hmm

I have never understood why people seem to like me. I'm not all that interesting, I don't do a hell of a lot... in fact, most of the time, I'm quite dull, bordering on boring. I'm a good listener and many people say I'm a nice guy, but is that the only reason? I don't get it really... I have heard from both men and women similar phrases over and over; you're such a nice guy. I'm really not. I'm polite to the point of ridiculousness, but nice isn't really something I do. For most people I'd as soon smash them in the face with a bat as smile and hold the door for them. It puzzles me why people find me nice and have a tendency to like me, but don't seem to ever see anything else about me or find something about me that they love. You can't love "nice", it's absurd to even think about it. That's like trying to hug a cloud. Even in Care-A-Lot they couldn't do that, and they drove around in clouds in that drug induced city of tattoo'd, talking bears. So I sit here after hearing "You're a nice guy" for the fourth time this month and I wonder if that's what I'm doomed to be for the rest of my life; the guy people like because I'm nice. Fuck that, how pitiful would that be. If I have to go out every day and punch people in the back of the head to finally have someone see something else in me, I may just have to do it. I don't want to be the nice, liked guy... I want to be the guy that someone fell in love with because they found something else about me that gave them a reason to love. But I really don't know how to do that. That's the sad recurring thought I've had for nearly a year now, and the men and women I've dated have reinforced it. Blah. I think the biggest problem is that I over analyze people; I sift them like sand and stack all the things I like about them in a pile and dazzle myself with them... until something strikes me as lovable and then I pounce on that. I can't tell if people ever do the same or if they just see a two dimensional man with NICE written across his forehead. As much as I pride myself on being able to read people like books, I'll be damned if I can figure out if anyone ever really gets me or not. This is getting tedious, annoying and it's making me sad.