What a day.

*Gasp*

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away someone decided to send me a birthday present! And it was awesome! 8-) She's fantastic and I am very grateful.

Aiya vendë vanya, hantale meldomelin.

Foolsaywha!?!

I heard the strangest thing today... I was sitting in the library reading a book and overheard a man speaking to his wife. He happened to be looking in my direction so he had a clear view of the seating area I and several other people were in. He said, "Just like Chapters, isn't it."

Imagine, people sitting around reading books. In a library. Where does he think Chapters got the idea? Good grief, the bloody end is near....

Mon dieu!

Current Terror Alert Level


It made me chuckle and it comes from here.

a verbis ad verbera

Long ago and far away, there lived a beautiful, young princess named Arianna. She very much loved being a princess and smiled happily whenever anyone came to visit. Every day she would walk in the garden to smell the bright, red roses and wade through the deep, green grass. She would try on new dresses of fabulous silk and shoes in the latest of fashions. Princes from other kingdoms traveled great distances to see her and stare into her beautiful eyes. She showed them her palace and danced many an evening away, to the ballads and songs of her courtly musicians. The days and the weeks and the years passed by and Arianna grew old and died peacefully in her sleep. And the folk spoke forever of the happy, beautiful princess that lived in the castle and never did anything in her entire life. The end.

Boopadoop? Oh my...

I read Blondie in today's newspaper and it made me chuckle. It's not often you see such depth in a daily comic. The comic is not online yet, but www.blondie.com will have it eventually. And this Wikipedia site has a neat entry about Blondie here. The strip has been around longer and has a more complex story and than I had imagined. Imagine that...

Grr...

Snow. More snow. Winter is over in a few days, but it's having it's fun before it goes. I guess we didn't get as much as the States did, but any snow now is unwelcome. And because we had three or four days of warm weather, there are puddles of water all over the place. And said puddles are now covered over with a thin layer of ice and a fresh coating of snow. I found two of these puddles on the way to my car this morning. Water all over my beautiful, leather Tommy Hilfiger shoes. Waaah! (gods man, get a life...) Everyone I know seems to be having a crappy few days, so I may as well join the throng and bitch about life and snow and my dirty shoes and crappy jobs and fucking dry spells and pretty, oblivious women and pretty, oblivious men and then more about snow and my re-rusting car and money and sore shoulders and then more about bloody snow. Fuck!

Heehee. Spring will be here shortly, so I may as well get all the crap out now so I can enjoy the new season when it arrives. Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't arrive on the front end of a blizzard... ;-)

I could sing these and mean them

Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien
Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta

untitled

Fire of the night come burn me! Attendant inferno, unseen, unfelt, scorch me to cinders. Darkness quench your glorious flame? Never. Worship you will I forever, kiss me unto death.

And at sunrise I saw it, a new day and a new hope

Courage. Hope.

Two things that aren't always the nicest things to experience. They can bite one in the ass. I am not very courageous, but I always have hope.

Hope for a myriad of things that there isn't enough room here for me to even start writing about. And I know I'll get burned on many of them, but to not hope goes against my nature, and I cannot imagine living without hope.

Courage however I struggle with. I have only two fears in this life otherwise I'm generally unafraid. But courage is more than just standing up to fear. It is to be bold and to stand out in front if needed. That I am not good at.

Today I encountered a very courageous person. Interesting and friendly, one with a fabulous story. But above all, courageous. As it is something I lack, I enjoyed the experience greatly and learned from it. It was good to see.

People fear and let their lives dwindle away because of fear. For them, I have hope.

Insomnia

Unable to sleep...
Green Mile, weepy, but still not sleepy...
Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, highly amused, but still not sleepy...
Called a friend and chatted, laughed and feel sleepier now...
Can't get song out of head, need mental crowbar... sleepy but song getting louder...
Stupid song, get out.
Download song and listen to it so I can get it done with...
Download is taking forever, lookup lyrics, not so sleepy anymore...
Read lyrics... whoa, these are cool... mental tangent... sleep impossible now...
Mental rampage about the meaning in the lyrics...
Download is nearly done, sleep will come shortly after...
Must post lyrics, such nice words, then sleep...

Do You Realize Do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face Do you realize, we're floating in space Do you realize, that happiness makes you cry Do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know You realize that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You realize the sun don' go down It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round Do you realize, Do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know You realize that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You realize the sun don' go down It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round Do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face Do you realize - The Flaming Lips

Oh... the bear?

The Polar Bear that did a guest spot in my dream was none other than the Coca-Cola Christmas Polar Bear. And it *WAS* holding the bottle of Coke in its paw.

It really was a baked dream.

Looky at the beary!

Stop, that tickles!

Last eve was dinner and dancing with my local bi group. Lotsa fun and laughs. Got to meet a few new faces and cavort with some of the old ones (old in a relative sense, otherwise I'm going to be injured bodily at the next meeting). We went to a club I haven't been to in over a year and they have renovated it. Mucho nice-o! The place is fantastic now, as compared to its old 'run down basement' motif. And it was not too busy, so I got to sit and chat all evening and meet a few more people. Unfortunately my bad shoulder has been acting up for two days and my aspirin had worn off, so I left earlier than I wanted to but it was great fun anyway. A 40 minute drive home means that one cannot drown body aches in cocktails... unfortunately. And as I was saying my goodbyes the cute little guy jumped on my lap to give me a big hug. And because I am the embodiment of pure evil, I tickled. Heehee!

