blurred

My outlook of the world is usually that of it being an enormous painting made up of millions of colours, constantly being added to, adjusted, brightened and darkened as days go by... lately it as if someone took their hand and wiped it across the wet canvass, smearing the paint and colours together... the world is blurred...

I read over my last few thoughts and I sound decidedly grim... truly, while I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, things are still good and I should try to sound less whiney. My mood swings have been odd lately, more frequent, but less drastic...

Home is my haven. I have been travelling home to visit the folks a lot. I've gone the past two weekends, and every other weekend for two months before that. I contemplated going home tonight, just for the hell of it. And again next weekend. My mom called and she's coming here for the weekend to visit my uncle. So I'll be staying here this weekend, and I'll go visit my relatives and my mummy. And I can still go home next weekend. Yay! But, the decision remains, should I just move home? They'd be happy to give me a room until I found an apartment in the city... but should I leave here? I feel like I just got here... it's only been nine months... I'm really confused on this point more than anything else. I just don't know what I want to do... worse, there are few options for employment at home, while the job market is much bigger here... I refuse to move anywhere to work for peanuts in a demeaning job of any sort... no matter how dull and dreary my current job may be, it's not demeaning or disgusting. Bah, silly brain tangents.

So the big choice is not such a choice after all. If I was to move home, I would need to find work first. As that's near impossible, I am stuck here. Is that what I want? I'll be damned if I know... The thing that gets it all is that the 4 .5 hour drive that I love means that in either place, the other is still accessible at any time. So, whatever the case, I get the best of both worlds. So now, I have to decide. And because I don't know what I want, I don't know how to decide. And after weighing all my options, I'm as dazed and confused as ever.

Good thing I'm happy, otherwise I'd probably be insane by now.