webs of passion

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
- Sir Walter Scott

I've considered myself bi since I was in my mid teens. I recall my first year in junior high school, grade seven, having little interest in girlfriends or girls in general, except as friends. Of course later that year that all changed. Along with a hormonal rush and the general confusion of the onset of puberty, came the desire for sex and a strong attraction to girls.. and to guys.

Junior high school was a time of confusion for me, just as it is for most people. Along with the regular inner and outer struggles that most north american teens face, I had to examine and define my sexuality. It was confusing and a bit tedious dealing with the whole situation of being physically and emotionally attracted to both guys and girls. Over the course of three or four years, dating girls and guys, experimenting sexually with 'same-sex' partners and 'the-opposite-sex' partners, looking at the life of hetros and homos, listening to my heart and listening to myself, I came to understand my sexual identity.

I grew up in a small, coal-mining town, where 'being openly gay' was not something that really happened. Honestly, to this day, I can not imagine myself walking through that town and letting everyone know I'm queer. I certainly didn't while I was in highschool. When I first realized that I was attracted to guys, it was a bit scary. One big part of my struggle was trying to figure out if I was homosexual? Bisexuality is not something that was discussed in my junior high health classes. Homosexuality was discussed, for however brief a moment, so at least I had somewhere to start. I struggled with the question of homosexuality. I recall the struggle of finding a way to define myself, and it can be summed up with the simple question, just what in all hells am I?

Am I just gay? I'm attracted to guys, I think? I'm attracted to girls, I think? Yeah I'm attracted to both, but what the fuck? No. Maybe I'm gay and just think I like girls, maybe to fit the norm, be 'normal' in this town? I must be gay, maybe? No. I like girls, I like looking at them, being with them, I'm attracted to them. Maybe I'm straight and just think I like guys? Yeah, I don't like guys in that way. No wait, yes I do. What the *#$@??!?

My thought patterns for a while were just that. At one point, for almost a year, I had decided I was gay and was trying to figure out how to deal with it. After all was said and done, I figured out I liked penis and I liked vagina. More to the point, I found that gender wasn't really what I was attracted to. Sure, I liked looking at nudey pics of guys and girls, I appreciated sexy male and female films stars, walking across the screen flaunting their perfectly toned bodies, I loved walking the beaches seeing the guys and girls half naked frolicking in the summer heat... guys and girls were both attractive, alluring, and for lack of a better term, got me hard. But I found myself really attracted to eyes and to the soul, no matter what the gender was. I came to realize my bisexuality and came to understand my sexual identity.

People often ask if I prefer guys or girls. I answer honestly, that I have no preference. I'm happy with a person I am attracted to, regardless what package they come in. I'd be lying to say I don't find myself physically attracted to certain people and that is often a basis for the decision to get to know them or not, in a 'hope-of-a-possible-spark-to-make-a-relationship' sort of way. I think my wild outlook on life and the universe comes into play. Bisexuality fits my views on existence. I believe in balance above all things. A universe encompassing all, tempered by balance. In the same way, my sexuality includes all. The balance of my sexual life being unlimited by gender, but limited by my choices. I find myself really attracted to very few people. Physical attraction is easy, as most people know. I find lots of people physically attractive. To fewer people on an higher level that would include those I would like to be physical with. But beyond that there aren't many that I am attracted to on a level that brings physical, mental, and emotional attraction together. I guess it makes me appreciate those I am attracted to on all these levels just a little bit more.

Damn, that sounds so confusing. More simply, I see lots of people and say "Yum! Now that's a hottie!", I see some that get "Damn! You're downright gorgeous and I'd drop to my knees and bow down before you!" but I find few that get "You! You I will consider giving the rest of my life to, so that we could be together and one." Hopeless romantic? Definitely. Finding someone that fits that last statement? Priceless. Talking in circles? Typical me. *smile*

I hate the term closeted, but it is the generally accepted term in our current society. I do not consider myself closeted, and I never have. Even as a young man I had a strong sense of self, I was independent moreso than other people my age, and I was comfortable making my own decisions. As a teen I never made it public that I was bi. The only people that knew were the guys I dated or fooled around with. Highschool in my hometown was not a place I wanted to 'out' myself, and I had no desire to. I have never defined my life by my sexuality. Being bisexual has always been a part of who I am, but only a part. My decision to never make a 'public outing' had many reasons; where I lived and grew up; how my family would react; how my friends would react; etc, etc... but the main reason was that I am a very private person. I share things with people on an extremely limited basis, so 'outing' myself has never been important to me, has never been something I've worried about or struggled with. I tell people when I want to and if I want to, the rest of the world be damned! I have never considered myself closeted or such, because I am who I am, I have self-confidence and I share what I will, with whoever I please. I have told a few of the younger members of my family, though my parents and brother remain in the dark. The time will come, I'm in no hurry to tell them. In a recent discussion, I was confronted about this, not telling my family; I simply said that I am happy with who I am, they are happy with who I am, and when the time is right I may or may not tell them. If I was to fall head over heels for a guy and we planned on being together, I would have no trouble telling them, I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man. Time will tell, and so will I. I know that it may shock them a bit, but probably not too much, I'm not exactly a macho man! *grin* But I have no fear of not being accepted for who I am. I always have been accepted, and always will be. I know a few relatives will balk at the 'queer boi, but most of our family is accepting of the differences in us all. I lucked out, I got the good ones in life, and I feel sad to think of all those that make known their sexuality to friends and family and get shot down and isolated from those they love... over something as trivial as the gender one is attracted to.

What brought on this discourse? I just had a visit from 'ex girlfriend A'. I never told her I was bi. It bothers me. At the time of our relationship I was telling friends and letting people know I was bi; until that point, they hadn't known, though some guessed. [I had been in a relationship for five years before the one with 'ex girlfriend A', and I hadn't told that girl either. It bothered me then too. I have told her since, she wasn't very shocked. But I have never told ex girlfriend A.]

When I left highschool and went to university, I found a new world of acceptance and freedom. Unfortunately, I started seeing a girl in my first year there and because of silly circumstances, I never told her I was bi. Five years later, I still hadn't. As well, I hadn't told my friends or coworkers or costudents etc... because I felt that since I hadn't told the girl I was dating, I should keep my mouth shut. Honesty is the best policy but I was happy (sortof) with this girl and didn't want to mess things up. So it was years later that I finally found myself out of that relationship and able to let my friends know the real truth about me. Not that they were shocked, actually, I don't think anyone I've ever told has been shocked. Perhaps I'm more of a girly-boi than I think. *grin*

All in all, I reasoned long ago that any relationship I enter will be with the other party knowing full well that I'm bi. If he or she is comfortable with that, great! If not, well, nice to meet ya, cya round! I am who I am, I'm happy being who I am, I want anyone that is going to be with me to know who I am, otherwise, the relationship isn't worth squat to me.

But I have yet to tell ex girlfriend A. But I've resolved to do so. And it feels good. I would have long ago, except she related a story to me not long after we started seeing one another. An ex boyfriend of hers had 'gone gay' after they broke up. It had messed her up a bit and at that time, I didn't want to drop my bisexuality on her.

She had a great visit here and we enjoyed a few days together. So, I wanted to wait until her vacation was over and done, as I don't really know how she will react, and it would be rotten to bother her on her trip. In the next week or so I'll write her and tell her about me. All of me. *smile*

It's time to clear away that tangled cobweb.