We cannot destroy the world, we can only destroy ourselves.

Wishes

In total avoidance of a tedious situation, I was driving to get ice cream today and daydreaming about stuff... and I was hit by a revelation. Wishes may be the most beautiful part of a persons' essence. I think the purity of a wish is almost akin to Innocence found in the newborn child. The concepts of Innocence and Experience (William Blake, et al) are ideas that I follow. I thought about it a lot and it seems to me that a wish may be the closest we can come to pure Innocence, after Experience.

I find stars beautiful. I visualize a wish as something pure and bright, like the light from a star. A real wish, a true wish that comes directly from the heart and soul and mind together is absolutely beautiful, an amplified reflection of the persons' true and pure self.

What a good day to be alive.

Waffles?

I had a really baked dream this morning.

A friend and I were in bed and had just woken up. The bedroom door opened and a large polar bear was standing there and it said, "You guys want some waffles?" and then I woke up...

I was a little disturbed this morning, but after thinking about it all day, it's pretty damned funny.

There's no intelligent life down here...

This made my day!

And if that wasn't enough

Cover letters are the bane of my existence. I silently curse every employer I apply to, as they require me to write yet another cover letter and whittle away at the little bit of sanity I have left. Curses says I, curses.

Oh my ...

I saw The Passion Of The Christ last week. It wasn't the number one choice on my list, but the other movie started before we arrived. I had intended to go see it, but not right away. Well, I was surprised how good it was. Even thought it was subtitled, which is something I despise, the dialogue was spread out so it was easy to follow. From a religious perspective, it followed along the story most people know, with a few extras tossed in for effect. I don't think the extras ruined anything for me, and it certainly spiced up the presentation. From a moviegoer's perspective, it was visually appealing, even though the blood and gore factor was high. And that's all I can say about the film itself. Whatever religion a person is, I think it's worth watching for the movie experience.

I can see why some people were concerned about anti-semitism problems stemming from the movie. My own perspective is that it was the corrupt leaders (politicians in my mind) that conspired to do him in, and the regular people were just as horrified as everyone else in the movie... Jewish, Roman or otherwise. I certainly didn't feel any hate towards the Jewish people or their leaders, I felt sad that a few bad apples in the leadership were pushing for something that many others didn't seem to want. Of course, my own background as a Catholic and Christian distorts my take on the movie, but my insanely odd views of religion (ie. religion is silly) and outlook on existence balances that out more or less. I won't jump on that rollercoaster right now.

A lot of the people in the theatre were crying and sobbing through parts of the movie. I was near tears myself. Even without any belief in Christianity, the simple brutality towards another human by the Roman soldiers was very moving. If the reality of the story was anything like the movie, which based on historical data of the time (non-biblical, just general history or the era) seems to be fairly accurate, then I am dismayed at the living conditions faced by people in that time. Yuck is all I can say, yuck.

Enough yammering. I liked the movie, it was thought provoking. See it and judge for yourself. The end.

Cellar Door

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

- Mad World, performed by Gary Jules, Donnie Darko Soundtrack


The wonderful thing about some dreams, some fantasies is that they aren't meant to happen, not meant to be... that's what makes them special and makes us special. In the omniversal scheme of all things, all happen and all are. Thus I have consolation that in another time, another existance, another me... I am happy.

Above and beyond

I went for a drive today, I needed to clear my mind. I read something strange and dazzling. Fortune favors the bold, but I'm not in a bold state of mind. And thus, I went for a drive. Catharsis magnificus.

Having finished the series I was reading by Tad Williams, I began to read one of my favorite series The Winter of the World. It is tied for first place with the Dragon Prince series by Melanie Rawn in my list of favorite readings. It a story involving supernatural forces battling for and against control of a world, and humanity is caught in the middle. Fantastic read, I'm totally engrossed, again. I have read it at least 10 times, maybe more, I've lost track.

In the books, the dark forces trying to destroy humanity and rule the world are the masters of The Ice. The Ice, like glaciers of our pre-historic world, moves from the north covering the land and pushing back humanity as it covers the land. Which brings me back to my drive today.

The southeastern part of our province was at the end of one glacier formation in some age long ago. Where I drove today, you can see the actual rock carved out along the landscape and boulders all over the small hills dropped by the glaciers as they retreated. The rocks are all over the place, scattered as if some giant had dropped his basket of rocks and forgot to pick them up. The hills themselves, low and almost at sea level, are half scrub and half open bedrock, gouged and scraped long ago and worn by time and weather.

And so, between reading the books and driving through here, I'm brought again to the realization of how small we really are. Ice owned this world long ago and may own it again. One million years is a long time for us, but for our world, it is just around the corner. And we are only one little world among many. Small indeed.

*A few small pictures showing an area close by where I was are found here.

Above

The world looks small and I realize that as I move back from it all, I'm not getting further away, I'm getting closer to myself. Sometimes the world seems huge and humanity a great big dominating force that rules with an iron fist. I don't believe that, but media has a tendency to obscure things. The unreal becomes a possibility in the hands of the media. But above it all, I find clarity. We are small. I am small. The world is just a twinkle in someone else's telescope. Above is where I feel at home. Above reality, in reality. Belief is belief is reality.

An oldie, but a goodie

Jar Jar!